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Annie Hall (1977)

by Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman.
Draft script. "Oscar".

More info about this movie on imdb.com
(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)

FADE IN:

White credits dissolve in and out on black screen.  No sound.

FADE OUT: credits

FADE IN:

Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue.  He
wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.

		ALVY
	There's an old joke.  Uh, two elderly
	women are at a Catskills mountain
	resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the
	food at this place is really terrible."
	The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and
	such ... small portions." Well, that's
	essentially how I feel about life.  Full
	of loneliness and misery and suffering
	and unhappiness, and it's all over much
	too quickly.  The-the other important
	joke for me is one that's, uh, usually
	attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think
	it appears originally in Freud's wit and
	its relation to the unconscious.  And it
	goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...
	"I would never wanna belong to any club
	that would have someone like me for a
	member." That's the key joke of my adult
	life in terms of my relationships with
	women.  Tsch, you know, lately the
	strangest things have been going
	through my mind, 'cause I turned forty,
	tsch, and I guess I'm going through a
	life crisis or something, I don't know.
	I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.
	I'm not one o' those characters, you know.
	Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's
	about the worst you can say about me.  I,
	uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get
	older, you know?  I think I'm gonna be the-
	the balding virile type, you know, as
	opposed to say the, uh, distinguished
	gray, for instance, you know?  'Less I'm
	neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o'
	those guys with saliva dribbling out of
	his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria
	with a shopping bag screaming about
	socialism.
		(Sighing)
	Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't
	get my mind around that.  You know, I-I
	keep sifting the pieces of the relationship
	through my mind and-and examining my life
	and tryin' to figure out where did the
	screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we
	were... tsch, in love.  You know, and-and-and
	... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a
	morose type.  I'm not a depressive character.
	I-I-I, uh,
		(Laughing)
	you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,
	I guess.  I was brought up in Brooklyn
	during World War II.

						CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY

Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his  mother in an old-fashioned,
cluttered doctor's office.  The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a
cigarette and listening.

		MOTHER
		(To the doctor)
	He's been depressed.  All off a sudden,
	he can't do anything.

		DOCTOR
		(Nodding)
	Why are you depressed, Alvy?

		MOTHER
		(Nudging Alvy)
	Tell Dr. Flicker.
		(Young Alvy sits, his head down.  His
		mother answers for him)
	It's something he read.

		DOCTOR
		(Puffing on his cigarette and
		nodding)
	Something he read, huh?

		ALVY
		(His head still down)
	The universe is expanding.

		DOCTOR
	The universe is expanding?

		ALVY
		(Looking up at the doctor)
	Well, the universe is everything, and if
	it's expanding, someday it will break apart
	and that would be the end of everything!

Disgusted, his mother looks at him.

		MOTHER
		(shouting)
	What is that your business?
		(she turns back to the doctor)
	He stopped doing his homework.

		ALVY
	What's the point?

		MOTHER
		(Excited, gesturing with her hands)
	What has the universe got to do with it?
	You're here in Brooklyn!  Brooklyn is not
	expanding!

		DOCTOR
		(Heartily, looking down at Alvy)
	It won't be expanding for billions of years
	yet, Alvy.  And we've gotta try to enjoy
	ourselves while we're here.  Uh?

He laughs.

						CUT TO:

Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it.
A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window
of the house a band shakes a dust mop.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood
	memories, but I swear I was brought up
	underneath the roller-

						CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while
his father sits on the sofa reading the paper.  The house shakes with every
move of the roller coaster.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	-coaster in the Coney Island section of
	Brooklyn.  Maybe that accounts for my
	personality, which is a little nervous, I
	think.

CUT TO:

Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men
representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman
in a skirted bathing suit.  They all turn and run toward the foreground.  The
girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss.  The sign over the
concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar.  Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller
coaster is moving in full gear in the background.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.
	My mind tends to jump around a little, and
	have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

						CUT TO:

Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other
as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	My father ran the bumper-car concession.
		(Alvy as a child moves into the frame
		driving a bumper car.  He stops as other
		cars bombard him.  His father continues
		to direct the traffic)
	There-there he is and there I am.  But I-I-I-I
	used to get my aggression out through those
	cars all the time.

Alvy backs up his car off screen.

INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY

The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the
blackboard.  The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures.
While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.
- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	I remember the staff at our public
	school.  You know, we had a saying, uh,
	that "Those who can't do, teach, and
	those who can't teach, teach gym." And
	...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't
	do anything, I think, were assigned to
	our school.  I must say-

						CUT TO:

A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom.  The
blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans
her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks.  Alvy
as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;
there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.
	Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little
	face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss
	Perfect all the time.  And-and Ivan
	Ackerman, always the wrong answer.  Always.

Ivan stands up behind his desk.

		IVAN
	Seven and three is nine.

Alvy hits his forehead with his hand.  Another student glances over at him,
reacting.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	Even then I knew they were just jerks.
		(The camera moves back to the teacher,
		who is glaring out at her students)
	In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-

As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.
She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to
his seat.

		1ST GIRL
		(Making noises)
	Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.

		TEACHER
		(Off screen)
	That's the second time this month!  Step
	up here!

As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves
over to her.  Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their
heads to watch what will happen next.

		ALVY
	What'd I do?

		TEACHER
	Step up here!

		ALVY
	What'd I do?

		TEACHER
	You should be ashamed of yourself.

The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult,
sitting in the last seat of the second row.

		ALVY (AS ADULT)
		(First off screen, then onscreen as
		camera moves over to the back of the
		classroom)
	Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual
	curiosity.

		TEACHER
		(The younger, Alvy standing next to her)
	Six-year-old boys don't have girls on
	their minds.

		ALVY (AS ADULT)
		(Still sitting in the back of
		the classroom)
	I did.

The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and
speaks.

		1ST GIRL
	For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks
	of a latency period.

		ALVY (AS ADULT)
		(Gesturing)
	Well, I never had a latency period.  I
	can't help it.

		TEACHER
		(With young, Alvy still at her side)
	Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?
		(The camera pans over to Donald,
		sitting up tall in his seat, then
		back to the teacher)
	Now, there was a model boy!

		ALVY (AS CHILD)
		(Still standing next to the teacher)
	Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

		DONALD
	I run a profitable dress company.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	Right.  Sometimes I wonder where my
	classmates are today.

The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks,
the teacher standing in the front of the room.  One at a time, the young
students rise u from their desks and speak.

		1ST BOY
	I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

		2ND BOY
	I sell tallises.

		3RD BOY
	I used to be a heroin addict.  Now I'm a
	methadone addict.

		2ND GIRL
		I'm into leather.

INT. ROOM

Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show.  He sits next
to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right.  Static is heard
throughout the dialogue.

		ALVY
	I lost track of most of my old schoolmates,
	but I wound up a comedian.  They did not take
	me in the Army.  I was, uh ... Interestingly
	enough, I was-I was four-P.

Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.

		DICK CAVETT
	Four-P?

		ALVY
	Yes.  In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a
	hostage.

More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.

INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP

Alvy's  mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and
talking as she looks off screen.

		MOTHER
	You always only saw the worst in people.
	You never could get along with anyone at
	school.  You were always outta step with the
	world.  Even when you got famous, you still
	distrusted the world.'

EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY

A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people
mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried.  The screen
shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk
beyond.  As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in
the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally,
as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation.  They eventually move
past the camera and off screen.  Traffic noise is heard in the background.

		ALVY
	I distinctly heard it.  He muttered under
	his breath, "Jew."

		ROB
	You're crazy!

		ALVY
	No, I'm not.  We were walking off the
	tennis court, and you know, he was there
	and me and his wife, and he looked at her
	and then they both looked at me, and under
	his breath he said, "Jew."

		ROB
	Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

		ALVY
	Wh- How am I a paran-?  Well, I pick up on
	those kind o' things.  You know, I was
	having lunch with some guys from NBC, so
	I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?"
	and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?"
	Not, did you, didchoo eat?  Jew?  No, not
	did you eat, but Jew eat?  Jew.  You get it?
	Jew eat?

		ROB
	Ah, Max, you, uh ...

		ALVY
	Stop calling me Max.

		ROB
	Why, Max?  It's a good name for you.  Max,
	you see conspiracies in everything.

		ALVY
	No, I don't!  You know, I was in a record
	store.  Listen to this -so I know there's
	this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and
	he's lookin' at me in a funny way and
	smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a
	sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max,
	Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin'
	to tell me very significantly Wagner.

		ROB
	Right, Max.  California, Max.

		ALVY
	Ah.

		ROB
	Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.

		ALVY
	Forget it, Max.

		ROB
	-we move to sunny L.A. All of show business
	is out there, Max.

		ALVY
	No, I cannot.  You keep bringing it up, but
	I don't wanna live in a city where the only
	cultural advantage is that you can make a
	right turn on a red light.

		ROB
		(Checking his watch)
	Right, Max, forget it.  Aren't you gonna be
	late for meeting Annie?

		ALVY
	I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.
	I think I have a few minutes left.  Right?

EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY

Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him
just inside the glass doors.  The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking,
can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather
jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy.  He looks at him,
then moves away.  He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy
again.  Alvy looks away, then back at the man.  The man continues to stare.
Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man.
The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.

		1ST MAN
	Hey, you on television?

		ALVY
		(Nodding his head)
	No. Yeah, once in a while.  You know,
	like occasionally.

		1ST MAN
	What's your name?

		ALVY
		(Clearing his throat)
	You wouldn't know it.  It doesn't matter.
	What's the difference?

		1ST MAN
	You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny
	Carson, right?

		ALVY
	Once in a while, you know.  I mean, you
	know, every now-

		1ST MAN
	What's your name?

Alvy  is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people
move through the doors of the theater.

		ALVY
		(Nervously)
	I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.

		1ST MAN
		(Laughing)
	Come on.

		ALVY
	Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks
	very much ... for everything.

They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm.  The man in turn looks over his
shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and
calls out. Alvy looks impatient.

		1ST MAN
	Hey!

		2ND MAN
		(Off screen)
	What?

		1ST MAN
	This is Alvy Singer!

		ALVY
	Fellas ... you know-Jesus!  Come on!

		1ST MAN
		(Overlapping, ignoring Alvy)
	This guy's on television!  Alvy
	Singer, right?  Am I right?

		ALVY
		(Overlapping 1st man)
	Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.
	Jesus Christ!

		1ST MAN
		(Still ignoring Alvy's protestations)
	This guy's on television.

		ALVY
	I need a large polo mallet!

		2ND MAN
		(Moving into the screen)
	Who's on television?

		1ST MAN
	This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.

		ALVY
		(Annoyed)
	Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the
	teamsters?  You know.. .

		2ND MAN
		(Also ignoring Alvy)
	What program?

		1ST MAN
		(Holding out a matchbook)
	Can I have your autograph?

		ALVY
	You don't want my autograph.

		1ST MAN
		(Overlapping, Alvy's  speech)
	Yeah, I do.  It's for my girl friend.
	Make it out to Ralph.

		ALVY
		(Taking the matchbook and pen and
		writing)
	Your girl friend's name is Ralph?

		1ST MAN
	It's for my brudder.
		(To passersby)
	Alvy Singer!  Hey!  This is Alvy-

		2ND MAN
		(To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech)
	You really Alvy Singer, the ... the
	TV star?

Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the
sidewalk.  The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.

		1ST MAN
	-Singer!

		2ND MAN
	Alvy Singer over here!

A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb.  Alvy moves over to it about
to get in.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping the two men and
		stuttering)
	I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.
		(As Alvy opens the cab door, the
		two men still behind him, Annie
		gets out)
	Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of
	the Panama Canal?

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping Alvy)
	Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?

Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of
the theater as they continue to talk.

		ALVY
	Bad mood?  I'm standing with the cast of
	"The Godfather."

		ANNIE
	You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.

		ALVY
	Deal!  I'm dealing with two guys named
	Cheech!

		ANNIE
	Okay.
		(They move into the ticket line,
		still talking.  A billboard next to
		them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE
		TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN")
	Please, I have a headache, all right?

		ALVY
	Hey, you are in a bad mood.  You-you-
	you must be getting your period.

		ANNIE
	I'm not getting my period.  Jesus, every
	time anything out of the ordinary happens,
	you think that I'm getting my period!

They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets
and walking off screen.

		ALVY
		(Gesturing)
	A li-little louder.  I think one of them
	may have missed it!
		(To the ticket clerk)
	H'm, has the picture started yet?

		TICKET CLERK
	It started two minutes ago.

		ALVY
		(Hitting his hand on the counter)
	That's it!  Forget it!  I-I can't go in.

		ANNIE
	Two minutes, Alvy.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping Annie)
	No, I'm sorry, I can't do it.  We-we've
	blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I
	can't go in in the middle.

		ANNIE
	In the middle?
		(Alvy nods his head yes and let's
		out an exasperated sigh)
	We'll only miss the titles.  They're in
	Swedish.

		ALVY
	You wanna get coffee for two hours or
	something?  We'll go next-

		ANNIE
	Two hours?  No, u-uh, I'm going in.
	I'm going in.

She moves past the ticket clerk.

		ALVY
		(Waving to Annie)
	Go ahead.  Good-bye.

Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.

		ANNIE
	Look, while we're talking we could be
	inside, you know that?

		ALVY
		(Watching people with tickets move
		past them)
	Hey, can we not stand here and argue in
	front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.

		ANNIE
	Alright.  All right, all right, so whatta
	you wanna do?

		ALVY
	I don't know now.  You-you wanna go to
	another movie?
		(Annie nods her head and shrugs
		her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy,
		gesturing with his band, looks at
		her)
	So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.

		ANNIE
	Oh, come on, we've seen it.  I'm not in
	the mood to see a four-hour documentary
	on Nazis.

		ALVY
	Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've
	gotta see a picture exactly from the start
	to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing now)
	H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.

INT. THEATER LOBBY.

A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and
Annie among them.  A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing
scene.

		MAN IN LINE
		(Loudly to his companion right
		behind Alvy and Annie)
	We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
	It is not one of his best.  It lacks a
	cohesive structure.  You know, you get
	the feeling that he's not absolutely sure
	what it is he wants to say.  'Course, I've
	always felt he was essentially a-a technical
	film maker.  Granted, La Strada was a great
	film.  Great in its use of negative energy
	more than anything else.  But that simple
	cohesive core ...

Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie
begins to read her newspaper.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping the man's speech)
	I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.

		ANNIE
		(Reading)
	Well, stop listening to him.

		MAN IN LINE
		(Overlapping Alvy and Annie)
	You know, it must need to have had its
	leading from one thought to another.
	You know what I'm talking about?

		ALVY
		(Sighing)
	He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

		MAN IN LINE
	Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or
	Satyricon, I found it incredibly ...
	indulgent.  You know, he really is.  He's
	one of the most indulgent film makers.  He
	really is-

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	Key word here is "indulgent."

		MAN IN LINE
		(Overlapping)
	-without getting ... well, let's put it
	this way ...

		ALVY
		(To Annie, who is still reading,
		overlapping the man in line who is
		still talking)
	What are you depressed about?

		ANNIE
	I missed my therapy.  I overslept.

		ALVY
	How can you possibly oversleep?

		ANNIE
	The alarm clock.

		ALVY
		(Gasping)
	You know what a hostile gesture that is
	to me?

		ANNIE
	I know-because of our sexual problem,
	right?

		ALVY
	Hey, you ... everybody in line at the
	New Yorker has to know our rate of
	intercourse?

		MAN IN LINE
	- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-
	I admire the technique but he doesn't ...
	he doesn't hit me on a gut level.

		ALVY
		(To Annie)
	I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.

The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.

		ANNIE
	Stop it, Alvy!

		ALVY
		(Wringing his hands)
	Well, he's spitting on my neck!  You know,
	he's spitting on my neck when he talks.

		MAN IN LINE
	And then, the most important thing of all
	is a comedian's vision.

		ANNIE
	And you know something else?  You know,
	you're so egocentric that if I miss my
	therapy you can think of it in terms of
	how it affects you!

		MAN IN LINE
		(Lighting a cigarette while he talks)
	Gal gun-shy is what it is.

		ALVY
		(Reacting again to the man in line)
	Probably on their first date, right?

		MAN IN LINE
		(Still going on)
	It's a narrow view.

		ALVY
	Probably met by answering an ad in the
	New York Review of Books.  "Thirtyish
	academic wishes to meet woman who's
	interested in Mozart, James Joyce and
	sodomy."
		(He sighs; then to Annie)
	Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?

		ANNIE
	Oh!

		ALVY
	I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal
	for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

		ANNIE
	Okay, I'm very sorry.  My sexual problem!
	Okay, my sexual problem!  Huh?

The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.

		ALVY
	I never read that.  That was-that was
	Henry James, right?  Novel, uh, the
	sequel to Turn of the Screw?  My Sexual ...

		MAN IN LINE
		(Even louder now)
	It's the influence of television.  Yeah,
	now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms
	of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity,
	you understand?  A hot medium ... as opposed
	to a ...

		ALVY
		(More and more aggravated)
	What I wouldn't give for a large sock o'
	horse manure.

		MAN IN LINE
	... as opposed to a print ...

Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the
camera.

		ALVY
		(Sighing and addressing the audience)
	What do you do when you get stuck in a movie
	line with a guy like this behind you?  I mean,
	it's just maddening!

The man in line moves toward Alvy.  Both address the audience now.

		MAN IN LINE
	Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?
	It's a free country!

		ALVY
	I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta
	give it so loud?  I mean, aren't you ashamed
	to pontificate like that?  And-and the funny
	part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't
	know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!

		MAN IN LINE
		(Overlapping)
	Wait a minute!  Really?  Really?  I happen to
	teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media
	and Culture"!  So I think that my insights
	into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of
	validity.

		ALVY
	Oh, do yuh?

		MAN IN LINE
	Yes.

		ALVY
	Well, that's funny, because I happen to
	have Mr. McLuhan right here.  So ... so,
	here, just let me-I mean, all right.  Come
	over here ... a second.

Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back
of the crowded lobby.  He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and
pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.

		MAN IN LINE
	Oh.

		ALVY
		(To McLuban)
	Tell him.

		MCLUHAN
		(To the man in line)
	I hear-I heard what you were saying.
	You-you know nothing of my work.  You
	mean my whole fallacy is wrong.  How you
	ever got to teach a course in anything is
	totally amazing.

		ALVY
		(To the camera)
	Boy, if life were only like this!

INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.

Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.

 	      THE SORROW AND THE PITY
		  CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972
	  MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969
  Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation

		NARRATOR'S VOICE
		(Over credits and soldiers)
	June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the
	German army occupies Paris.  All over
	the country, people are desperate for
	every available scrap of news.

						CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

Annie is sitting up in bed reading.

		ALVY
		(Off screen)
	Boy, those guys in the French Resistance
	were really brave, you know?  Got to listen
	to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

		ANNIE
	M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself
	how I'd stand up under torture.

		ALVY
		(Off screen)
	You?  You kiddin'?
		(He moves into the frame, lying across
		the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a
		face)
	If the Gestapo would take away your
	Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em
	everything.

		ANNIE
	That movie makes me feel guilty.

		ALVY
	Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.

He starts kissing Annie's arm.  She gets annoyed and continues to read.

		ANNIE
	Alvy, I ...

		ALVY
	What-what-what-what's the matter?

		ANNIE
	I-you know, I don't wanna.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping Annie, reacting)
	What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!
	We're sleeping in a bed together.  You
	know, it's been a long time.

		ANNIE
	I know, well, it's just that-you know, I
	mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night,
	so I have to rest my voice.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping Annie again)
	It's always some kind of an excuse.  It's-
	You know, you used to think that I was
	very sexy.  What ... When we first started
	going out, we had sex constantly ... We're-
	we're probably listed in the Guinness Book
	of World Records.

		ANNIE
		(Patting Alvy's band solicitously)
	I know.  Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll
	pass, it's just that I'm going through a
	phase, that's all.

		ALVY
	M'm.

		ANNIE
	I mean, you've been married before, you
	know how things can get.  You were very
	hot for Allison at first.

						CUT TO:


INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.

Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various
people.  Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity.
Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her.  The sounds
of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally,
interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience.  Allison
stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.

		ALLISON
		(Looking down at the clipboard)
	Ma'am, you're on right after this man ...
	about twenty minutes, something like that.

		WOMAN
	Oh, thank you.

Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison.  He taps her on the shoulder; she
turns to face him.

		ALVY
		(Coughing)
	Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?

		ALLISON
		(Looking down at the clipboard)
	Who are you?

		ALVY
	Alvy ... Alvy Singer.  I'm a comedian.

		ALLISON
	Oh, comedian.  Yes.  Oh, uh ... you're
	on next.

		ALVY
		(Rubbing his hands together
		nervously)
	What do you mean, next?

		ALLISON
		(Laughing)
	Uh ... I mean you're on right after
	this act.

		ALVY
		(Gesturing)
	No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

		ALLISON
	Yes.

		ALVY
	So what are you telling me, you're
	putting on two comics in a row?

		ALLISON
	Why not?

		ALVY
	No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't
	... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

		ALLISON
	It's okay.

		ALVY
	No, because they're-they're laughing, so
		(He starts laughing nervously)
	I-I-I'd rather not.  If you don't mind,
	I prefer-

		ALLISON
		(Overlapping)
	Will you relax, please?  They're gonna
	love you, I know.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	I prefer not to, because ... look,
	they're laughing at him.  See, so what
	are yuh telling me-

They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.

		ALLISON
		(Overlapping)
	Yes.

		ALVY
(Overlapping)
	-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ...
	They're gonna laugh at him for a couple
	minutes, then I gotta go out there, I
	gotta ... get laughs, too.  How much can
	they laugh?
		(Off screen)
	They-they they're laughed out.

		ALLISON
		(Off screen)
	Do you feel all right?

As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of
view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai
Stevenson.  The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in
clusters around the room.

The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage.  Alvy is swinging
his hands nervously.

		COMEDIAN
		(Off screen, onstage)
	You know ...

Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.

		ALVY
		(Above the chatter around him)
	Look, what's your-what's your name?

		COMEDIAN
		(Off screen)
	... General Eisenhower is not ...

		ALLISON
		(Looking out at the stage)
	Allison.

		ALVY
	Yeah?  Allison what?

		ALLISON
		(Still looking off screen)
	Portchnik.

		COMEDIAN
	... a group from the ...

		ALVY
		(Coughing)
	Thank you. I-I don't know why they would
	have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...
		(He clears his throat)
	Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political
	comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

		ALVY
	I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...
	a woman in the Eisenhower Administration
	... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to
	me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I
	was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what
	Eisenhower has been doing to the country
	for the last eight years.

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.

Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing.  There are books all over the room;
a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits
on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

		ALVY
	H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with
	this, because it-I can't get it off my
	mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

		ALLISON
	Well, I'm getting tired of it.  I need
	your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,
gesturing with his hands.

		ALVY
	It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.
	He drove past the book depository and the
	police said conclusively that it was an
	exit wound.  So-how is it possible for
	Oswald to have fired from two angles at
	once?  It doesn't make sense.

		ALLISON
	Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs.  He then snaps his
fingers and starts walking again.

		ALVY
	I'll tell you this!  He was not marksman
	enough to hit a moving target at that
	range.  But ...
		(Clears his throat)
	if there was a second assassin ... it-
	That's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up
from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

		ALLISON
	We've been through this.

		ALVY
	If they-they recovered the shells from
	that rifle.

		ALLISON
		(Moving back to the bed and
		lighting a cigarette)
	Okay.  All right, so whatta yuh saying,
	now?  That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren
	Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

		ALVY
	Well, why not?

		ALLISON
	Yeah, Earl Warren?

		ALVY
		(Moving toward the bed)
	Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

		ALLISON
	Lyndon Johnson?

		ALVY
		(Propping one knee on the bed
		and gesturing)
	L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a
	politician.  You know the ethics those
	guys have?  It's like-uh, a notch
	underneath child molester.

		ALLISON
	Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

		ALVY
		(Nodding his head)
	Tsch.

		ALLISON
	The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar
	Hoover and oil companies and the
	Pentagon and the men's-room attendant
	at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking
again.

		ALVY
	I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room
	attendant.

		ALLISON
	You're using this conspiracy theory as
	an excuse to avoid sex with me.

		ALVY
	Oh, my God!
		(Then, to the camera)
	She's right!  Why did I turn off Allison
	Portchnik?  She was-she was beautiful.  She
	was willing.  She was real ... intelligent.
		(Sighing)
	Is it the old Groucho Marx joke?  That-that
	I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that
	would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach
house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the
house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters
crawling on the floor.  Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of
groceries sit on the counter.  There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.

		ANNIE
	Alvy, now don't panic.  Please.

		ALVY
	Look, I told you it was a ... mistake
	to ever bring a live thing in the house.

		ANNIE
	Stop it!  Don't ... don't do that!  There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor.  Annie, bolding out a wooden
paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

		ALVY
	Well, maybe we should just call the police.
	Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

		ANNIE
	Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for
	God's sake.

		ALVY
	If they're only babies, then you pick
	'em up.

		ANNIE
	Oh, all right.  All right!  It's all
	right.  Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail.  Laughing,
she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

		ALVY
	Don't give it to me.  Don't!

		ANNIE
		(Hysterically)
	Oooh!  Here!  Here!

		ALVY
		(Pointing)
	Look!  Look, one crawled behind the
	refrigerator.  It'll turn up in our bed
	at night.
		(They move over to the refrigerator;
		Alvy moves as close to the wall as
		possible as Annie, covering her mouth
		and laughing hysterically, teasingly
		dangles a lobster in front of him)
	Will you get outta here with that thing?
	Jesus!

		ANNIE
		(Laughing, to the lobster)
	Get him!

		ALVY
		(Laughing)
	Talk to him.  You speak shellfish!
		(He moves over to the stove and
		takes the lid of a large steamer
		filled with boiling water)
	Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	I can't!  I can't put him in the pot.  I
	can't put a live thing in hot water.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	Gimme!  Gimme!  Let me do it!  What-what's
	he think we're gonna do, take him to the
	movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it
gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)
	Oh, God!  Here yuh go!  Oh, good, now
	he'll think-
		(She screams)
	Aaaah!  Okay.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping Annie)
	Okay, it's in.  It's definitely in the pot!

		ANNIE
	All right.  All right.  All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster.  Smiling,
she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to
push it from the wall.

		ALVY
	Annie, there's a big lobster behind
	the refrigerator.  I can't get it out.
	This thing's heavy.  Maybe if I put a
	little dish of butter sauce here with a
	nutcracker, it will run out the other
	side, you know what I mean?

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	Yeah.  I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna
	get my camera.

		ALVY
	You know, I-I think ... if I could pry
	this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks
	'cause they don't have legs.  They don't
	run around.

Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle.
Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the
chandelier.  Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.
Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.

		ANNIE
	Great!  Great!
		(Screaming)
	Goddammit!
		(Screaming)
	Ooooh!  These are ... p-p-p-pick this
	lobster up.  Hold it, please!

		ALVY
	All right!  All right!  All right!  All
	right!  Whatta yuh mean?  Are yuh gonna
	take pictures now?

		ANNIE
	It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll
	be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!

		ALVY
		(Picking up the lobster Annie
		placed on the counter earlier)
	All right, here!  Oh, God, it's disgusting!

Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and
making a face.

		ANNIE
	Don't be a jerk.  One more, Alvy, please,
	one more picture.
		(Reluctantly Alvy picks up the
		lobster again as Annie takes
		another picture)
	Oh, oh, good, good!

EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.

The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.

		ALVY
	So, so-well, here's what I wanna know.
	W-what ...
		(He clears his throat)
	Am I your first big romance?

		ANNIE
	Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh.  No.

		ALVY
	Well, then, w-who was?

		ANNIE
	Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis,
	from Chippewa Falls High School.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT

Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee.
He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the
frame.  They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.

		ALVY'S VOICE
		(Off screen)
	Dennis-right, uh, uh ... local kid
	probably, would meetcha in front of the
	movie house on Saturday night.

		ANNIE'S VOICE
	Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked
	like then.

		ALVY'S VOICE
		(Off screen, laughing)
	Oh, I can imagine.  P-p-probably the
	wife of an astronaut.

		ANNIE'S VOICE
	Then there was Jerry, the actor.

						CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT

The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band
down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger
Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.

		ALVY'S VOICE
		(Laughing)
	Look at you, you-you,-re such a clown.

		ANNIE'S VOICE
	I look pretty.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but
	that guy with you ...

		JERRY
	Acting is like an exploration of the soul.
	I-it's very religious.  Uh, like, uh, a
	kind of liberating consciousness.  It's
	like a visual poem.

		ALVY
		(Laughing)
	Is he kidding with that crap?

		YOUNGER ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, right.  Right, yeah, I think I
	know exactly what you mean, when you
	say "religious."

		ALVY
		(Incredulous, to Annie)
	You do?

		ANNIE
		(Still watching)
	Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.

		ALVY
	Hey, that was last year.

		JERRY
	It's like when I think of dying.  You
	know how I would like to die?

		YOUNGER ANNIE
	No, how?

		JERRY
	I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	Heavy!  Eaten by some squirrels.

		ANNIE'S VOICE
	Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor,
	and look at him, he's neat-looking and he
	was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you
	like emotion too much.

Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as
she raises her foot toward his chest.

		JERRY
	Touch my heart ... with your foot.

		ALVY'S VOICE
	I-I may throw up!

						CUT BACK TO:

EXTERIOR.  BEACH-DUSK

It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light.  The camera moves over
the scene.  The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the
camera always one step ahead of them.

		ANNIE
	He was creepy.

		ALVY
	Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I
	came along.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, really?  Well, la-de-da!

		ALVY
	La-de-da.  If I-if anyone had ever told
	me that I would be taking out a girl who
	used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .

		ANNIE
	Oh, that's right.  That you really like
	those New York girls.

		ALVY
	Well, no ... not just, not only.

		ANNIE
	Oh, I'd say so.  You married-

						CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT

A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and
Robin make their way through the people.  A waiter, carrying a tray, walks
past them.  Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks
it of the tray first.  There is much low-key chatter in the background.

		ANNIE
		(Off screen)
	-two of them.

		ROBIN
	There's Henry Drucker.  He has a chair
	in history at Princeton.  Oh, the short
	man is Hershel Kaminsky.  He has a chair
	in philosophy at Cornell.

		ALVY
	Yeah, two more chairs and they got a
	dining-room set.

		ROBIN
	Why are you so hostile?

		ALVY
		(Sighing)
	'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on
	television.

		ROBIN
		(Squinting)
	Is that Paul Goodman?  No. And be nice
	to the host because he's publishing my
	book.  Hi, Doug!  Douglas Wyatt.
	"A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart."

They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped
in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.

		ALVY
		(Taking Robin's hand)
	I'm so tired of spending evenings making
	fake insights with people who work for
	Dysentery.

		ROBIN
	Commentary.

		ALVY
	Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and
	Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

		ROBIN
	No jokes-these are friends, okay?

INT. BEDROOM

Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.

		TV ANNOUNCER
		(Off screen)
	Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New
	York Knicks.

Robin enters the room, slamming the door.

		ROBIN
	Here you are.  There's people out there.

		ALVY
	Hey, you wouldn't believe this.  Two
	minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen
	points, and now ...
		(Clears his throat)
	they're ahead two points.

		ROBIN
	Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group
	of pituitary cases trying to stuff the
	ball through a hoop?

		ALVY
		(Looking at Robin)
	What's fascinating is that it's physical.
	You know, it's one thing about intellectuals,
	they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant
	and have no idea what's going on.  But on the
	other hand ...
		(Clears his throat)
	the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.

Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed.  He kisses her and moves
farther up on the bed.

		ROBIN
	Stop acting out.

She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out Alvy.

		ALVY
	No, it'll be great!  It'll be great,
	be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in
	there, you know, like ... discussing
	models of alienation and we'll be in
	here quietly humping.

He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.

		ROBIN
	Alvy, don't!  You're using sex to
	express hostility.

		ALVY
	"'Why-why do you always r-reduce my
	animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?'
		(Clears his throat)
	he said as he removed her brassiere..."

		ROBIN
		(Pulling away again)
	There are people out there from The New
	Yorker magazine.  My God!  What would they
	think?

She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress.  She turns and moves toward the
door.

INT. APARTMENT-NIGHT

Robin and Alvy are in bed.  The room is in darkness.  Outside, a siren starts
blaring.

		ROBIN
	Oh, I'm sorry!

		ALVY
	Don't get upset!

		ROBIN
	Dammit!  I was so close.

She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side.  Alvy turns to her.

		ALVY
		(Gesturing)
	Jesus, last night it was some guy honking
	his car horn.  I mean, the city can't
	close down.  You know, what-whatta yuh
	gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the
	airport, too?  No more flights so we can
	have sex?

		ROBIN
		(Reaching over for her eyeglasses
		on the night table)
	I'm too tense.  I need a Valium.  My
	analyst says I should live in the country
	and not in New York.

		ALVY
	Well, I can't li- We can't have this
	discussion all the time.  The country
	makes me nervous.  There's ... You got
	crickets and it-it's quiet ... there's
	no place to walk after dinner, and... uh,
	there's the screens with the dead moths
	behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the
	Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and
	Terry-

		ROBIN
		(Interrupting)
	Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm
	too tense.  Where's the goddamn Valium?

She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the bed.

		ALVY
	Hey, come on, it's quiet now.  We can-we
	can start again.

		ROBIN
	I can't.

		ALVY
	What-

		ROBIN
	My head is throbbing.

		ALVY
	Oh, you got a headache!

		ROBIN
	I have a headache.

		ALVY
	Bad?

		ROBIN
	Oswald and ghosts.

		ALVY
	Jesus!

He begins to get out of bed.

		ROBIN
	Where are you going?

		ALVY
	Well, I'm-I'm gonna take another in a
	series of cold showers.

EXT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OF THE TENNIS CLUB.

Rob and Alvy, carrying tennis rackets, come through the door of the locker
room to the lobby.  They are dressed in tennis whites.  They walk toward the
indoor court.

		ROB
		Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to
	the showers-

		ALVY
	Right, right, so g-get back to what we
	were discussing, the failure of the
	country to get behind New York City is-is
	anti-Semitism.

		ROB
	Max, the city is terribly worried.

		ALVY
	But the- I'm not discussing politics or
	economics.  This is foreskin.

		ROB
	No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient
	out.  Every time some group disagrees with
	you it's because of anti-Semitism.

		ALVY
	Don't you see?  The rest of the country looks
	upon New York like we're-we're left-wing
	Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers.
	I think of us that way, sometimes, and I-I
	live here.

		ROB
	Max, if we lived in California, we could
	play outdoors every day, in the sun.

		ALVY
	Sun is bad for yuh.  Everything our parents
	said was good is bad.  Sun, milk, red meat,
	college ...

INT. TENNIS COURT

Annie and Janet, in tennis whites, stand on the court holding tennis rackets
and balls.  They are chattering and giggling.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	I know, but ooh- here he comes.  Okay.

Rob and Alvy enter the court and walk over to the two women.  Rob kisses Janet
and makes introduction.

		ROB
	You know Alvy?

		JANET
	Oh, hi, Alvy.

		ANNIE
		(To Rob)
	How are yuh?

		ROB
		(To Alvy)
	You know Annie?

		JANET
	I'm sorry.  This is Annie Hall.

		ALVY
	Hi.

		ANNIE
	Hi.

Annie and Alvy shake hands.

		JANET
		(Laughing)
	Alvy.

		ROB
		(Eager to begin)
	Who's playing who here?  Alvy Well, uh ...
	you and me against them?

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping Alvy)
	Well ... so ... I can't play too good,
	you know.

		JANET
		(Laughing)
	I've had four lessons!

The group, laughing and chatting, divide up-Rob and Annie moving to the other
side of the net, Alvy and Janet standing where they are.  They start to play
mixed doubles, each taking turns and playing well. At one point in the game,
Annie starts to talk to Rob, then turns and sees a ball heading toward her.

		ALVY
		(Hitting the halt back)
	Holy gods!

INT. LOBBY

Alvy, dressed, puts things into a gym bag.  One knee is on the bench and his
back is turned from the entrance. Annie walks toward the entrance door dressed
in street clothes and carrying her tennis bag over her shoulder.  Seeing Alvy,
she stops and turns.

		ANNIE
	Hi.  Hi, hi.

		ALVY
		(Looking over his shoulder)
	Hi.  Oh, hi.  Hi.

		ANNIE
		(Hands clasped in front of her,
		smiling)
	Well, bye. She laughs and backs up slowly
	toward the door.

		ALVY
		(Clearing his throat)
	You-you play ... very well.

		ANNIE
	Oh, yeah?  So do you.  Oh, God, whatta-
		(Making sounds and laughing)
	whatta dumb thing to say, right?  I mean,
	you say it, "You play well," and right
	away ... I have to say well.  Oh, oh ...
	God, Annie.
		(She gestures with her hand)
	Well ... oh, well ... la-de-da, la-de-da,
	la-la.

She turns around and moves toward the door.

		ALVY
		(Still looking over his shoulder)
	Uh ... you-you wanna lift?

		ANNIE
		(Turning and aiming her thumb over
		her shoulder)
	Oh, why-uh ... y-y-you gotta car?

		ALVY
	No, um ... I was gonna take a cab.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, no, I have a car.

		ALVY
	You have a car?
		(Annie smiles, hands folded in
		front of her)
	So ...
		(Clears his throat)
	I don't understand why ... if you have a
	car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do
	you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?

		ANNIE
	I don't ...
		(Laughing)
	I don't ... Geez, I don't know, I've ...
	I wa- This ... yeah, I got this VW out
	there ...
		(Laughing and gesturing toward
		the door)
	What a jerk, yeah.  Would you like a lift?

		ALVY
		(Zipping up his bag)
	Sure.  W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?

		ANNIE
	Me?  Oh, downtown!

		ALVY
	Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.

		ALVY
	Uh, well, you just said you were going
	downtown.

		ANNIE
	Yeah, well, I'm, but I ...

Alvy picks up his bag and moves toward the door. As he turns his bag around,
the handle of the tennis racket bits Annie between the legs.

		ALVY
		(Laughing)
	So sorry.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	I mean, I can go uptown, too.  I live
	uptown, but ... uh, what the hell, I mean,
	it'd be nice having company, you know
	I mean, I hate driving alone.

		ALVY
		(Making sounds)
	Yeah.

They walk out the door.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET- DAY

Alvy and Annie in the VW as Annie speeds down a city street near the East River.

		ALVY
	So, how long do you know Janet?  Where
	do you know her from?

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, I'm in her acting class.

		ALVY
	Oh - you're an actress.

		ANNIE
	Well, I do commercials, sort of ...

She zooms down the wrong lane, cars swerving out of her way.  A horn blows.

		ALVY
	I, uh ... well, you're not from New
	York, right?

		ANNIE
	No, Chippewa Falls.

		ALVY
	Right!
		(A pause)
	Where?

		ANNIE
	Wisconsin.

		ALVY
		(Finally reacting)
	Uh, you're driving a-

		ANNIE
	Uh, don't worry, I'm a very-
		(A car moves closer to the VW,
		almost on top of it in the wrong
		direction.  Annie swerves away at
		the very last minute)
	-a very good driver.
		(Alvy rubs his head nervously,
		staring out the window as Annie
		speeds along)
	So, listen-hey, you want some gum, anyway?

Annie looks down beside her, searching for the gum.

		ALVY
	No, no thanks.  Hey, don't-

		ANNIE
	Well, where is it?  I-

		ALVY
	No, no, no, no, you just ... just watch
	the road.  I'll get it-

		ANNIE
	Okay.

They both fumble around in her pocketbook.  Alvy looks up to see the entire
front of a truck in Annie's windshield.  She swerves just in time.

		ALVY
	-for yuh.

		ANNIE
	Okay, that's good.

Alvy continues to look for the gum while Annie zooms down the city streets.

		ANNIE
	All right.

		ALVY
	I'll getcha a piece.

		ANNIE
	Yeah ... so, listen-you drive?

		ALVY
	Do I drive?  Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta
	problem with driving.

		ANNIE
	Oh, you do?

		ALVY
	Yeah.  I got, uh, I got a license but I
	have too much hostility.

		ANNIE
	Oh, right.

		ALVY
	Nice car.

		ANNIE
		(A bit rapidly)
	Huh?

		ALVY
	You keep it nice.
		(He pulls a half-eaten sandwich
		out of her bag)
	Can I ask you, is this-is this a sandwich?

		ANNIE
	Huh?  Oh, yeah.

EXT. STREET-DAY

Cars are parked on both sides of the street as the VW rounds the corner.

		ANNIE
	I live over here.  Oh, my God!  Look!
	There's a parking space!

With brakes squealing, Annie turns the VW sharply into the parking spot.
Annie and Alvy get out, Alvy looking over his shoulder as he leaves the car.

		ALVY
	That's okay, you ... we-we can walk to
	the curb from here.

		ANNIE
	Don't be funny.

		ALVY
	You want your tennis stuff?

		ANNIE
	Huh?  Oh ... yeah.

		ALVY
	You want your gear?  Here you go.

Alvy reaches into the back of the car and takes out tennis equipment.  He
hands her her things.  People pass by on the street.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Yeah, thanks.  Thanks a lot.  Well...

		ALVY
		(Sighing)
	Well, thanks, thank you.  You-you're
	a wonderful tennis player.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh.

Alvy shakes hands with Annie.

		ALVY
	You're the worst driver I've ever seen
	in my life . . . that's including any place
	... the worst ... Europe, United ... any
	place ... Asia.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Yeah.

		ALVY
	And I love what you're wearin'.

Alvy touches the tie Annie is wearing around her neck.

		ANNIE
	Oh, you do?  Yeah?  Oh, well, it's uh
	... this is, uh ... this tie is a present,
	from Grammy Hall.

Annie flips the bottom of the tie.

		ALVY
	Who?  Grammy?  Grammy Hall?

		ANNIE
		(Laughing and nodding her head)
	Yeah, my grammy.

		ALVY
	You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you
	do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Yeah, I know.

		ALVY
	Your grammy!

		ANNIE
	I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?

		ALVY
	Jesus, my-my grammy ... n-never gave
	gifts, you know.  She-she was	too busy
	getting raped by Cossacks.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Well ...

		ALVY
	Well ... thank you again.

		ANNIE
	Oh, yeah, yeah.

		ALVY
	I'll see yuh.

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping, gesturing)
	Hey, well, listen ... hey, you wanna
	come upstairs and, uh ... and have a
	glass of wine and something?  Aw, no,
	I mean ... I mean, you don't have to,
	you're probably late and everything else ...

		ALVY
	No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure.

		ANNIE
	You sure?

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	No, I got time.

		ANNIE
	Okay.

		ALVY
	Sure, I got ... I got nothing, uh,
	nothing till my analyst's appointment.

They move toward Annie's apartment building.

		ANNIE
	Oh, you see an analyst?

		ALVY
	Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.

		ANNIE
	Fifteen years?

		ALVY
	Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more
	year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.

		ANNIE
	Fifteen-aw, come on, you're . . . yeah,
	really?

INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT

Alvy, standing, looks around the apartment.  There are lots of books, framed
photographs on the white wall.  A terrace can be seen from the window.  He
picks up a copy of Ariet, by Sylvia Platb, as Annie comes out of the kitchen
carrying two glasses.  She hands them to Alvy.

		ALVY
	Sylvia Plath.

		ANNIE
	M'hm...

		ALVY
	Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide
	was misinterpreted as romantic, by the
	college-girl mentality.

		ANNIE
	Oh, yeah.

		ALVY
	Oh, sorry.

		ANNIE
	Right.  Well, I don't know, I mean, uh,
	some of her poems seem - neat, you know.

		ALVY
	Neat?

		ANNIE
	Neat, yeah.

		ALVY
	Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen
	seventy-five, you know that "neat" went
	out, I would say, at the turn of the
	century.
		(Annie laughs)
	Who-who are-who are those photos on
	the wall?

		ANNIE
		(Moving over to the photographs)
	Oh ... oh, well, you see now now, uh,
	that's my dad, that's Father-and that's
	my ... brother, Duane.

		ALVY
	Duane?

		ANNIE
		(Pointing)
	Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is
	Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.

		ALVY
	Well, who's Sadie?

		ANNIE
	Sadie?  Oh, well, Sadie...
		(Laughing)
	Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through
	Grammy's brother George.  Uh, George was
	real sweet, you know, he had that thing.
	What is that thing where you, uh, where
	you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a
	sentence, you know-what is it?  Uh ...

		ALVY
	Uh, narcolepsy.

		ANNIE
	Narcolepsy, right, right.  Right.  So,
	anyway, so ...
		(Laughing)
	George, uh, went to the union, see, to
	get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the
	union always gave George this big turkey
	at Christmas time because he was ...
		(Annie points her fingers to each
		side of her head, indicating George
		was a little crazy)
	shell-shocked, you know what I mean, in the
	First World War.
		(Laughing hysterically, she opens
		a cabinet door and takes out a
		bottle of wine)
	Anyway, so, so ...
		(Laughing through the speech)
	George is standing in line, oh, just a sec
	...uh, getting his free turkey, but the
	thing is, he falls asleep and he never
	wakes up. So, so...
		(Laughing)
	so, he's dead ...
		(Laughing)
	he's dead.  Yeah.  Oh, dear.  Well,
	terrible, huh, wouldn't you say?  I
	mean, that's pretty unfortunate.

Annie unscrews the bottle of wine, silent now after her speech.

		ALVY
	Yeah, it's a great story, though, I
	mean, I... I ... it really made my day.
	Hey, I think I should get outta here,
	you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing,
	you know ...

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, really?  Oh, well ... uh, uh, maybe,
	uh, maybe, we, uh ...

		ALVY
	... and ... uh, yeah, uh ... uh, you
	know, I-I-I...

They move outside to the terrace, Alvy still holding the glasses, Annie the
wine.  They stand in front of the railing, Annie pouring the wine into the
held-out glasses.

		ANNIE
	Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.

		ALVY
	No, I know, but ... but, you know, I'm
	all perspired and everything.

		ANNIE
	Well, didn't you take, uh ... uh, a
	shower at the club?

		ALVY
	Me?  No, no, no, 'cause I never shower
	in a public place.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Why not?

		ALVY
	'Cause I don't like to get naked in front
	of another man, you know-it's, uh ...

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, I see, I see.

		ALVY
	You know, I don't like to show my body
	to a man of my gender-

		ANNIE
	Yeah.  Oh, yeah.  Yeah, I see.  I guess-

		ALVY
	-'cause, uh, you never know what's
	gonna happen.

		ANNIE
		(Sipping her wine and laughing)
	Fifteen years, huh?

		ALVY
	Fifteen years, yeah.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.  Oh, God bless!

They	put their glasses together in a toast.

		ALVY
	God bless.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Well, uh ...
		(Pausing)
	You're what Grammy Hall would call a
	real Jew.

		ALVY
		(Clearing his throat)
	Oh, thank you.

		ANNIE
		(Smiling)
	Yeah, well ... you-She hates Jews.  She
	thinks that they just make money, but let
	me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah,
	is she ever.  I'm tellin' yuh.

		ALVY
		(pointing toward the apartment
		after a short pause)
	So, did you do shoot the photographs
	in there or what?

		ANNIE
		(Nodding, her hand on her hip)
	Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around, you know.

Annie's thoughts pop on the screen as she talks: I dabble?  Listen to me-what
a jerk!

		ALVY
	They're ... they're... they're wonderful,
	you know.  They have ... they have, uh
	... a ... a quality.

As do Alvy's: You are a great-looking girl

		ANNIE
	Well, I-I-I would-I would like to take
	a serious photography course soon.

Again, Annie's thoughts pop on: He probably thinks I'm a yo-yo

		ALVY
	Photography's interesting, 'cause, you
	know, it's-it's a new art form, and a,
	uh, a set of aesthetic criteria have
	not emerged yet.

And Alvy's: I wonder what she looks like naked?

		ANNIE
	Aesthetic criteria?  You mean, whether
	it's, uh, good photo or not?

I'm not smart enough for him.  Hang in there

		ALVY
	The-the medium enters in as a condition
	of the art form itself.  That's-

I don't know what I'm saying-she senses I'm shallow

		ANNIE
	Well, well, I ... to me-I ... I mean,
	it's-it's-it's all instinctive, you
	know.  I mean, I just try to uh, feel
	it, you know?  I try to get a sense of
	it and not think about it so much.

God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a shmuck like the others

		ALVY
	Still, still we- You need a set of
	aesthetic guide lines to put it in
	social perspective, I think.

Christ, I sound like FM radio.  Relax

They're quiet for a moment, holding wine glasses and sipping.  The sounds of
distant traffic from the street can be heard on the terrace.  Annie, laughing,
speaks first.

		ANNIE
	Well, I don't know.  I mean, I guess-I
	guess you must be sorta late, huh?

		ALVY
	You know, I gotta get there and begin
	whining soon ... otherwise I- Hey ...
	well, are you busy Friday night?

		ANNIE
	Me?  Oh, uh.
		(Laughing)
	No.

		ALVY
		(Putting his band on his forehead)
	Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have
	something.  Well, what about Saturday
	night?

		ANNIE
		(Nodding)
	Oh ... nothing.  Not-no, no!

		ALVY
	Oh, you ... you're very popular, I can see.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	I know.

		ALVY
	Gee, boy, what do you have?  You have
	plague?

		ANNIE
	Well, I mean, I meet a lot of ... jerks,
	you know-

		ALVY
	Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	-what I mean?

		ALVY
	I think that's, uh-

		ANNIE
		(Interrupting)
	But I'm thinking about getting some
	cats, you know, and then they ... Oh,
	wait a second-oh, no, no, I mean
		(Laughing)
	oh, shoot!  No, Saturday night I'm
	gonna-
		(Laughing)
	gonna sing.  Yeah.

		ALVY
	You're gonna sing?  Do you sing?  Well,
	no, it isn't
		(Overlapping)
	No kidding?
		(Overlapping)
	-this is my first time.  Oh, really?  Where?
	I'd like to come.
		(Laughing)
	Oh, no, no, no, no, no!  No, I'm interested!

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, no-I mean, I'm just a-auditioning
	sort of at club.  I don't-

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	No, so help me.

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	-it's my first time.

		ALVY
	That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what
	that's like.  Listen-

		ANNIE
		(Interrupting)
	Yeah.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	-you're gonna like night clubs, they're
	really a lotta fun.

INT. NIGHT CLUB-NIGHT

Annie stands on center stage with a microphone, a pianist behind her.  A
Bright light is focused on her; the rest of the club is in darkness.  There
are the typical sounds and movements of a nightclub audience: low conversation,
curling smoke, breaking glass, microphone bum, moving chairs, waiters
clattering trays, a ringing phone as Annie sings "It Had to Be You.

EXT. CITY STREET-NIGHT.

Alvy and Annie walk quickly down the sidewalk.

		ANNIE
	I was awful.  I'm so ashamed!  I can't
	sing.

		ALVY
	Oh, listen, so the audience was a tad
	restless.

		ANNIE
	Whatta you mean, a tad restless?  Oh,
	my God, I mean, they hated me.

		ALVY
	No, they didn't.  You have a wonderful
	voice.

		ANNIE
	No, I'm gonna quit!

		ALVY
	No, I'm not gonna letcha.  You have a
	great voice.

		ANNIE
	Really, do you think so, really?

		ALVY
	Yeah!

		ANNIE
	Yeah?

		ALVY
	It's terrific.

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	Yeah, you know something?  I never even
	took a lesson, either.

They stop in the middle of the sidewalk.  Alvy turns Annie around to face him.

		ALVY
	Hey, listen, listen.

		ANNIE
		What?

		ALVY
	Gimme a kiss.

		ANNIE
		Really?

		ALVY
	Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna
	go home later, right?

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		ALVY
	And-and uh, there's gonna be all that
	tension.  You know, we never kissed before
	and I'll never know when to make the right
	move or anything.  So we'll kiss now we'll
	get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?

		ANNIE
 		Oh, all right.

		ALVY
	And we'll digest our food better.

		ANNIE
		Okay.

		ALVY
	Okay?

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

They kiss.

		ALVY
	So now we can digest our food.

They turn and start walking again.

		ANNIE
	We can digest our-

		ALVY
	Okay. Yeah.

INT. DELI-NIGHT

Annie and Alvy sit down in a booth.  The deli is fairly well lit and crowded.
Conversation, plates clattering, can be heard over the dialogue.  The waiter
comes over to them to take their order.

		ALVY
		(To the waiter)
	I'm gonna have a corned beef.

		ANNIE
		(To the waiter)
	Yeah ... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a
	pastrami on white bread with, uh,
	mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce.
		(Alvy involuntarily makes a face
		as the waiter leaves)
	Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you
	and, uh, were you depressed about that?

		ALVY
	Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't
	cure.

		ANNIE
	Oh.  And your first wife was Allison?

		ALVY
	My first... Yes, she was nice, but you
	know, uh, it was my fault.  I was just...
	I was too crazy.

		ANNIE
	Oh.

INT. DARKENED BEDROOM-NIGHT

Alvy and Annie in bed together.

		ANNIE
	M'm, that was so nice.  That was nice.

		ALVY
	As Balzac said ...

		ANNIE
		H'm?

		ALVY
 		"There goes another novel."
		(They laugh)
	Jesus, you were great.

		ANNIE
		Oh, yeah?

		ALVY
		Yeah.

		ANNIE
		Yeah?

		ALVY
		Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm a wreck.

		ANNIE
	No.
		(She turns and looks at Alvy,
		then laughs)
	You're a wreck.

		ALVY
		Really.  I mean it.  I-I'll never play
	the piano again.

		ANNIE
			(Lighting a joint and laughing)
	You're really nuts.  I don't know, you
	really thought it was good?  Tell me.

		ALVY
	Good?  I was-

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	No.

		ALVY
	No, that was the most fun I've ever
	had without laughing.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Here, you want some?

		ALVY
	No, no, I-I-i, uh, I don't use any
	major hallucinogenics because I took
	a puff like five years ago at a party and

		ANNIE
		Yeah?

		ALVY
		-tried to take my pants off over my
	head ...
		(Annie laughs)
	...  my ear.

		ANNIE
	Oh, I don't know, I don't really.  I
	don't do it very often, you know, just
	sort of, er ... relaxes me at first.

		ALVY
	M'hm.
		(He pushes himself up from the
		bed and looks down at Annie)
	You're not gonna believe this, but-

		ANNIE
		What?  What?

						CUT TO:


INT. BOOKSTORE-DAY

Annie and Alvy browsing in crowded bookstore.  Alvy, carrying two books,
"Death and Western Thought" and "The Denial of Death", moves over to where
Annie is looking.

		ALVY
	Hey?

		ANNIE
		H'm?

		ALVY
		I-I-I'm gonna buy you these books, I
	think, because I-I think you should
	read them.  You know, instead of that
	cat book.

		ANNIE
			(Looking at the books Alvy
		is bolding)
	That's, uh ...
		(Laughing)
	that's pretty serious stuff there.

		ALVY
		Yeah, 'cause I-I'm, you know, I'm,
	I'm obsessed with-with, uh, with death,
	I think.  Big-

		ANNIE
			(Overlapping)
	Yeah?

		ALVY
		-big subject with me, yeah.

		ANNIE
	Yeah?

They move over to the cashier line.

		ALVY
		(Gesturing)
	I've a very pessimistic view of life.
	You should know this about me if we're
	gonna go out, you know. I-I-I feel that
	life is-is divided up into the horrible
	and the miserable.

		ANNIE
		M'hm.

		ALVY
	Those are the two categories ...

		ANNIE
	M'hm.

		ALVY
	... you know, they're- The-the horrible
	would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal
	cases, you know?

		ANNIE
		M'hm.

		ALVY
	And blind people, crippled ...

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		ALVY
			I don't-don't know how they get through
	life.  It's amazing to me.

		ANNIE
		M'hm.

		ALVY
		You know, and the miserable is everyone
	else.  That's-that's all.  So-so when
	you go through life you should be thankful
	that you're miserable, because that's-
	You're very lucky ... to be ...
		(Overlapping Annie's laughter)
	... to be miserable.

		ANNIE
		U-huh.

EXT. PARK-DAY

It's a beautiful sunny day in Central Park.  People are sitting on benches,
others strolling, some walking dogs.  One woman stands feeding cooing pigeons.
Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard off screen as they observe the scene before
them.  An older man and woman walk into view.

		ALVY
	Look, look at that guy.

		ANNIE
		M'hm.

		ALVY
	There's-there's-there's-there's Mr.
	When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach, there,
	you know?
		(Over Annie's laughter)
	He's the latest! just came back from
	the gin-rummy farm last night. He
	placed third.

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	M'hm.  Yeah.  Yeah.

The camera shows them sitting side by side relaxed on a bench.

		ALVY
		(Watching two men approach, one
		lighting a cigar)
	Look at these guys.

		ANNIE
		Yeah.

		ALVY
	Oh, that's hilarious.  They're back
	from Fire Island.  They're ... they're
	sort of giving it a chance-you know what
	I mean?

		ANNIE
		Oh! Italian, right?

		ALVY
 		Yeah, he's the Mafia.  Linen Supply Business
	or Cement and Contract, you know what I mean?

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	Oh, yeah.

		ALVY
	No, I'm serious.
		(Over Annie's laughter)
	I just got my mustache wet.

		ANNIE
	Oh, yeah?

		ALVY
		(As another man walks by)
	And there's the winner of the Truman
	Capote look-alike contest.

EXT. STREET-NIGHT

Alvy and Annie walk almost in silhouette along the dock, the New York City
skyline in the background.  Alvy has his arm around Annie and they walk slowly.
No one else is around.

		ANNIE
	You see, like you and I ...

		ALVY
	You are extremely sexy.

		ANNIE
	No, I'm not.

		ALVY
	Unbelievably sexy.  Yes, you are.
	Because ... you know what you are?
	You're-you're polymorphously perverse.

		ANNIE
	Well, what does-what does that mean?
	I don't know what that is.

		ALVY
	Uh ... uh, you're-you're exceptional
	in bed because you got -you get pleasure
	in every part of your body when I touch you.

		ANNIE
	Ooooh!

They stop walking.  Holding Annie's arms, Alvy turns her to face him.  The
South Street Bridge, lit up for the night, is in the background.

		ALVY
	You know what I mean?  Like the tip
	o'your nose, and if I stroke your teeth
	or your kneecaps ... you get excited.

		ANNIE
	Come on.
		(Laughing)
	Yeah.  You know what?  You know, I
	like you, I really mean it.  I really do
	like you.

		ALVY
	You- Do you love me?

		ANNIE
	Do I love you?

		ALVY
	That's the key question.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		ALVY
	I know you've only known me a short
	while.

		ANNIE
	Well, I certainly ... I think that's
	very- Yeah, yeah ...
		(Laughing)
	yeah.  Do you love me?

		ALVY
		I-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word
	for what...

		ANNIE
		Yeah.

		ALVY
	- I ... I love you.
		(Over Annie's laughter)
	You know I lo-ove you, I-I love you.
		(Over Annie's laughter)
	I-I have to invent- Of course I love you.

		ANNIE
		Yeah.

		ALVY
		(Putting his arms around her neck)
	Don't you think I do?

		ANNIE
		I dunno.

They kiss as a foghorn sounds in the distance.

INT. ALVY'S APARTMENT

Alvy, somewhat distraught, is following Annie around his apartment, which is
filled with boxes and suitcases, clothes and framed pictures.  They both carry
cartons.

		ALVY
		Whatta you mean?  You're not gonna give
	up your own apartment, are you?

		ANNIE
		(Putting down the carton)
	Of course.

		ALVY
	Yeah, bu-bu-but why?

		ANNIE
	Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you,
	that's why.

		ALVY
	Yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment.

		ANNIE
	I have a tiny apartment.

		ALVY
 			Yeah, I know it's small.

		ANNIE
		(Picking up the suitcases and
		walking into the bedroom)
	That's right, and it's got bad plumbing
	and bugs.

		ALVY
		(Picking up some pictures and
		following Annie into the bedroom)
	All right, granted, it has bad plumbing
	and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a
	negative thing.  You know, bugs are-are-uh,
	entomology is a ...
		(Annie, reacting, tosses the
		suitcases and some loose clothing
		onto the bed.  She sits down on the
		edge, looking away. Alvy walks in,
		pictures and carton in band, still
		talking)
	... rapidly growing field.

		ANNIE
	You don't want me to live with you?

		ALVY
	How- I don't want you to live with me?
	How- Whose idea was it?

		ANNIE
	Mine.

		ALVY
	Ye-ah.  Was it ... It was yours actually,
	but, uh, I approved it immediately.

		ANNIE
	I guess you think that I talked you into
	something, huh?
		(putting pictures on the mantel)

		ALVY
	No-what, what ...? I ... we live together,
	we sleep together, we eat together.  Jesus,
	you don't want it to be like we're married,
	do yuh?

He moves over to the carton of books on the window seat and reaches in.  He
starts tossing books off screen.

		ANNIE
		(Looking up at Alvy)
	How is it any different?

		ALVY
		(Gesturing)
	It's different 'cause you keep your own
	apartment.
		(Holding a book, he starts walking
		around the room)
	Because you know it's there, we don't
	have to go to it, we don't have to deal
	with it, but it's like a-a-a free-floating
	life raft ... that we know that we're not
	married.

He tosses the book on the bed and walks back to the window seat.

		ANNIE
		(Still sitting on the bed)
	That little apartment is four hundred
	dollars a month, Alvy.

		ALVY
		(Looking at Annie)
	That place is four hundred dollars a month?

		ANNIE
	Yes, it is.

		ALVY
		(Whistling)
	It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs.  Jesus,
	I'll-My accountant will write it off as a
	tax deduction, I'll pay for it.

		ANNIE
		(Shaking her head)
	You don't think I'm smart enough to be
	serious about.

		ALVY
	Hey, don't be ridiculous.

Alvy moves over to the bed and sits down next to Annie.

		ANNIE
	Then why are you always pushing me to take
	those college courses like I was dumb or
	something?

		ALVY
		(Putting his hand to his forehead)
	'Cause adult education's a wonderful thing.
	You meet a lotta interesting professors.
	You know, it's stimulating.

EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY

Annie and Alvy, in Annie's VW, driving to their summerhouse.  The camera moves
with them as they pass a house with a lighted window, blooming foliage.  There
is no dialogue, but it is a comfortable quiet.  Classical music plays in the
background.

						CUT TO:

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT

Annie, sitting cross-legged on a wooden chest in the bedroom, is browsing
through a school catalogue.  Alvy lies in bed reading.

		ANNIE
		(Reading)
	Does this sound like a good course?
	Uh, "Modern American Poetry"?  Uh, or,
	uh-let's see now ... maybe I should, uh,
	take "Introduction to the Novel."

		ALVY
	Just don't take any course where they
	make you read Beowulf.

		ANNIE
	What?
		(Laughing)
	Hey, listen, what-what do you think?  Do
	you think we should, uh, go to that-that
	party in Southampton tonight?

Alvy leans over and kisses her shoulder.

		ALVY
	No, don't be silly.  What-what do we need
	other people for?
		(He puts his arms around her neck,
		kissing her, Annie making muffled
		sounds)
	You know, we should-we should just turn
	out the lights, you know, and play hide
	and seek or something.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Well, okay.  Well, listen, I'm gonna get
	a cigarette, okay?

		ALVY
		(Yelling out to her as she leaves
		the room)
	Yeah, grass, right?  The illusion that
	it will make a white woman more like
	Billie Holiday.

		ANNIE
		(Off screen)
	Well, have you ever made love high?

		ALVY
	Me, no.  You ... I-I-you know, if I
	have grass or alcohol or anything I
	get unbearably wonderful.  I get too,
	too wonderful for words.  You know,
	I don't-I don't know why you have to,
	uh, get high every time we make love.

		ANNIE
		(Moving back into the room and
		lighting a joint)
	It relaxes me.

		ALVY
	Oh, you-you have to be artificially
	relaxed before we can go to bed?

		ANNIE
		(Closing the door)
	Well, what's the difference, anyway?

		ALVY
	Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium
	pentothal.  You can sleep through it.

		ANNIE
	Oh, come on, look who's talking.  You've
	been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years.
		(She gets into bed and takes a
		puff of marijuana)
	You should smoke some o' this.  You'd be
	off the couch in no time.

		ALVY
	Oh, come, you don't need that.

Alvy, sitting down on the bed, moves over to Annie and takes the weed from her.

		ANNIE
	What are you doing?

		ALVY
		(Kissing her)
	No, no, no, what ... You can once, you
	can live without it once.  Come on.

		ANNIE
	Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please.
		(Laughing and making sounds)
	M'mrnm.

		ALVY
	M'm, wait, I got a great idea.
		(He gets up and goes over to the
		closet, taking out a light bulb.
		He goes back to the bed and turns
		out the lamp on the night table)
	Hang in there for a second.  I got a
	little-little artifact.  A little erotic
	artifact, that-that I brought up from the
	city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect.
		(He turns the lamp back on, having
		replaced the bulb with the red one
		from the closet)
	I just ... there ... There's a little Old
	New Orleans ... essence.  Now-now we can go
	about our business here and we can even
	develop photographs if we want to.  There,
	now there.
		(He undresses and crawls into bed,
		taking Annie in his arms)
	M'mmm.  M'mmm.  Hey, is something wrong?

		ANNIE

	Uh-uh-why?

		ALVY
	I don't know.  You- It's like you're-
	you're removed.

		ANNIE
	No, I'm fine.

As Annie speaks, her inner self (ghostlike, moves up from the bed and) sits
down on a chair, watching.

		ALVY
	Really?

		ANNIE
	U-huh.

		ALVY
	I don't know, but you seem sort of distant.

		ANNIE
	Let's just do it, all right?

		ALVY
		(Kissing and caressing Annie)
	Is it my imagination or are you just
	going through the motions?

		ANNIE'S SPIRIT
	Alvy, do you remember where I put my
	drawing pad?  Because while you two are
	doing that, I think I'm gonna do some
	drawing.

		ALVY
		(Reacting)
	You see, that's what I call removed.

		ANNIE
	Oh, you have my body.

		ALVY
	Yeah, but that's not-that's no good.
	I want the whole thing.

		ANNIE
		(Sighing)
	Well, I need grass and so do you.

		ALVY
	Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass
		(Clearing his throat)
	 because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	M'hm.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	-so if I get a laugh from a person who's
	high, it doesn't count.  You know-'cause
	they're always laughin'.

		ANNIE
	Were you always funny?

		ALVY
	Hey, what is this-an interview?  We're
	supposed to be making love.

						CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE.

A typical old-fashioned theatrical agency in a Broadway office building.
Autographed 8 X 12 is plastered in the sloppy room.  The agent, chewing a
cigar, sits behind his desk talking to one of his clients, a comedian, who
stands with his hands in his pockets.  A young Alvy sits stiffly in a chair
nearby watching.

		AGENT
	This guy is naturally funny.  I think
	he can write for you.

		COMIC
		(Buttoning his jacket)
	Yeah, yeah.  Hey, kid, he tells me you're
	really good.  Well, lemme explain a little
	bit o' how I work.  You know, you can tell
	right off the bat that I don't look like
	a funny guy when I come-you know, like some
	o' the guys that come out.  You know, right
	away
		(Gesturing)
	they're gonna tell yuh their stories, you're
	gonna fall down, but I gotta be really
	talented.  Material's gotta be sensational
	for me 'cause I work, you know, with very,
	very ... Come on, I'm kinda classy, you
	know what I mean?  Uh ... uh ... lemme
	explain.  For instance, I open with an
	opening song.  A musical start like
		(Ad-lib singing)
	and I walk out
		(Ad-lib singing)
	"Place looks wonderful from here and
	you folks look wonderful from here!
		(Singing)
	"And seein' you there
	With a smile on your face
	Makes me shout
	This must be the place."
	Then I stop right in the middle and then
	I open with some jokes.  Now, that's where
	I need you, right there.  For instance, like
	I say, "Hey, I just got back from Canada,
	you know, they speak a lotta French up
	there.  The only way to remember Jeanne
	d'Arc means the light's out in the bathroom!"
		(He laughs.  Seated Alvy looks
		up smiling)
	"Oh, I met a big lumberjack ..."

		ALVY'S VOICE
		(To himself)
	Jesus, this guy's pathetic.

		COMIC
		(Overlapping above speech)
	... big lumberjack ...

		ALVY'S VOICE
		(To himself while the comic
		continues his routine)
	Look at him mincing around, like he
	thinks he's real cute.  You wanna throw
	up.  If only I had the nerve to do my
	own jokes.  I don't know how much longer
	I can keep this smile frozen on my face.
	I'm in the wrong business, I know it.

		COMIC
		(Overlapping above speech)
	"'Cherie, come back.  I love you.
		(Shaking his lips and mimicking)
	But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with this,
	uh?' He says, 'Aw, Marie, sometime you
	make me so mad."'
		(Laughing)
	Oh, they scream at that.  Now, write me
	somethin' like that, will yuh?  Kinda
	French number, can yuh do it?  Huh, kid?

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The darkened auditorium is filled with college students applauding and cheering,
excited, as Alvy stands on spotlighted stage holding the microphone.

		ALVY
		(Gesturing)
	W-where am I? I-I keep ... I have to
	reorient myself.  This is the University
	of Wisconsin, right?  So I'm always ...
	I'm tense and ... uh, when I'm playin' a
	col- I've a very bad history with colleges.
	You know, I went to New York University and,
	uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman
	year ... for cheating on my metaphysics final.
	You know, I looked within the soul of the
	boy sitting next to me-
		(The audience laughs; they're with him)
	 -and when I was thrown out, my mother,
	who's an emotionally high-strung woman,
	locked herself in the bathroom and took an
	overdose of mah-jongg tiles.
		(More applause and laughter)
	And, uh, tsch, I was depressed.  I was ...
	in analysis, I-I, uh, was suicidal; as a
	matter of fact, uh, I would have killed
	myself but I was in analysis with a strict
	Freudian and if you kill yourself ... they
	make you pay for the sessions you miss.

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER.

Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for autographs.
Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering fans.

		ANNIE
	Alvy, you were ... Alvy, you were just
	great, I'm not kidding.  It was- You
	were so neat.

		ALVY
	C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.  Yeah.  And you know something?
	I think that I'm starting to get more
	of your references, too.

		ALVY
	Are yuh?

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		ALVY
	Well, the twelve o'clock show is
	completely different than the nine.

		YOUNG WOMAN
		(Interrupting)
	May I have your autograph?

		ANNIE
		(Over lapping above speech)
	Oh.

		ALVY
		(To Annie, while autographing)
	You're so sure about it.

		ANNIE
	Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to
	tomorrow.  I mean, you know, I think that
	it'll be really nice to meet Mother and
	Father.

They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture of Alvy with a
flash camera as they walk through the crowd.

		ALVY
	Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately.
		(To one of his fans)
	Thank you.

		ANNIE
	No, I don't think so.  No, I don't think
	they're gonna hate you at all.  On the
	contrary, I think-

		ALVY
	Yeah.

		ANNIE
	It's Easter.  You know, we'll have a nice
	dinner, we'll sit down and eat.  I think
	they're gonna really like you.

EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME-DAY

The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-manicured green
lawn, then cuts to:

INT. DINING ROOM.

Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner.  The sun is pouring through a big
picture window, shining on a large, elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one
end,- rubbing his nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr.
and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.

		MOM HALL
		(Holding her wine glass)
	It's a nice ham this year, Mom.

Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.

		ANNIE
		(Smiling at Duane)
	Oh, yeah.  Grammy always does such
	a good job.

		DAD HALL
		(Chewing)
	A great sauce.

		ALVY
	It is.
		(Smacking his lips)
	It's dynamite ham.

Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter dislike. Alvy tries
not to notice.

		MOM HALL
		(To Dad Hall, smoothing her hair)
	We went over to the swap meet.  Annie,
	Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.

		ANNIE
	We really had a good time.

Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the long black coat and
hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with mustache and heard.

		MOM HALL
		(Lighting a cigarette and turning
		to Alvy)
	Ann tells us that you've been seeing a
	psychiatrist for fifteen years.

		ALVY
		(Setting down his glass and coughing)
	Yes.  I'm making excellent progress.
	Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,
	I won't have to wear the lobster bib.

Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning.  Grammy continues to
stare.

		DAD HALL
	Duane and I went out to the boat basin.

		DUANE
	We were caulkin' holes all day.

		DAD HALL
	Yeah.
		(Laughing)
	Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.

		MOM HALL
	Oh, that Randolph Hunt.  You remember
	Randy Hunt, Annie.  He was in the choir
	with you.

		ANNIE
	Oh, yes, yes.

Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the camera.

		ALVY
		(To the audience)
	I can't believe this family.
		(Making chewing sounds)
	Annie's mother.  She really's beautiful.
	And they're talkin' swap meets and boat
	basins, and the old lady at the end of
	the table
		(Pointing to Grammy)
	is a classic Jew hater.  And, uh, they,
	they realty look American, you know,
	very healthy and ... like they never
	get sick or anything.  Nothing like my
	family.  You know, the two are like oil
	and water.

The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family - his mother, father,
aunt and uncle-busily eating at the crowded kitchen table.  They eat quickly
and interrupt one another loudly.  On the left the Halls in their dining room.
Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.

		ALVY'S FATHER
	Let 'im drop dead!  Who needs his
	business?!

		ALVY'S MOTHER
	His wife has diabetes!

		ALVY'S FATHER
	Di-diabetes?  Is that any excuse?
	Diabetes?

		ALVY'S UNCLE
	The man is fifty years old and doesn't
	have a substantial job.

		ALVY'S AUNT
		(Putting more meat on her
		husband's plate)
	Is that a reason to steal from his father?

		ALVY'S UNCLE
	Whatta you talkin' about?  You don't
	know what you're talking about.

		ALVY'S AUNT
	Yes, I know what I'm talking about.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
		(Interrupting)
	George, defend him!

		ALVY'S UNCLE
		(Over Alvy's father's muttering)
	No Moskowitz he had a coronary.

		ALVY'S AUNT
	You don't say.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
	We fast.

		MOM HALL
	Stupid Thelma Poindexter ... to the
	Veterans Hospital.

		DAD HALL
	My God, he's the new president of the
	El Regis.  Let me tell you, the man is
	somethin' else.

		MOM HALL
	That's Jack's wife.  We used to make
	that outta raisins.

		ANNIE
	Oh, yes, that's right.  Did you see
	the new play?

		MOM HALL
	Oh, you remember her, Annie.

		ANNIE
	Yes, I do.

The two families start talking back and forth to one another.  The screen is
still split.

		MOM HALL
	How do you plan to spend the holidays,
	Mrs. Singer?

		DAD HALL
	Fast?

		ALVY'S FATHER
	Yeah, no food.  You know, we have to
	atone for our sins.

		MOM HALL
	What sins?  I don't understand.

		ALVY'S FATHER
	Tell you the truth, neither do we.

						CUT TO:

INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

Duane, sitting on his bed, sees Alvy walking past the open door.

		DUANE
	Alvy.

		ALVY
		(Walking in)
	Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?

		DUANE
	This is my room.

		ALVY
		(Looking around)
	Oh, yeah?
		(He clears his throat)
	Terrific.

		DUANE
	Can I confess something?

Alvy sighs and sits down, leaning his arm on Duane's dresser.  Duane's face is
big lighted by a single lamp.

		DUANE
	I tell you this because, as an artist,
	I think you'll understand.  Sometimes
	when I'm driving ... on the road at night
	... I see two headlights coming toward me.
	Fast.  I have this sudden impulse to turn
	the wheel quickly, head-on into the
	oncoming car.  I can anticipate the
	explosion.  The sound of shattering glass.
	The ... flames rising out of the flowing
	gasoline.

		ALVY
		(Reacting and clearing his throat)
	Right.  Tsch, well, I have to-I have
	t-o go now, Duane, because I-I'm due
	back on the planet earth.

He slowly gets up and moves toward the door.

INT. THE HALLS' LIVING ROOM.

Mom and Dad Hall walk into the living room; Annie is with them.

		MOM HALL
	Now, don't let it be so long, now.

		ANNIE
	No.

		DAD HALL
	And look up Uncle Bill, you promise.

		ANNIE
	Okay.  Okay.

		MOM HALL
	Oh, he's adorable, Annie.

		ANNIE
	You think so?  Do you really?

		MOM HALL
	We're going to take them to the airport.

		DAD HALL
	Oh, no-Duane can.  I haven't finished
	my drink.

		ANNIE
	Yes, Duane is.  I'll be right-

		MOM HALL
	M'mmm.

		ANNIE
	I just have time to get the, uh-

She walks out of the room as Mom and Dad Hall kiss.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Duane, behind the wheel, stares straight ahead.  It is raining very hard, the
windshield wipers are moving quickly.  The headlights of another car brightens
the interior of Duane's car as the camera shows first Duane, then Annie, then
Alvy tensely staring straight ahead.

EXT. STREET- DAY

The camera bolds on a quiet New York City street; the buildings, brownstones.
It's a warm day-people sit on front stoops, window boxes are planted. Annie
walks into the frame first, then Alvy, who is walking to her right. They walk
quickly, side by side, their voices heard before they move into the frame.

		ANNIE
		(Off screen)
	You followed me.  I can't believe it!

		ALVY
		(Off screen)
	I didn't follow you!

		ANNIE
	You followed me!

		ALVY
	Why?  'Cause I ... was walkin' along
	a block behind you staring at you?
	That's not following!

		ANNIE
	Well, what is your definition of
	following?

		ALVY
		(Gasping)
	Following is different.  I was spying.

		ANNIE
	Do you realize how paranoid you are?

		ALVY
	Paranoid?  I'm looking at you.  You
	got your arms around another guy.

		ANNIE
	That is the worst kind of paranoia.

		ALVY
	Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying.
	I-I thought I'd surprise yuh.  Pick you
	up after school.

		ANNIE
	Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the
	relationship flexible, remember?
	It's your phrase.

		ALVY
	Oh, stop it.  But you were having an
	affair with your college professor.
	That jerk that teaches that incredible
	crap course "Contemporary Crisis in
	Western Man"!

		ANNIE
	"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"!
	You're really close.

		ALVY
	What's the difference?  It's all mental
	masturbation.

		ANNIE
		(Stopping for a moment)
	Oh, well, now we're finally getting to
	a subject you know something about!

She walks away.

		ALVY
		(Catching up to her)
	Hey, don't knock masturbation!  It's
	sex with someone I love.

		ANNIE
		(Continuing to walk quickly)
	We're not having an affair.  He's married.
	He just happens to think I'm neat.

		ALVY
		(Still walking next to her)
	"Neat"!  There's that- What are you-twelve
	years old?  That's one o' your Chippewa
	Falls expressions!  "He thinks I'm neat."

		ANNIE
	Who cares?  Who cares?

		ALVY
	Next thing you know he'll find you keen
	and peachy, you know?  Next thing you
	know he's got his hand on your ass!

They both stop in the middle of the street.

		ANNIE
	You've always had hostility toward
	David ever since I mentioned him!

		ALVY
	David?  You call your teacher David?

		ANNIE
	It's his name.

		ALVY
		Well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's
	a biblical name.  Right?  W-What does
	he call you?  Bathsheba?

He walks away.

		ANNIE
		(Calling after him)
	Alvy!  Alvy!  You're the one who never
	wanted to make a real commitment.  You
	don't think I'm smart enough!  We had
	that argument just last month, or don't
	ou remember that day?

						CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN.

Alvy is at the sink washing dishes as the screen cuts to the scene of last
month's argument.  Annie's voice is heard.

		ANNIE
		(Off screen)
	I'm home!

		ALVY
		(Turning)
	Oh, yeah?  How'd it go?

		ANNIE
		(Comes into the kitchen and puts
		down a bag of groceries on the
		kitchen table)
	Oh, it was ...
		(Laughing)
	really weird.  But she's a very nice woman.

		ALVY
	Yeah?

		ANNIE
	And I didn't have to lie down on the couch,
	Alvy, she had me sitting up.  So I told her
	about-about the-the family and about my
	feelings toward men and about my
	relationship with my brother.

		ALVY
	M'm.

		ANNIE
	And then she mentioned penis envy ...
	Did you know about that?

		ALVY
	Me?  I'm-I'm one of the few males who
	suffers from that, so, so ... you know.

		ANNIE
	M'hm.

		ALVY
	G-go on, I'm interested.

		ANNIE
	Well, she said that I was very guilty
	about my impulses toward marriage,
	and-and children.

		ALVY
	M'hm.

		ANNIE
	And then I remembered when I was a kid
	how I accidentally saw my parents making
	love.

		ALVY
	Tsch.  Rea- All this happened in the
	first hour?

		ANNIE
	M'hm.

		ALVY
	That's amazing. I-I-I ... I've been
	goin' for fifteen years, I-you know,
	I don't got ... nothing like that in-

		ANNIE
	Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.

		ALVY
	You cried?  I've never once cried.
	Fantastic ...

		ANNIE
		(Taking groceries from the bag)
	Yeah.

		ALVY
	I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.

		ANNIE
	In-in ... Alvy, in my dream Frank
	Sinatra is holding his pillow across
	my face and I can't breathe.

		ALVY
	Sinatra?

		ANNIE
	Yeah, and he's strangling me ...

		ALVY
	Yeah?

		ANNIE
	... and I keep, you know, it's-

		ALVY
		(Taking a bottle of juice and
		some celery from the bag)
	Well, well, sure ... because he's a
	singer and you're a singer, you know,
	so it's perfect.  So you're trying to
	suffocate yourself.  It-it makes perfect
	sense.  Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic
	... kind of insight.

		ANNIE
		(Pointing her finger at Alvy)
	She said, your name was Alvy Singer.

		ALVY
		(Turning to Annie)
	Whatta you mean?  Me?

		ANNIE
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, you.  Because in the
	dream ... I break Sinatra's glasses.

		ALVY
		(Putting his band to his mouth)
	Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra
	had glasses.  So whatta you saying that
	I-I'm suffocating you?

		ANNIE
		(Turning, ajar in her hand)
	Oh, and God, Alvy, I did ... this really
	terrible thing to him.  Because then when
	he sang it was in this real high-pitched
	voice.

		ALVY
		(Thinking)
	Tsch, what'd the doctor say?

		ANNIE
		(Putting away some groceries)
	Well, she said that I should probably
	come five times a week.  And you know
	something?  I don't think I mind analysis
	at all.  The only question is, Will it
	change my wife?

		ALVY
	Will it change your wife?

		ANNIE
	Will it change my life?

		ALVY
	Yeah, but you said, "Will it change
	my wife"!

		ANNIE
	No, I didn't.
		(Laughing)
	I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.

		ALVY
	You said, "Will it change. . ." Wife.
	Will it change ...

		ANNIE
		(Yelling out, angry)
	Life.  I said, "life."

Alvy turns toward the camera.

		ALVY
		(To the audience)
	She said, "Will it change my wife." You
	heard that because you were there so I'm
	not crazy.

		ANNIE
		And, Alvy ... and then I told her about
	how I didn't think you'd ever really take
	me seriously, because you don't think that
	I'm smart enough.

She walks out of the room.

		ALVY
			(To Annie's back, gesturing)
	Why do you always bring that up?  Because
	I encourage you to take adult-education
	courses?  I think it's a wonderful thing.
	You meet wonderful, interesting professors'.

						CUT TO:

EXT. STREET

Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next to her gesturing as people
and cars move by.

		ALVY
	Adult education is such junk!  The
	professors are so phony.  How can you
	do it?

		ANNIE
	A bit rapidly.  I don't care what you
	say about David, he's a perfectly fine
	teacher!

		ALVY
		(Interrupting)
	David!  David!  I can't believe this!

		ANNIE
	And what are you doing following me
	around for, anyway?

		ALVY
	I'm following you and David, if you-

		ANNIE
		(Interrupting)
	I just think we oughta call this
	relationship quits!

Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.

ALVY
		That's fine.  That's fine.  That's great!
		(He turns toward the camera as the
		cab drives away)
	Well, I don't know what I did wrong.
		(Gesturing)
	I mean, I can't believe this.  Somewhere
	she cooled off to me!
		(He walks up to an older woman
		walking down the street carrying
		groceries)
	Is it-is it something that I did?

WOMAN ON THE STREET
	Never something you do.  That's how
	people are. Love fades.

She moves on down the street.

ALVY
			(Scratching his head)
	Love fades.  God, that's a depressing
	thought. Have to ask you a question.
		(He stops another passer-by,a man)
	Don't go any further.  Now, with your
	wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind
	o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana?

		MAN ON THE STREET
	We use a large vibrating egg.

He walks on.

		ALVY
		(Continuing to walk)
	Large vibrating egg.  Well, I ask a
	psychopath, I get that kind of an answer.
	Jesus, I-I, uh, here ...
		(He moves up the sidewalk to
		a young trendy-looking couple,
		arms wrapped around each other)
	You-you look like a really happy couple.
	Uh, uh ... are you?

		YOUNG WOMAN
		Yeah.

		ALVY
		Yeah!  So ... so h-h-how do you account
	for it?

		YOUNG WOMAN
	Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I
	have no ideas and nothing interesting
	to say.

		YOUNG MAN
	And I'm exactly the same way.

		ALVY
	I see.  Well, that's very interesting.
	So you've managed to work out something, huh?

		YOUNG MAN
	Right.

		YOUNG WOMAN
		Yeah.

		ALVY
	Oh, well, thanks very much for talking
	to me.

He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves into the street. A
mounted policeman comes by and stops near him. Alvy looks at the horse, as if
to speak.

		ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
	You know, even as a kid I always went
	for the wrong women.  I think that's my
	problem.  When my mother took me to see
	Snow White, everyone fell in love with
	Snow White.  I immediately fell for the
	Wicked Queen.

The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs.  The Wicked Queen, resembling Annie, sits in the palace before her
mirror.  Alvy, as a cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms crossed in front of
him.

		WICKED QUEEN
	We never have any fun anymore.

		CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
	How can you say that?

		WICKED QUEEN
	Why not?  You're always leaning on me
 	to improve myself.

		CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
		You're just upset.  You must be getting
	your period.

		WICKED QUEEN
		I don't get a period!  I'm a cartoon
	character.  Can't I be upset once in
	a while?

Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other side of the Wicked
Queen.

		CARTOON FIGURE ROB
	Max, will you forget about Annie?  I
	know lots of women you can date.

		CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
		I don't wanna go out with any other women.

		CARTOON FIGURE ROB
	Max, have I got a girl for you.  You are
	going to love her.  She's a reporter-

The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked Queen; the screen
dissolves into the interior of a concert ball.  Rob's voice carries over from
the cartoon scene as the screen shows Alvy with the female reporter.  It's very
crowded, noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere. Alvy stands with his
hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.

		CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER
	-for Rolling Stone.

		FEMALE REPORTER
		I think there are more people here to
	see the Maharishi than there were to see
	the Dylan concert.  I covered the Dylan
	concert ... which gave me chills.
	Especially when he sang "She takes just
	like a woman And she makes love just
	like a woman Yes, she does And she aches
	just like a woman But she breaks just
	like a little girl."
		(They move toward the aisles as
		a guard holds up his hands to stop
		them)
	Up to that I guess the most charismatic
	event I covered was Mick's Birthday when
			the Stones played Madison Square Garden.

		ALVY
		(Laughing)
	Man, that's great.  That's just great.

		REPORTER
	You catch Dylan?

		ALVY
		(Coughing)
	Me?  No, no. I-I couldn't make it that
	ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.

		REPORTER
	You have a raccoon?

		ALVY
		(Gesturing)
	Tsch, a few.

		REPORTER
		The only word for this is trans-plendid.
	It's trans-plendid.

		ALVY
	I can think of another word.

		REPORTER
		He's God!  I mean, this man is God!  He's
	got millions of followers who would crawl
	all the way across the world just to touch
	the hem of his garment.

		ALVY
	Really?  It must be a tremendous hem.

		REPORTER
	I'm a Rosicrucian myself.

		ALVY
	Are you?

		REPORTER
		Yeah.

		ALVY
	I can't get with any religion that
	advertises in Popular Mechanics.  Look-
		(The Maharisbi, a small, chunky
		man, walks out of the men's room,
		huge bodyguards flanking him while
		policemen bold back the crowds)
	there's God coming outta the men's room.

		REPORTER
		It's unbelievably trans-plendid!  I was
	at the Stones concert in Altamount when
	they killed that guy, remember?

		ALVY
		Yeah, were yuh?  I was-I was at an Alice
	Cooper thing where six people were rushed
	to the hospital with bad vibes.

INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted cigarette in her hand.  Alvy, lying
next to her, rubs his eyes and puts on his eyeglasses.

		REPORTER
			(Looking down at him)
	I hope you don't mind that I took so long
	to finish.

		ALVY
			(Sighing)
	Oh, no, no, don't be ... tsch ... don't
	be silly.  You know,
		(Yawning)
	I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some
	feeling back in my jaw now.

		REPORTER
		Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque
	experience.

		ALVY
	Oh, tsch, thank you.  H'm.

		REPORTER
		I mean that as a compliment.

		ALVY
		(Making sounds)
	I think-I think there's too much burden
	placed on the orgasm, you know, to make
	up for empty areas in life.

		REPORTER
		Who said that?

		ALVY
		(Rubbing his chin and shoulder)
	Uh, oh, I don't know.  It might have
	been Leopold and Loeb.
		(The telephone rings.  Alvy picks
		it up, rising up slightly from the
		bed, concerned, as he talks)
	Hello.  Oh, hi ... Uh, no, what-what's
	the matter?  What-what-what?  You sound
	terrible ... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh
	-what kind of an emergency? ... No, well,
	stay there.  Stay there, I'll come over
	right now.  I'll come over right now.  Just
	stay there, I'll come right over.

He hangs up.  The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the situation.

INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY

Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes to open the door to Alvy's knock.

		ALVY
	What's- It's me, open up.

		ANNIE
			(Opening the door)
	Oh.

		ALVY
		Are you okay?  What's the matter?
		(They look at each other, Annie
		sighing)
	Are you all right?  What-

		ANNIE
		There's a spider in the bathroom.

		ALVY
		(Reacting)
	What?

		ANNIE
	There's a big black spider in the bathroom.

		ALVY
		That's what you got me here for at three
	o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a
	spider in the bathroom?

		ANNIE
		My God, I mean, you know how I am about
	insects.

		ALVY
			(Interrupting, sighing)
	Oooh.

		ANNIE
	-I can't sleep with a live thing crawling
	around in the bathroom.

		ALVY
		Kill it!  For Go- What's wrong with you?
	Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?

		ANNIE
			(Shaking her head)
	No.

Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move into the living
room.

		ALVY
			(Sighing)
	I told you a thousand times you should
	always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray.
	You never know who's gonna crawl over.

		ANNIE
		(Following him)
	I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and
	a fire extinguisher.

		ALVY
	Jesus.  All right, gimme a magazine.
	I- 'cause I'm a little tired.
		(While Annie goes of to find
		him a magazine, Alvy, still
		talking, glances around the
		apartment.  He notices a small
		book on a cabinet and picks it up.)
	You know, you, you joke with-about me,
	you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for
	anything.  An emergency, a tidal wave,
	an earthquake.  Hey, what is this?
	What?  Did you go to a rock concert?

		ANNIE
		Yeah.

		ALVY
	Oh, yeah, really?  Really?  How-how'd
	you like it?  Was it-was it, I mean,
	did it ... was it heavy?  Did it achieve
	total heavy-ocity?  Or was it, uh...

		ANNIE
		It was just great!

		ALVY
			(Thumbing through the book)
	Oh, humdinger.  When- Well, I got a
	wonderful idea.  Why don'tcha get the
	guy who took you to the rock concert,
	we'll call him and he can come over and
	kill the spider.  You know, it's a-

He tosses the book down on the cabinet.

		ANNIE
		I called you; you wanna help me ... or
	not?  H'h?  Here.

She hands him a magazine.

		ALVY
			(Looking down at the magazine)
	What is this?  What are you, since
	when do you read the "National Review"?
	What are you turning in to?

		ANNIE
			(Turning to a nearby chair for
		some gum in her pocketbook)
	Well, I like to try to get all points
	of view.

		ALVY
	It's wonderful.  Then why don'tcha get
	William F. Buckley to kill the spider?

		ANNIE
		(Spinning around to face him)
	Alvy, you're a little hostile, you
	know that?  Not only that, you look
	thin and tired.

She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.

		ALVY
 		Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock
	in the morning.  You, uh, you got me
	outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't
	get a taxi cab.  You said it was an
	emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up
	the stairs.  Hell - I was a lot more
	attractive when the evening began.
	Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you
	going with a right-wing rock-and roll
	star?  Is that possible?

		ANNIE
			(Sitting down on a chair arm
		and looking up at Alvy)
	Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?

		ALVY
		Hey, what am I-your son?  Whatta you mean?
	I-I came over TV --_

		ANNIE
			(Touching his chest with her hand)
	I got the good chocolate, Alvy.

		ALVY
		Yeah, where is the spider?

		ANNIE
		It really is lovely.  It's in the bathroom.

		ALVY
		Is he in the bathroom?

		ANNIE
		(Rising from chair)
	Hey, don't squish it, and after it's
	dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?
	And flush it a couple o' times.

		ALVY
			(Moving down the hallway to
		the bathroom)
	Darling, darling, I've been killing
	spiders since I was thirty, okay?

		ANNIE
			(Upset, hands on her neck)
	Oh.  What?

		ALVY
		(Coming back into the living room)
	Very big spider.

		ANNIE
		Yeah?

		ALVY
		Two ... Yeah.  Lotta, lotta trouble.
	There's two of 'em.

Alvy starts walking down the ball again, Annie following.

		ANNIE
		Two?

		ALVY
 			(Opening a closet door)
	Yep.  I didn't think it was that big,
	but it's a major spider.  You got a
	broom or something with a-

		ANNIE
	Oh, I-I left it at your house.

		ALVY
			(Overlapping)
	-snow shovel or anything or something.

		ANNIE
			(Overlapping)
	I think I left it there, I'm sorry.

Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis racquet.

		ALVY
			(Holding the racquet)
	Okay, let me have this.

		ANNIE
		Well, what are you doing ... what are
	you doing with-

		ALVY
		Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom
	the size of a Buick.

He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.

		ANNIE
		Well, okay.  Oooh.

Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in one band, rolled
magazine in the other.  He looks over at the shelf above the sink and picks up
a small container.  He holds it out, shouting off screen to Annie.

		ALVY
	Hey, what is this?  You got black soap?

		ANNIE
			(Off screen)
	It's for my complexion.

		ALVY
		Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show?
	Geez.
		(Alvy turns and starts swapping
		the racquet over the shelf, knocking
		down articles and breaking glass)
	Don't worry!
		(He continues to swat the racquet
		all over the bathroom.  He finally
		moves out of the room, hands close
		to his body.  He walks into the
		other room, where Annie is sitting
		in a corner of her bed leaning against
		the wall)
	I did it!  I killed them both.  What-what's
	the matter?  Whatta you-
		(Annie is sobbing, her band over
		her face)
	-whatta you sad about?  You- What'd you
	want me to do?  Capture 'em and rehabilitate
	'em?

		ANNIE
			(Sobbing and taking Alvy's arm)
	Oh, don't go, okay?  Please.

		ALVY
			(Sitting down next to her)
	Whatta you mean, don't go?  Whatta-whatta
	-what's the matter?  Whatta you expecting
	-termites?  What's the matter?

		ANNIE
			(Sobbing)
	Oh, uh, I don't know.  I miss you.  Tsch.

She beats her fist on the bed.  Reacting, Alvy puts his arm around her shoulder
and leans back against the wall.

		ALVY
		Oh, Jesus, really?

		ANNIE
			(Leaning on his shoulder)
	Oh, yeah.  Oh.
		(They kiss)
	Oh!  Alvy?

		ALVY
	What?

He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.

		ANNIE
		Was there somebody in your room when
	I called you?

		ALVY
		W-w-whatta you mean?

		ANNIE
		I mean was there another- I thought I
	heard a voice.

		ALVY
	Oh, I had the radio on.

		ANNIE
	Yeah?

		ALVY
	I'm sorry.  I had the television set
	... I had the television-

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.

						CUT TO:

INT. ALVY'S BED

Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning on her elbow looking down
at him.  He rubs her arms and she smiles.

		ANNIE
		Alvy, let's never break up again.  I don't
	wanna be apart.

		ALVY
	Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too
	mature for something like that.

		ANNIE
		Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?

		ALVY
		It's all right for me, it's been terrific,
	you know?  Better than either one of my
	marriages.  See, 'cause. . . 'cause there's
	just something different about you.  I
	don't know what it is, but it's great.

		ANNIE
		(Snickering)
	You know I think that if you let me, maybe
	I could help you have more fun, you know?
	I mean, I know it's hard and ... Yeah.

		ALVY
	I don't know.

		ANNIE
	Alvy, what about ... what if we go away
	this weekend, and we could-

		ALVY
		Tsch, why don't we get ... why don't
	we get Rob, and the three of us'll
	drive into Brooklyn, you know, and
	we show you the old neighborhood.

		ANNIE
		Okay, okay.  Okay.

		ALVY
		That'd be fun for yuh.  Don't you think-

		ANNIE
		Yeah.

Alvy raises up his head and they kiss.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Annie is behind the wheel in her VW, Rob is beside her, Alvy in the back seat
leaning forward so that his head is between them.  They're driving down the
highway.

		ANNIE
		-me, my God, it's a great day!

		ALVY
		(Interrupting)
	Hey, can yuh watch the road?  Watch the --

		ROB
			(Overlapping)
	Yeah, watch the road!

		ALVY
	You'll total the whole car.

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	Hey, you know, I never even visited
	Brooklyn before.

		ROB
		I can't wait to see the old neighborhood.

		ALVY
		Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.

		ROB
		We can show her the schoolyard.

		ALVY
		Right.  I was a great athlete.  Tell
	her, Max, I was the best, I was all
	schoolyard.

		ROB
	Yes, I remember.
		(Annie laughs)
	He was all schoolyard.  They threw him
	a football once, he tried to dribble it.

		ALVY
	Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses a lot.

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK.

Alvy Annie and Rob move toward the roller coaster on the screen.  The area's
deserted.  Sea gulls are heard.

		ALVY
	Oh, look, look, there's that ... that's
	-that's my old house.  That's where I
	used to live.

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	Holy cow!

		ROB
		You're lucky, Max-where I used to live
	is now a pornographic equipment store.

Annie laughs.

		ALVY
	I have some very good memories there.

		ROB
		What kind of good memories, Max?
	Your mother and father fighting all
	the time.

		ALVY
	Yeah, and always over the most
	ridiculous things.

FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S HOUSE.

Alvy's father sits in his chair.  His mother is polishing a door while Alvy
lies on the floor playing.  Annie, adult Alvy and Rob quietly walk into the
scene to watch.

		ALVY'S FATHER
	You fired the cleaning woman?

		ALVY'S MOTHER
	She was stealing.

		ALVY'S FATHER
	But she's colored.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
		SO?

		ALVY'S FATHER
	So the colored have enough trouble.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
	She was going through my pocketbook!

		ALVY'S FATHER
	They're persecuted enough!

		ALVY'S MOTHER
	Who's persecuting?  She stole!

Alvy's father gets up and gets his hard hat.  He sits back down and starts
polishing it.

		ALVY'S FATHER
		All right-so we can afford it.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
		How can we afford it?  On your pay?
	What if she steals more?

		ALVY'S FATHER
		She's a colored woman, from Harlem!
	She has no money!  She's got a right
	to steal from us!  After all, who is
	she gonna steal from if not us?

		ADULT ALVY
			(Yelling into the scene)
	You're both crazy!

		ROB
		They can't hear you, Max.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
		Leo ... I married a fool!

		ROB
		(Pointing)
	Hey, Max!  Who's that?

As the three friends watch Alvy's old living room, the scene has suddenly
shifted.  A huge crowd stands around the room, laughing, eating, chatting and
vibrating with the turns of the roller-coaster ride.

		ALVY
		It-it-it's the welcome-home party
	in nineteen forty-five, for my cousin
	Herbie.

		ADULT ALVY
			(Pointing)
	Look, look, there's-there's that one
	over there, that's Joey Nichols, he
	was my-
		(Young Alvy stands next to Joey
		Nichols, who's sitting in one of
		the easy chairs.  They smile at
		each other; people and noise all
		around)
	-father's friend.  He was always bothering
	me when I was a kid.

		JOEY
		Joey Nichols.
		(Laughing)
	See.  Nichols.  See, Nichols!
		(Joey shows young Alvy his cuff
		links and a tie pin, which are
		made from nickels, as Alvy stands
		with hands on hips, unconcerned.
		Joey then slaps his band to his
		forehead and puts a nickel on
		his forehead)
	Yuh see, nickels!  You can always
	remember my name, just think of Joey
	Five Cents.
		(Laughing)
	That's me.  Joey Five Cents!

Joey grabs Alvy's cheeks and pinches them.

		YOUNG ALVY
			(Turning away)
	What an asshole!

A group of women stands near a buffet table eating and listening to Alvy
mother and her sister, Tessie, and a young girl, as the three friends watch.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
		I was always the sister with good common
	sense.  But Tessie was always the one
	with personality.  When she was younger,
	they all wanted to marry Tessie.

She touches Tessie's shoulder.  Tessie starts to laugh.

		ADULT ALVY
			(Pointing, to Rob)
	Do you believe that, Max?  Tessie
	Moskowitz had the personality.  She's
	the life of the ghetto, no doubt.

		ALVY'S MOTHER
			(To the young girl)
	She was once a great beauty.

Tessie nods her head "yes."

		ROB
	Tessie, they say you were the sister
	with personality.

		TESSIE
			(Addressing the young girl)
	I was a great beauty.

		ROB
		Uh, how did this personality come about?

		TESSIE
			(Grabbing the young girl's cheek)
	I was very charming.

		ROB
		There were many men interested in you?

		TESSIE
			(To the young girl)
	Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.

Tessie gyrates back and forth imitating a dancer while Annie and the adult
Alvy lean on each other laughing.

		ROB
			(Laughing)
	That's pretty hard to believe.

EXT. STREET.

Alvy and Annie walk contentedly down a street; Alvy's arm is draped around
Annie.  People walk by them on the street as they move toward their apartment
building.

		ANNIE
		Well, I had a really good day, you know
	that?  It was just a real fine way to
	spend my birthday.

		ALVY
	Ah?  Oh, well, your birthday's not till
	tomorrow, honey, I hate to tell yuh.

		ANNIE
	Yeah, but it's real close.

		ALVY
		Yeah, but no presents till midnight.

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	Oh, darn it.

INT. APARTMENT

Annie and Alvy sit on the sofa.  Annie's unwrapping a gift while Alvy watches.

		ANNIE
			(Making sounds)
	This is-
		(Making sounds)
	Huh?

She pulls out flimsy black lingerie from the box.

		ALVY
	Happy birthday.

		ANNIE
	What is this? Is this a...Present?
		(Laughing)
	Are you kidding?

		ALVY
		Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on?

		ANNIE
	Uh, yeah, uh ... t-t-this is more like
	a present for you, yeah, but it's-

		ALVY
	Try it ... it'll add years to our
	sex life.

		ANNIE
			(Looking up at Alvy and laughing)
	Uh huh.  Yeah.  Forget it.

Alvy leans over and hands her another box as she puts down the lingerie.

		ALVY
	Here's a real present.

		ANNIE
			(Opening the gift)
	What... huh?

		ALVY
	Check it out.

		ANNIE
	Oh, yeah?  What is this, anyway?
		(continuing)
	Let me see.  Okay, let's... oooh, God!
		(She takes out a watch from the box)
	Oh, you knew I wanted this ...
		(Laughing)
	God, it's terrific, God!

		ALVY
			(Making sounds)
	Yeah, I know.  Just-just put on the
	watch, and-and ... that thing, and
	we'll just ...

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	Oh!  My God!
		(Making sounds)

Alvy kisses Annie.

INT. NIGHT CLUB.

Annie, spotlighted onstage, stands in front of the microphone, smiling.  She
looks downward and sings "Seems Like Old Times.  " The audience applauds
loudly as the music fades out.

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	Thank you.

Alvy sits at the bar, clapping and staring at Annie as she walks over to him
and sits down.  The low murmur of the night club is surrounding them.

		ALVY
			(Reacting)
	You were-you were sensational.  I mean,
	I-you know, I-I told yuh that if yuh stuck
	to it, you would be great, and-and, you
	know, I-I-you-you were sensational.

		ANNIE
		(Looking at Alvy, smiling)
	Yeah, well, we have the, I mean, they were
	just a terrific audience, I mean, you know,
	it makes it really easy for me, because I
	can be ... huh?

Tony, a famous record personality, pushes through the crowd, moving toward
Alvy and Annie.  An entourage follows him as he makes his way to their table.

TONY
	Excuse me.

He shakes hands with Annie, smiling.

		ANNIE
		Oh.

		TONY
	Hi, I'm-I'm Tony Lacey.

		ANNIE
		Well, hi!

		TONY
	Uh, we just wanted to stop by and say
	that we really enjoyed your sets.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh, yeah, really, oh!

		TONY
	I though it was ... very musical, and I
	liked it a lot.

		ANNIE
		Oh, neat ... oh, that's very nice,
	gosh, thanks a lot.

		TONY
	Are you ... are you recording?  Or do-
	Are you with any label now?

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	No, no, no, not at all.

		TONY
		Uh, well, I'd like to talk to you about
	that sometime, if you get a chance.

Seated Alvy looks the other way, reacting.

		ANNIE
	Oh.  What about?

		TONY
	... of possibly working together.

		ANNIE
		(Looking for the first time at Alvy)
	Well, hey, that's, that's nice.  Uh.
	Oh, listen, this is, uh, Alvy Singer.
	Do you know Alvy?  Uh ... and ... uh ...
	Tony Lacey.

		TONY
		No, I don't-I don't know, but I-I know
	your work.  I'm a big fan of yours.

Tony reaches over and shakes hands with Alvy.  The nightclub crowd surrounds
them all with their low chatter and cigarette smoke.

		ALVY
	Thank you very much.  It's a pleasure.

		TONY
			(Turning to introduce his entourage)
	This is, uh, Shawn, and, uh ... Bob and
	Petronia.

		ANNIE
		Hi.

		ENTOURAGE
	Hi.

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	Hi, hi, Bob ...

		TONY
	Uh ... w-we're going back to the Pierre.
	We're staying at the Pierre ... and we're
	gonna meet Jack and Angelica, and have a
	drink there, and ... if you'd like to come,
	uh, we'd love to have you.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		TONY
		And we could just sit and talk ... nothing.
	Uh, not a big deal, it's just relax, just
	be very mellow.

Annie and Tony and his entourage turn to look at Alvy.

		ALVY
		(Fingers to his mouth, reacting)
	Remember, we had that thing.

		ANNIE
		What thing?

		ALVY
			(Staring at Annie and clearing
		his throat)
	Don't you remember we-we-we discussed
	that thing that we were-

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	Thing?

		ALVY
		(Overlapping)
	-yes, we had, uh ...

		ANNIE
		(Looking at Alvy, reacting)
	Oh, the thing!  Oh, the thing ...
		(Laughing)
	... yeah ... yeah.

Annie turns, looks at Tony as he smiles and gestures with his hands.

		TONY
	Oh, well, I-if it's inconvenient, eh,
	we can't do it now ... that's fine,
	too.  W-w-w-we'll do it another time.

		ANNIE
		Hey-

		TONY
	Maybe if you're on the Coast, we'll get
	together and ... and we'll meet there.

He shakes hands with Annie.

		ANNIE
		(Reacting)
	Oh.

		TONY
		It was a wonderful set.

		ANNIE
	Oh, gosh.

		TONY
		(Smiling)
	I really enjoyed it.
		(Looking at Alvy)
	Nice to have metcha.  Good night.

		ENTOURAGE
	Bye-bye.

		ANNIE
	Nice to see you ... bye.  Yeah.  Bye.

She turns and looks at Alvy.

		ALVY
		(Reacting)
	What's ... you ... well, what's the
	matter, You w-wanna go to that party?

		ANNIE
		(Looking down at her hands,
		then up at Alvy)
	I don't know, I thought it might be kind
	of fun, you know what I mean, it'd be
	nice to meet some new people.

		ALVY
			(Sighing)
	I'm just not ... you know, I don't think
	I could take a mellow eve- 'cause I-I
	don't respond well to mellow, you know
	what I mean, I-I have a tendency to ...
	if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then
	rot.  You know, and it's-it's not good
	for my ...
		(Making sounds)

		ANNIE
	All right, all right, you don't wanna go
	to the party, so uh, whatta you wanna do?

INT. MOVIE THEATER.

The screen is projecting the beginning of "The Sorrow and the Pity": a street
filled with fleeing cars, belongings tied on top and piled in the back seats.
Subtitles pop on:

"The Jewish warmongers and
Parisian plutocrats tried
to flee with their gold and jewels"

as a narrator explains in German.

						CUT TO.

Split screen: Annie and her psychiatrist on the left; Alvy and his on the
right. Annie, talking, sits in a white molded chair, as does her doctor.
The office is very modern: stark, white and chrome. Alvy, talking to his
psychiatrist, lies on a deep leather sofa, the doctor seated away from him.
This office looks more like a well-worn den: bookcases overflowing, dark wood.
The dialogue is separated in each screen, though no one talks simultaneously.

		ANNIE
			(To her doctor)
	That day in Brooklyn was the last day
	I remember really having a great time.

		ALVY
		(To his doctor)
	Well, we never have any laughs anymore,
	is the problem.

		ANNIE
	Well, I've been moody and dissatisfied.

		ALVY'S PSYCHIATRIST
		How often do you sleep together?

		ANNIE'S PSYCHIATRIST
	Do you have sex often?

		ALVY
	Hardly ever.  Maybe three times a week.

		ANNIE
	Constantly!  I'd say three times a week.
	Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have
	sex.

		ALVY
	She would not sleep with me the other
	night, you know, it's-

		ANNIE
	And ... I don't know ... I mean, six months
	ago I-I woulda done it.  I woulda done it,
	just to please him.

		ALVY
	I mean ... I tried everything, you know,
	I-I-I put on soft music and my-my red light
	bulb, and ...

		ANNIE
		But the thing is-I mean, since our
	discussions here, I feel I have a right
	to my own feelings.  I think you woulda
	been happy because ... uh, uh, I really
	asserted myself.

		ALVY
	The incredible thing about it is, I'm
	paying for her analysis and she's making
	progress and I'm getting screwed.

		ANNIE
	I don't know, though, I feel so guilty
	because Alvy is paying for it, so, you
	know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go
	to bed with him.  But if I do go to bed
	with him, it's like I'm going against my
	own feelings.  I don't know I-I can't win.

		ALVY
		(Simultaneously, with Annie)
	You know ... it's getting expensive
	...my analyst ... for her analyst.  She-
	she's making progress and I'm not making
	any progress.  Her progress is defeating
	my progress.

		ANNIE
		(Simultaneously, with Alvy)
	Sometimes I think-sometimes I think I
	should just live with a woman.

						CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT

Alvy and Annie sit close together on the sofa in some friends' apartment.
Their friends, another couple, stand behind the sofa in the background.
Excited, they talk almost all at once.

		WOMAN FRIEND
	Wow, I don't believe it ... you mean to
	tell me you guys have never snorted coke?

		ANNIE
	Well, I always wanted to try, you know,
	but, uh, Alvy, uh ... he's very down on it.

		ALVY
	Hey, don't put it on me.  You kn- Wh-what
	is it, I don't wanna put a wad of white
	powder in my nose 'cause the-the nasal
	membranes ...

They all start talking at once.

		ANNIE
	You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.

		ALVY
		(Counting on his fingers)
	How can you say that?  I mean,
		(Making sounds)
	who said I-I-I-I said that you, I and that
	girl from your acting class should sleep
	together in a threesome.

		ANNIE
		(Reacting)
	That's sick!

		ALVY
	Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new.
	You know, you didn't say it couldn't be
	sick.

Annie laughs, chatters.

		WOMAN FRIEND
	Just come on, Alvy.
		(All four are now sitting on the
		sofa. The male friend starts to
		prepare lines of cocaine; Alvy
		and Annie look at each other,
		reacting)
	Do your body a favor.  Try it, come on.

		ALVY
	Oh, yeah?

		ANNIE
		Yeah.  Come on.  It'd be fun.

		ALVY
		(Moving forward on the couch)
	Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause
	the Incas did it, you know, and-and
	they-they-they were a million laughs.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Alvy, come on, for your own experience.
	I mean, you wanna write, why not?

		MALE FRIEND
	It's great stuff, Alvy.  Friend of mine
	just brought it in from California.

		ANNIE
	Oh, do you know something-I didn't tell
	yuh, we're going to California next week.

		GIRL
	Oh, really?

		ANNIE
	Yeah ...

		ALVY
		... I'm thrilled.  As you know, uh ...
	uh, on my agent's advice I sold out,
	and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.

		ANNIE
		(Interrupting)
	No, no, no that's not it at all.  Alvy's
	giving an award on television.  Gee, he
	talks like he's violating a moral issue
	sitting here.

		GIRL
	You're kidding?

		ALVY
	It's so phony, and we have to leave New
	York during Christmas week, which really
	kills me.

		MAN
		(Interrupting)
	Alvy, listen, while you're in California,
	could you possibly score some coke for me?

Annie laughs.

		ALVY
		(Over Annie's laughter)
	Sure, sure, I'll be glad to. I-I'll just
	put it in a-a-a h-h-hollow heel that I
	have in my boot, you know.
		(Alvy picks up the small open
		gold case of cocaine base the man
		placed on the coffee table and
		looks at it, reacting)
	H-h-how much is this stuff?

		MAN
	It's about two thousand dollars an ounce.

		ANNIE
	God.

		ALVY
		Really?  And what is the kick of it?
	Because I never ...

He puts his finger into the drug, smells it and then sneezes.  The powder
blows all over the room as the man, woman and Annie react silently.

						CUT TO:


CALIFORNIA. BEVERLY HILLS STREET-DAY

It's a warm, beautiful day.  Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's convertible are
moving past the spacious houses, the palm trees.  The sunlight reflects off
the car.  Annie, excited, is taking the whole place in.  Background voices
sing Christmas carols.

		VOICES
		(Singing)
	We wish you a Merry Christmas,
	We wish you a Merry Christmas,
	We wish you a Merry Christmas,
	And a -Happy New Year.

		ROB
		(Over the singing)
	I've never been so relaxed as I have
	been since I moved out here, Max.  I
	want you to see my house.  I live
	right next to Hugh Hefner's house, Max.
	He lets me use the Jacuzzi.  And the
	women, Max, they're like the women in
	Playboy magazine, only they can move
	their arms and legs.

		ANNIE
			(Laughing)
	You know, I can't get over that this is
	really Beverly Hills.

		VOICES
		(Singing)
	We wish you a Merry Christmas,
	And a Happy New Year.

		ALVY
	Yeah, the architecture is really consistent,
	isn't it?  French next to-

		VOICES
		(Singing over the dialogue)
	Oh, Christmas ... tree,
	Oh, Christmas tree,
	How bright and green
	Our ...

		ALVY
	-Spanish, next to Tudor, next to Japanese.

		ANNIE
	God, it's so clean out here.

		ALVY
	It's that they don't throw their garbage
	away.  They make it into television shows.

		ROB
	Aw, come on, Max, give us a break, will
	yuh?  It's Christmas.

Annie starts snapping pictures of the view.

		ALVY
	Can you believe this is Christmas here?

		VOICES
		(Singing)
	Oh Christmas tree,
	Oh Christmas tree ...

They pass a large house with spacious lawn.  Sitting on the lawn is a Santa
Claus complete with sleigh and reindeer.  Voices continue to sing Christmas
carols; Annie continues to take pictures.

		ANNIE
	You know, it was snowing-it was snowing
	and really gray in New York yesterday.

		ROB
	No kidding?

		ALVY
	Right-well, Santa Claus will have
	sunstroke.

		ROB
	Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.

		ALVY
	There's no economic crime, you know,
	but there's-there's ritual, religious-
	cult murders, you know, there's wheat-
	germ killers out here.

		ROB
	While you're out here, Max, I want you
	to see some of my TV show.  And we're
	invited to a big Christmas party.

They continue driving, now in a less residential area, passing a hot-dog stand.
"Tail-Pup" concession; people mill about eating hot dogs.

		VOICES
		(Singing, louder now)
	Remember Christ our Savior
	Was born on Christmas day
	To save us all ... from Satan's power
	As we were gone astray.

They pass a theater, the marquee announcing "House of Exorcism Messiah of Evil.
Rated R.  Starts at 7:15."

INT. TV CONTROL ROOM.

Several monitors line the wall in front of an elaborate console.  Rob and Alvy,
along with Charlie, the technician, stand in the small room watching the
screens showing Rob as a television star on a situation comedy.  They chatter,
analyzing the footage, over the sounds of the taped television comedy.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping the chatter)
	Oh.

		ROB
	Look, now, Charlie, give me a big
	laugh here.

		ROB ON TV SCREEN
	A limousine to the track breakdown?

		ROB
			(Watching)
	A little bigger.

TV monitors go black as the technician turns of the monitors to fix the laugh
track.

		ALVY
	Do you realize how immoral this all is?

		ROB
		Max, I've got a hit series.

		ALVY
	Yeah, I know; but you're adding fake
	laughs.

Technicians turn the monitors back on, showing Rob on the screen with another
character, Arnie.

		ARNIE
	Oh, I'm sorry.

		ROB ON TV SCREEN
	Arnie.

		ARNIE
	Yeah.

		ROB
		(Turning to the technician)
	Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie.

		ALVY
	Look, uh ...

Loud laughter from the TV monitors.

		ROB
		(To Alvy)
	We do the show live in front of an
	audience.

		ALVY
	Great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause
	your jokes aren't funny.

		ROB
	Yeah, well, that's why this machine
	is dynamite.

		ROB ON TV SCREEN
	You better lie down.  You've been in
	the sun too long.

		ROB
		(To the technician)
	Yeah ... uh, now give me a like a
	medium-size chuckle here ... and
	then a big hand.

The sounds of laughter and applause are heard from the TV.

		ALVY
		(Removing his glasses and
		rubbing his face)
	Is there booing on there?

The monitors show a woman on the screen.

		WOMAN
	We were just gonna fix you up with my
	cousin Dolores.

		ALVY
		(Overlapping the TV)
	Oh, Max, I don't feel well.

		ROB
	What's the matter?

		ALVY
	I don't know, I just got-I got very dizzy...
		(Coughing)
	I feel dizzy, Max.

		ROB
	Well, sit down.

		ALVY
		(Sitting down)
	Oh, Jesus.

		ROB
	You all right?

		ALVY
	I don't know, I mean, I-

		ROB
		(Crouching before Alvy, looking
		at him)
	You wanna lie down?

		ALVY
	No, no-my, you know, my stomach felt
	queasy all morning.  I just started
	getting ...

		ROB
	How about a ginger ale?

		ALVY
	Oh, Max ... no, I maybe I better lie
	down.

INT. HOTEL ROOM.

Alvy lies in bed, one elbow propped up, a doctor sitting next to him looking
concerned.  The doctor bolds out a plate of chicken; Alvy listlessly stares at
it. Annie, in the background, is on the phone.

		ANNIE
		(Talking into the phone)
	Yes.

		DOCTOR
		(Holding out the food)
	Why don't you just try to get a little
	of this down?  This is just plain chicken.

		ALVY
		(Taking a piece of chicken and
		holding it)
	Oh, oh, no, I can't-I can't eat this.
	I'm nauseous.
		(He gasps and makes sounds)
	If you could-if you could just give me
	something to get me through the next two
	hours, you know I-I have to go out to
	Burbank ... and give out an award on a
	TV show.

		ANNIE
		(On the phone, overlapping the
		doctor and Alvy)
	Well ... H-h huh ... Oh, good ... Yes,
	I'll tell him.

		DOCTOR
	Well, there's nothing wrong with you
	actually, so far as I can tell.  I mean,
	you have no fever, no ... no symptoms
	of anything serious.  You haven't been
	eating pork or shellfish.

Annie bangs up and moves over to Alvy.

		ANNIE
		(Sitting on the edge of the bed)
	Excuse me.  I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doctor.
	Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the show.  They
	said everything is fine.  They found a
	replacement, so they're going to tape
	without you.

		ALVY
		(Making sounds)
	I'm nauseous.
		(He sighs and gasps)
	Oh, jesus, now I don't get to do the
	TV show?

Reacting, Alvy puts up his band in disgust, then starts eating the piece of
chicken he has been holding.  The doctor and Annie watch him, reacting.

		ANNIE
		Yeah.  Listen, Doctor, I'm worried.

		DOCTOR
	Now, Mrs. Singer, I can't find anything --

		ALVY
	Christ!

		ANNIE
	Nothing at all?

		DOCTOR
	No, I think I can get a lab man up here.

		ALVY
		(Grabbing the rest of the chicken
		from the plate)
	Oh, jesus. Can I have the salt, please?

		ANNIE
	What do you mean?  Do you think he's-

		DOCTOR
		(Handing the salt to Alvy)
	Yes, excuse me.
		(To Annie)
	Perhaps it would be even better if we
	took him to the hospital for a day or two.

Alvy begins to eat.

		ANNIE
	Uh-huh ... Oh, hospital?

		DOCTOR
	Well, otherwise, there's no real way to
	tell what's going on.

		ALVY
		(Making sounds, gasping)
	This is not bad, actually.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET RESIDENTIAL AREA - DAY

Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's car pull into a long circular driveway as an
attendant walks over to the car.  A sprawling house is seen to the right; a
couple moves toward the front door, and the driveway is crowded with other
parked cars.  Loud music is heard.

		ALVY
		(Getting out of the car)
	Hey, don't tell me we're gonna hafta
	walk from the car to the house.  Geez,
	my feet haven't touched pavement since
	I reached Los Angeles.

INT. HOUSE

A Hollywood Christmas party is in session, complete with music, milling people,
circulating waiters bolding out trays of drinks.  It's all very casual. French
doors run the entire width of one wall; they are opened to the back lawn,
guests move from the room to outside and back in.  It is crowded; bits of
conversation and clinking glasses can be heard.  Two men, California-tanned,
stand by the French doors talking.

		1ST MAN
	Well, you take a meeting with him, I'll
	take a meeting with you if you'll take
	a meeting with Freddy.

		2ND MAN
	I took a meeting with Freddy.  Freddy
	took a meeting with Charlie.  You take
	a meeting with him.

		1ST MAN
	All the good meetings are taken.

						CUT TO:

FULL GROUP SHOT

A man stands talking, people in groups behind him.  Two born like gadgets are
attached to his shoulders; he's wearing a bizarre space costume.

		3RD MAN
	Right now it's only a notion, but I
	think I can get money to make it into
	a concept ... and later turn it into
	an idea.

						CUT TO:

Alvy and Rob stand near the French doors leading to the back lawn, eating and
drinking and watching the people walking in and out of the house.

		ROB
	You like this house, Max?

		ALVY
	M'hm.

		ROB
	I even brought a road map to get us to
	the bathroom.

		ALVY
	Whee, you shoulda told me it was Tony
	Lacey's party.

		ROB
	What difference does that make?

Alvy looks into the room, where Annie and Tony Lacey are having an animated
conversation.

ALVY
	I think he has a little thing for Annie.

		ROB
	Oh, no, no, that's bullshit, Max.  He
	goes with that girl over there.

		ALVY
	Where?

Rob nods his head toward a tall woman dressed all in white conversing with a
group of people close-by.

		ROB
	The one with the V.P.L.

		ALVY
	V.P.L.?

		ROB
	Visible panty line.  Max, she is gorgeous.

		ALVY
	Yeah, she's a ten, Max, and that's great
	for you because you're -you're used to
	twos, aren't you?

		ROB
	There are no twos, Max.

		ALVY
	Yeah, you're used to the kind with the-
	with the shopping bags walking through
	Central Park with the surgical masks
	on muttering.

		ROB
	M'hm.

		ALVY
	And ... uh-

		ROB
		(Interrupting)
	How do you like this couple, Max?

A couple moves over toward Rob and Alvy.  The man's arm is around the woman;
they stand very close.  In the background, Annie and Tony are still talking.

		ROB
	And I think they just came back from
	Masters and Johnson.

		ALVY
	Yeah, intensive care ward.
		(Watching the woman in white)
	My God-hey, Max, I think she's ... I
	think she's giving me the eye.

As Rob and Alvy observe the guests, the woman in white starts walking toward
them.

		ROB
	If she comes over here, Max, my brain
	is going to turn into guacamole.

		ALVY
		I'll handle it.  I'll handle it.  Hi.

		GIRL IN WHITE
	You're Alvy Singer, right?  Didn't
	we meet at EST?

		ALVY
		(Reacting)
	EST?  No, no, I was never to est.

		GIRL IN WHITE
	Then how can you criticize it?

		ALVY
	Oh.

		ROB
	Oh, he-he didn't say anything.

		ALVY
		(Laughing)
	No, no, I came out here to get some
	shock therapy, but there was an energy
	crisis, so I ... He's my-my food taster.
	Have you two met?

		ROB
		(Shaking his head)
	Hi.  How do you do.

		GIRL IN WHITE
	Do you taste to see if the food's poisoned?

		ALVY
		Yeah, he's crazy.

The girl in white laughs.

		ALVY
			(Looking at Rob and the girl)
	Hey, you guys are wearin' white. It must
	be in the stars.

		ROB
	Yeah.  Right.

		ALVY
	Uri Geller must be on the premises
	someplace.

		ROB
	We're gonna operate together.

Rob and the girl walk of together as the camera moves in on Tony and Annie
standing by the buffet table.

		TONY
	We just need about six weeks, in about
	six weeks we could cut a whole album.

		ANNIE
	I don't know, this is strange to me,
	you know.

		TONY
	just ... that's all you need.  You can
	come and stay here.

		ANNIE
	Oh.

		TONY
	There's a whole wing in this house.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Oh yeah, stay here?  U-huh.

		TONY
	You can have it to use.  Why-why are
	you smiling?

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	I don't know.  I don't know.

She picks up an hors doeuvre.

						CUT TO:

The two men still talking about meetings surrounded by other groups of people
milling about.

		1ST MAN
	Not only is he a great agent, but he
	really gives good meetings.

		2ND MAN
	M'mm.

Tony, band in band with the girl in white, is leaving the party room with Alvy
and Annie to show them the rest of the house.

		TONY
	This is a great house, really.  Everything.
	Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
	You know who the original owners were?
	Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond.  Then
	you know who lived here?

		ALVY
	Trigger.

Annie and the girl in white laugh.

		TONY
	Charlie Chaplin.

		ALVY
	Hey.

		TONY
	Right before his un-American thing.

They stop in a den-like screening room.  A man is slouched back on one of the
comfortable sofas that fill the room.  It is much quieter in here; a contrast
to the noise and crowd downstairs.

		ALVY
	Yeah, this place is great.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		TONY
	Uh, you guys are still-uh, you're still
	New Yorkers.

		ALVY
	Yeah, I love it there.

		ANNIE
		(Laughing)
	Yeah.

		TONY
	Well, I used to live there.  I used to
	live there for years.  You know, but
	it's gotten-it's so dirty now.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		ALVY
	I'm into garbage.  It's my thing.

		ANNIE
	Boy, this is really a nice screening
	room.  It's really a nice room.

		TONY
	Oh, and there's another thing about New
	York.  See ... you-you wanna see a movie,
	you have to stand in a long line.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		TONY
		It could be freezing, it could be raining.

		ANNIE
	Yeah.

		TONY
	And here, you just-

		GIRL IN WHITE
	We saw "Grand Illusion" here last night.

		ALVY AND ANNIE
		(In unison)
	Oh, yeah?

		MAN ON THE SOFA
		(Looking over his shoulder at
		the group)
	That's a great film if you're high.
		(The group laughs, looking down
		at the man on the sofa. He looks
		up at them, smiling, a joint in
		his hand, and offers them a cigarette)
	Hey, you.

		TONY
		(Shaking his head no)
	Come and see our bedroom.  We did a
	fantastic lighting job.  Okay?

		ANNIE
		Oh, good.  Okay.

		ALVY
	I'm cool.

Tony and the girl in white leave the room, Annie and Alvy following.

		ANNIE
		(Taking Alvy's arm)
	It's wonderful. I mean, you know they
	just watch movies all day.

		ALVY
	Yeah, and gradually you get old and die.
	You know it's important to make a little
	effort once in a while.

		ANNIE
	Don't you think his girl friend's
	beautiful?

		ALVY
	Yeah, she's got a great-lookin' fa- A
	pat on the androgynous side.  But it's...

They pass a man talking on the phone in the hallway.

		MAN ON THE PHONE
	Yeah, yeah.  I forgot my mantra.

As they come down stairs the party is still in big gear.  People are looser
now; conversations are more animated, some talk quietly in more intimate
corners, some couples are dancing.  Alvy stands alone sipping a drink near the
huge Christmas tree.  A tall woman, passing by, shakes his hand, then leaves.
He continues to sip his drink, alone, watching Tony and Annie in the center of
the room dancing.

The screen shows a plane in flight, Los Angeles far below, then:

						CUT TO:

AIRPLANE.  INT. AIRPLANE

Annie and Alvy sit, the stewardess behind them serving other passengers. Annie
stares out the window bolding a coffee cup; Alvy reads.  Both are preoccupied,
thinking their own thoughts.

		ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER
		(To herself)
	That was fun.  I don't think California
	is bad at all.  It's a drag coming home.

		ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
		(To himself)
	Lotta beautiful women.  It was fun
	to flirt.

		ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER
		(As she sips coffee)
	I have to face facts. I-I adore Alvy,
	but our relationship doesn't seem to
	work anymore.

		ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
		(An open magazine lies in
		his lap)
	I'll have the usual trouble with Annie
	in bed tonight.  Whatta I need this?

		ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER
	If only I had the nerve to break up,
	but it would really hurt him.

		ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
	If only I didn't feel guilty asking
	Annie to move out.  It'd probably
	wreck her.  But I should be honest.

He looks over at Annie.

		ANNIE
		(Looking back at Alvy)
	Alvy, uh, let's face it.  You know
	something, don't think our relationship
	is working.

		ALVY
	Tsch, I know.  A relationship, I think,
	is-is like a shark, you know?  It has
	to constantly move forward or it dies.
		(He sighs)
	And I think what we got on our hands
		(Clearing his throat)
	is a dead shark.

INT. ALVY'S LIVING ROOM-DAY

A lighted Christmas tree stands in the middle of boxes, books, and the general
disarray of packing and figuring out what belongs to whom as Alvy helps Annie
move out.

		ALVY
		(Holding up a book)
	Whose "Catcher in the Rye" is this?

		ANNIE
		(Walking into the room with an
		armload of books)
	Well, let's see now ... If it has my
	name on it, then I guess it's mine.

		ALVY
		(Reacting)
	Oh, it sure has ... You know, you wrote
	your name in all my books, 'cause you
	knew this day was gonna come.

		ANNIE
		(Putting down the books and
		flipping back her hair)
	Well, uh, Alvy, you wanted to break up
	just as much as I do.

		ALVY
		(Riffling through the books)
	There's no-no question in my mind.  I
	think we're doing the mature thing,
	without any doubt.

		ANNIE
		(Holding a framed picture and
		moving about)
	Now, look, all the books on death and
	dying are yours and all the poetry books
	are mine.

		ALVY
		(Looking down at a book)
	This "Denial of Death".  You remember this?

		ANNIE
	Oh-

		ALVY
	This is the first book that I got you.

Annie goes over to Alvy.  They both look down at the book; the fireplace,
burning nicely, is behind them.

		ANNIE
	-God.

		ALVY
	Remember that day?

		ANNIE
	Right.  Geez, I feel like there's a
	great weight off my back.  M'mmm.

		ALVY
	Thanks, honey.

		ANNIE
		(Patting Alvy's shoulder)
	Oh, no, no, no, no, no.  I mean, you
	know, no, no, no, I mean, I think it's
	really important for us to explore new
	relationships and stuff like that.

She walks away.

		ALVY
	There's no-there's no question about
	that, 'cause we've given this ... uh,
	uh, I think a more than fair shot,
	you know?

He tosses the book into the carton.

		ANNIE
		(Off screen)
	Yeah, my analyst thinks this move is
	keen for me.

		ALVY
		(Off screen)
	Yeah, and I-I tru-  you know, I trust
	her, because my-my analyst recommended
	her.

		ANNIE
		(Walking in with another
		armload of books)
	Well, why should I put you through all
	my moods and hang-ups anyway?

		ALVY
	Right.  And you-and you know what the
	beauty part is?

		ANNIE
	What?

		ALVY
		(Holding a small box of buttons)
	We can always come back together again.
	Because there's no-there's no problem.
	'Cause ... Right.

		ANNIE
		(Overlapping)
	Exactly, but ... exactly.  Ooooh!

		ALVY
	You know, I-I-I don't think many couples
	could handle this.  You know, they could
	just break up and remain friends.

		ANNIE
		(Taking a button from a box)
	Hey, this one's mine, this button.
	This one, you rem-

		ALVY
		(Interrupting)
	Yeah.

		ANNIE
	I guess these are all yours.  Impeach, uh,
	Eisenhower ... Impeach Nixon ... Impeach
	Lyndon Johnson ... Impeach Ronald Reagan.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET-DAY

People milling about on the sidewalk as Alvy walks out of a store and moves
toward the foreground.

		ALVY
		(Into the camera, to the audience)
	I miss Annie.  I made a terrible
	mistake.

A couple, walking down the street, stops as the man talks to Alvy.

		MAN ON THE STREET
	She's living in Los Angeles with
	Tony Lacey.

		ALVY
	Oh, yeah?  Well, if she is, then the
	hell with her!  If she likes that
	lifestyle, let her live there!  He's
	a jerk, for one thing.

		MAN ON THE STREET
	He graduated Harvard.

		ALVY
		Yeah. He may- Listen, Harvard makes
	mistakes too, you know.  Kissinger
	taught there.

The couple strolls away as an older woman walks up to Alvy while others walk by.

		OLD WOMAN
	Don't tell me you're jealous?

		ALVY
	Yeah, jealous. A little bit like Medea.
	Lemme, lemme-can I show you something,
	lady?
		(He takes a small item from his
		pocket to show the woman)
	What I have here ... I found this in the
	apartment.  Black soap.  She used to wash
	her face eight hundred times a day with
	black soap. Don't ask me why.

		OLD WOMAN
	Well, why don't you go out with other
	women?

		ALVY
	Well, I-I tried, but it's, uh, you know,
	it's very depressing.

RECENT FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S COUNTRY KITCHEN

Alvy's arms and legs fill the screen as he slowly gets up from the floor
bolding up a live lobster.  He puts it on a grill tray.

		ALVY
		(Pointing to the lobster)
	This always happens to me.  Quick, g-go
	get a broom.

His date, a girl wearing short shorts, leans against the sink and lights a
cigarette.  She makes no move to help.

		GIRL DATE
		(Smoking)
	What are you making such a big deal about?
		(As she talks, the lobster drops
		from the tray to the floor.  Alvy
		jumps away, then gingerly scrapes
		the tray toward the lobster)
	They're only lobsters.  Look, you're a
	grown man, you know how to pick up a
	lobster.

		ALVY
		(Looking up in stooped-over
		position)
	I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.

		GIRL DATE
		(Still leaning against the sink,
		her hand on her hip)
	Oh, when'd you quit smoking?

He gets up of the floor with the lobster on the tray.

		ALVY
	Sixteen years ago.

		GIRL DATE
		(Puzzled)
	Whatta you mean?

		ALVY
		(Mocking)
	Mean?

		GIRL DATE
	You stopped smoking sixteen years ago,
	is that what you said?  Oh, I-I don't
	understand.  Are you joking, or what?

						CUT TO:

A solitary Alvy walking along the FDR Drive where he had walked with Annie. -
The New York skyline is still in the background, the sea gulls go by, the fog
horn blows.  He walks slowly, moving off screen.

INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Alvy sits on his bed talking on the phone.

		ALVY
	Listen, honey, Central Park's turning
	green ... Yeah, I sa-I saw that lunatic
	that we-where we used to see ... with
	the, uh, uh, pinwheel hat and, you know,
	and the roller skates? . . . Listen,
	I-I want you to come back here ... Well,
	I-I-then I'm gonna come out there and
	getcha.

						CUT TO:

An airborne plane.

						CUT TO:

EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT.

People milling about as Alvy, in the outside phone-booth center, talks.

		ALVY
	Whatta you mean, where am I? Where do-
	where do you think I am?  I'm-I'm out
	... I'm at the Los Angeles Airport.
	I flew in ...
		(Sniffling)
	Tsch, I-well, I flew in to see you ...
		(Muttering)
	Hey, listen, can we not debate this
	on-on the telephone because I'm, you
	know, I-I feel that I got a temperature
	and I'm-I'm getting my-my chronic Los
	Angeles nausea. I-I don't feel so good.

Alvy's conversation is still heard as the screen shows him behind the wheel of
a car on a busy street; he causes a near-accident by jerking the car too slowly
toward an intersection.

		ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
	Well, where-wherever you wanna meet, I
	don't care.  I'll-I'll drive in.  I
	rented a car I'm driving ... that ...
	Whatta you mean?  What-why is that such
	a miracle?  I'm driving myself --

EXT. OUTDOOR CAF_ - DAY

People sit at umbrellaed tables with checkered tablecloths at a Sunset
Boulevard outdoor cafe.  Street traffic goes by while they dine.  There's a
mild California breeze.  The restaurant is somewhat crowded as Alvy makes his
way around the tables looking about.  He finally sits down at an empty table;
nearby sits a woman with a younger man.  A waitress brings Alvy a menu and
waits for his order.

		ALVY
		(To the waitress)
	I'm gonna...I'm gonna have the alfalfa
	sprouts and, uh, a plate of mashed yeast.

Annie, wearing a flowered dress and wide hat, moves into view.  Alvy,
noticing her, watches as she walks over to his table.  He rises and they shake
hands.

		ANNIE
	Hi.

Alvy wipes at his nose as he stares.  He smiles, the street traffic moving
behind him. Annie smiles back.

		ALVY
	You look very pretty.

		ANNIE
	Oh, no, I just lost a little weight,
	that's all.
		(Alvy adjusts his glasses, not
		exactly knowing where to start;
		a bit uneasy)
	Well, you look nice.

		ALVY
		(Nodding his head)
	You see, I-I've been thinking about it
	and I think that we should get married.

		ANNIE
		(Adjusting her sunglasses)
	Oh, Alvy, come on.

		ALVY
	Why?  You wanna live out here all year?
	It's like living in Munchkin Land.

		ANNIE
		(Looking around)
	Well, whatta you mean?  I mean, it's
	perfectly fine out here.  I mean, Tony's
	very nice and, uh, well, I meet people
	and I go to parties and-and we play tennis.
	I mean, that's ... that's a very big step
	for me, you know?  I mean ...
		(Reacting, Alvy looks down at
		his hands, then up)
	I'm able to enjoy people more.

		ALVY
		(Sadly)
	So whatta you ... You're not gonna come
	back to New York?

		ANNIE
		(Smiling)
	What's so great about New York?  I mean,
	it's a dying city.  You read "Death in
	Venice."

		ALVY
	Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice"
	till I bought it for yuh.

		ANNIE
	That's right, that's right.
		(Still smiling)
	You only gave me books with the word
	"death" in the titles.

		ALVY
		(Nodding his head and gesturing)
	That's right, 'cause it's an important
	issue.

		ANNIE
	Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life,
	you know that?  I mean, your life is New
	York City.  You're just this person.
	You're like this island unto yourself.

		ALVY
		(Toying with his car keys)
	I can't enjoy anything unless I ... unless
	everybody is.  I-you know, if one guy is
	starving someplace, that's ... you know,
	I-I ... it puts a crimp in my evening.
		(Looking down at his hands, sadly)
	So wanna get married or what?

		ANNIE
		(Seriously)
	No. We're friends.  I wanna remain friends.

		ALVY
		(In disbelief)
	Okay.
		(Louder, to the waitress)
	Check, please.  Can I -can I ...
	Can I ... Can I ...

		ANNIE
		(Interrupting)
	You're mad, aren't you?

		ALVY
		(Shaking his head)
	No.
		(Then nodding)
	Yes, of course I'm mad, because you
	love me, I know that.

		ANNIE
	Alvy, I can't say that that's true at
	this point in my life.  I really just
	can't say that that's true.  I mean,
	you know how wonderful you are.  I
	mean, you know ... you're the reason
	that I got outta my room and that I
	was able to sing, and-and-and, you know,
	get more in touch with my feelings and
	all that crap.  Anyway, look, I don't
	wanna- Listen, listen, listen, uh
		(Laughing)
	h'h, so whatta you up to anyway, huh?

		ALVY
		(Shrugging his shoulders)
	The usual, you know. Uh, tryin't'write.
	I'm workin' on a play.
		(Sighing)
	Jesus.  So whatta yuh saying?  That
	you're not comin' back to New York with
	me?

He nods his head in disbelief.

		ANNIE
		(Nodding)
	No!
		(Pauses)
	Look, I gotta go.

She starts to rise.

		ALVY
	You mean that ...
		(He gets up and starts following
		her past diners at other tables)
	I-I-I-I flew three thousand miles to
	see you.

		ANNIE
	I'm late.

		ALVY
	Air miles, you know.  I mean, you
	know what that does to my stomach?

They move down the steps of the cafe' toward the parking lot.

		ANNIE
	If you must know, it's a hectic time
	for Tony.  The Grammys are tonight.

		ALVY
	The what?

		ANNIE
	The Grammys.  He's got a lotta records
	up for awards.

		ALVY
	You mean they give awards for that
	kind o' music?

		ANNIE
		Oh!

		ALVY
	I thought just earplugs.

Annie gets into her car.  Alvy moves over to his rented convertible.

		ANNIE
	Just forget it, Alvy, okay?  Let's
	just forget the conversation.

She closes the door, starts the motor.

		ALVY
		(Yelling after her)
	Awards! They do nothing but give out
	awards!  I can't believe it.  Greatest,
	greatest fascist dictator, Adolf Hitler!

Annie drives away. Alvy gets behind the wheel, starts the motor. Putting the
car in gear, he inadvertently moves forward, hitting a bunch of trash cans with
a loud crash. Putting the car in reverse, Alvy notices a beige car that has
just turned into the parking lot. For a brief moment, the screen shows a
flashback of the bumper-car ride at the Brooklyn amusement park.  Alvy's father
is on the Platform directing traffic; young Alvy is in a small car bumping
others right and left.  Alvy, hack in the parking lot, backs up his convertible,
purposefully smashing the side of the beige car as another flashback of bumper-
car ride appears, this time-as, Alvy's father directs traffic-a Marine in a
small car bits the back end of a soldier's car, and Alvy, back in the parking
lot, moves his car over to another parked car and bits it full force.

Another flashback appears. people in the small cars really racing around the
track now, bumping into one another over and over again, Alvy's father
directing the flow, as the film cuts back to the parking lot, where Alvy
reverses the convertible and rams it into the front end of yet another car.

He sits behind the wheel as people rush out of various cars and as sirens
start blaring, coming closer and closer, stopping finally as a motorcycle cop
gets off beside Alvy's car and walks over to him.

		ALVY
		(Getting out of the car)
	Officer, I know what you're gonna say.
	I'm-I'm not a great driver, you know,
	I-I have some problems with-with-with-

		OFFICER
		(Interrupting)
	May I see your license, please?

		ALVY
	Sure.
		(Searching, he finally fishes
		his license out of his pocket)
	just don't-don't get angry, you know
	what I mean?  'Cause I-I have - I have
	my-my license here.  You know, it's a
	rented car.  And I've ...

He drops the license and it falls to the ground.

		OFFICER
		Don't give me your life story
		(Looking at the piece of paper
		on the ground)
	-just pick up the license.

		ALVY
	Pick up the license.  You have to ask
	nicely 'cause I've had an extremely
	rough day.  You know, my girl friend-

		OFFICER
		(Interrupting)
	Just give me the license, please.

		ALVY
	Since you put it that way.
		(He laughs)
	It's hard for me to refuse.
		(He leans over, picks up the
		license, then proceeds to rip
		it up.  He lets the pieces go;
		they float to the ground)
	... have a, I have a terrific problem
	with authority, you know.  I'm... it's
	not your fault.  Don't take it personal.

						CUT TO:

INT. JAIL-CELLS CORRIDOR.

A guard moves down the ball to the cell where, Alvy stands with other inmates.
He unlocks the door and opens it, letting Alvy out.

		ALVY
	So long, fellas.  Keep in touch.

He walks down the corridor off screen.

EXT. A STREET IN FRONT OF THE COURT HOUSE - DAY

Policemen are walking up and down the courthouse steps as Alvy and Rob move
out the door of the building, down the steps to the street.

		ROB
	Imagine my surprise when I got your
	call, Max.

		ALVY
		(Carrying his jacket over his
		shoulder)
	Yeah.  I had the feeling that I got
	you at a bad moment.  You know, I heard
	high-pitched squealing.

They walk over to Rob's convertible and get in.

		ROB
		(Starting the car)
	Twins, Max.  Sixteen-year-olds.  Can you
	imagine the mathematical possibilities?

		ALVY
		(Reacting)
	You're an actor, Max.  You should be
	doing Shakespeare in the Park.

		ROB
	Oh, I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max.
	I got mugged.  I was playing Richard the
	Second and two guys with leather jackets
	stole my leotard.

He puts on an elaborate helmet and goggles.

		ALVY
		(Looking at Rob's helmet)
	Max, are we driving through plutonium?

		ROB
	Keeps out the alpha rays, Max.  You
	don't get old.

						CUT TO:

INT. REHEARSAL HALL OF A THEATER.

An actor and actress sit on hard wooden chairs in a sparse rehearsal ball.
They face each other.  The actress resembles Annie; the actor, Alvy.

		ACTOR
	You're a thinking person.  How can you
	choose this lifestyle?

		ACTRESS
	What is so incredibly great about New
	York?  It's a dying city!  You-you read
	"Death in Venice".

		ACTOR
	You didn't read "Death in Venice" till
	I gave it to you!

		ACTRESS
	Well, you only give me books with the
	word "death" in the title.

The camera pulls back, showing Alvy sitting with two men at a table set up
near the actors.  A mirror, running the whole width of the wall, reflects the
two actors, a script lying on the table between them.  It is obvious now that
they are rehearsing a scene that Alvy wrote.

		ACTOR
		(In mirrored reflection)
	It's an important issue.

		ACTRESS
		(In mirrored reflection)
	Alvy, you are totally incapable of
	enjoying life.

The camera moves back to actual actor and actress.

		ACTRESS
	You're like New York.  You're an island.

		ACTOR
		(Rising with emotion)
	Okay, if that's all that we've been
	through together means to you, I guess
	it's better if we just said goodbye,
	once and for all!  You know, it's funny,
	after all the serious talks and passionate
	moments that it ends here ... in a health
	-food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
	Goodbye, Sunny.

The actor begins to leave as the actress jumps up from her chair.

		ACTRESS
	Wait!  I'm-I'm gonna ... go with you.
		(The actor comes back. They embrace)
	I love you.

The camera cuts to Alvy, who turns and looks straight into the camera.

		ALVY
		(To the audience, gesturing)
	Tsch, whatta you want?  It was my first
	play.  You know, you know how you're
	always tryin' t' get things to come out
	perfect in art because, uh, it's real
	difficult in life.  Interestingly, however,
	I did run into Annie again.  It was on the
	Upper West Side of Manhattan.

Annie, singing "Seems Like Old Times, " overlaps Alvy's speech and continues
over the next scene, where Alvy, standing in front of a Manhattan theater,
shakes hands with Annie and her escort.  The theater marquee reads "OPHULS
PRIZE FILM: 'THE SORROW AND THE PITY'."

		ALVY'S VOICE
		(Over the theater scene and,
		Annie's singing)
	She had moved back to New York.  She was
	living in SoHo with some guy.
		(Laughing)
	And when I met her she was, of all things,
	dragging him in to see "The Sorrow and the
	Pity."  Which I counted as a personal
	triumph.  Annie and I ...
		(Alvy's voice continues over the
		scene shot through a window of
		Manhattan cafe showing Alvy and
		Annie sitting at a table, laughing
		and enjoying themselves)
	... we had lunch sometime after that, and,
	uh, just, uh, kicked around old times.

A series of flashbacks following in quick succession while Annie continues to
sing:

Annie and Alvy going up the FDR Drive, the day they met playing tennis, Annie
driving, Alvy bolding up partially eaten sandwich.

Annie and Alvy in the Hamptons house kitchen, Annie banding a live lobster to
Alvy, who drops it in the pot on the stove.

Annie and Alvy walking side by side by the shoreline.

Alvy at the tennis club, packing his bag, as he looks over his shoulder and
sees Annie, hands on her face, then clapping, as she offers him a ride home
in her car.

Annie opening the door to Alvy the night he came over to kill the spider; Annie
and, Alvy in the bookstore buying the "Death" titles; Annie and, Alvy in
their Hamptons house, Annie reading a school catalogue, the night Alvy puts
in the red light.

The memories continue to flash on the screen: Annie and Alvy at a friend's
house, Alvy blowing the cocaine all over the sofa; Annie and Alvy playing
tennis; Annie and Alvy having a picture taken backstage at the college
performance in Annie's hometown; Alvy bolding Annie close, the night he came
over to kill the spider.

And continue: Annie carrying her luggage and clothes into Alvy's bedroom, Alvy
following, the day she first moved into his apartment.  Annie holding up her
sexy birthday present from Alvy, then leaning over and kissing him; Annie and
Alvy walking down a city street, holding each other close; sitting on the park
bench, observing the people; and kissing, on the FDR Drive, the New York City
skyline behind them.
The music stops.

Returning to the present, the camera, focusing through the cafe window, shows
Annie and Alvy across street.  They look about at the city traffic.  Lunch is
over; it's time.

Alvy and Annie shake hands and kiss each other friendly like.  Annie crosses
the street, Alvy watching her go.  Then he turns, and slowly walks down the
street off screen.  His voice is heard over the scene:

		ALVY'S VOICE-OVER
	After that it got pretty late.  And we
	both hadda go, but it was great seeing
	Annie again, right?  I realized what a
	terrific person she was and-and how much
	fun it was just knowing her and I-I
	thought of that old joke, you know, this-
	this-this guy goes to a psychiatrist and
	says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy.  He
	thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the
	doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn
	him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but
	I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's
	pretty much how how I feet about
	relationships.  You know, they're totally
	irrational and crazy and absurd and ...
	but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it
	because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

THE END
DISSOLVES INTO:
BLACK BACKGROUND;
credits popping on and off in white.
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