Ghost World (2001)

by Daniel Clowes (based upon his comic book) and Terry Zwigoff

OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE - EVENING

We MOVE through the city in a series of brief shots that
define and establish our setting, from commercial district to
residential neighborhood. Eventually we find ourselves moving
down a street of two-story apartment buildings. Many of the
windows are lit from within by an EERIE BLUE LIGHT. As we
track past at window-level we see:

A glum, sedated-looking COUPLE watching TV. An ignored
TODDLER runs amok behind them as a cheery commercial plays..

An empty room...

A large, hirsute MAN, wearing only Lycra jogging shorts,
watching the Home Shopping Network while eating mashed
potatoes with his fingers...

A dazed old woman staring out the window.

The silhouette of a TEENAGE GIRL dancing by herself.

We enter her room and see the TV SCREEN. The source of the
THEME MUSIC is A VIDEO of an insane East Indian production
number from the 1960's. The room is cluttered with heaps of
clothes, old records, odd knick-knacks. We see her
silhouetted back as she dances along to the video while
trying on a GRADUATION CAP AND GOWN.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION - AFTERNOON NEXT DAY.

A modern high school auditorium. Over the entrance a banner
with a "Coca Cola" logo reads: "GRADUATION TODAY 2 PM."

INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - SAME DAY

A graduation ceremony is in progress. We DOLLY PAST the bland
faces of teary-eyed graduates until we stop on ENID. At
first, we only see the top of her mortarboard; as she lifts
her head we see that she's trying desperately not to laugh.
She makes eye-contact with REBECCA, another graduate, who is
also trying to stifle her laughter. The SPEAKER is in an
elaborate wheelchair with severe-looking traction devices.

		SPEAKER
	High school is like the training
	wheels for the bicycle of real
	life. It is a time for young people
	to explore different fields of
	interest and to hopefully grow from
	their experiences.
	After all, that which we learn from
	our mistakes can be as valuable as
	what we learn from our textbooks,
	and often we can turn the negative
	experiences that are common to all
	high-schoolers into positive steps
	toward personal growth and
	achievement. In coming to terms
	with my own personal setback, which
	I'm sure you've all heard about,
	I've been able to learn a lot about
	myself. I've learned f or one thing
	that I don't need to rely on drugs
	and alcohol
		(APPLAUSE)
	and that I'm very lucky-that more
	people besides Carrie and myself
	weren't hurt in the accident; I've
	learned that I'm blessed with
	wonderful parents, teachers and
	above all the best classmates in
	the world -- I love each and every
	one of you guys!!
		(APPLAUSE)
	and I've learned that to get
	through life,'s obstacles you need
	faith, hope and, most of all, a
	sense of humor.
		(BIG APPLAUSE)

A trio of TEENAGE GIRLS (one white, one Asian, one black)
come running out from the wings and start dancing and
rapping. The audience loves them.

		EBONY
	No more eduCATION...

		VANILLA
	It's time for celeBRATION...

		JADE
	'cause this is the day of our high
	school GraduATION...

		EBONY
	We've stayed for the durATION...

		VANILLA
	Achieved matricuLATION...

		JADE
	Now we're the newest members of the
	general popuLATION...

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATE AFTERNOON

The auditorium door opens and GRADUATES emerge. Enid &
Rebecca run away from the crowd, triumphantly holding rolled
up diplomas. They run toward the school playground, nearly
bursting with excitement over their long-awaited release.

Enid stops and looks back at the school. She gives it THE
FINGER. They sit on a see-saw, out of breath.

		ENID
	God, what a bunch of retards...

		REBECCA
	I thought Chipmunk-face was never
	going to shut up.

		ENID
	I know, I liked her better when she
	was an alcoholic crack addict! She
	gets in one car wreck and all of a
	sudden she's Little Miss Perfect
	and everybody loves her.

		REBECCA
	It's totally sickening.
		(she unrolls her DIPLOMA)
	Let's see if they gave me the right
	diploma...

Enid opens hers. Instead of a diploma, it's an OFFICIAL
LOOKING DOCUMENT with a pink Post-It note on the front page.

		ENID
	What? ... Oh suck my fucking dick!

		REBECCA
	What?

		ENID
	These assholes are saying that I
	have to go to Summer school and
	take some stupid art class!

		REBECCA
	Why?

		ENID
	Remember that stupid hippie art
	teacher who failed me sophomore
	year?
	I didn't think that just because
	you get an "F" that means you have
	to take the class over again.

		REBECCA
	You loser.

EXT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING

The sign reads "Welcome Graduates".

INT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING

Party in progress in the "Gold Room". A band plays TOP-40
"lite" rock

		REBECCA
		(watching band)
	This is so bad, it's almost good.

		ENID
	This is so bad it's gone past good
	and back to bad again...

CLOSE-UP ON ENID, we see the party from her POV: The six or
seven MOST POPULAR STUDENTS huddle closely together.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Just think, we'll never have to see
	any of these creepy faces ever
	again.

		REBECCA
	Unless they're in your Summer
	school class!

		ENID
	Shut up!

		REBECCA
	Uh oh... don't turn around...

		ENID
	What? Why?

		REBECCA
	Forget it...

MELORRA, an ambitious, incessantly upbeat classmate,
approaches them.

		MELORRA
	Oh my God, you guys! I can't
	believe we made it!

		ENID
	Yeah, we graduated high school --
	how totally amazing.

		MELORRA
	So what are you guys doing this
	Summer?

		ENID
	Nothing.

		MELORRA
	I,m going to be in this actor's
	workshop, and I'm hoping to start
	going on auditions soon. I'm so
	excited to finally have some free
	time. We have to get together this
	summer!

		ENID
	Oh yeah, that'll definitely
	happen...

		MELORRA
		(spotting better people to
		 talk to)
	Well, bye you guys...
	CONGRATULATIONS!

Melorra leaves.

		ENID
	Since when is she an "actress"?

		REBECCA
	I know, she needs to die
	immediately.

TODD, a friendly but slightly below-average-looking guy,
approaches from behind.

		TODD
	Hey Rebecca!

		REBECCA
	Oh... hi...

		TODD
		(pause)
	So... we finally --

		ENID
	What about me? Am I not even here?

		TODD
	Oh, hey Enid...
		(starting over)
	So... we finally made it!

		REBECCA
	Yep.

		TODD
		(awkward pause)
	So... where are you going to
	college?

		ENID
		(before Rebecca can
		 answer)
	We're not.

		TODD
	Really? Both of you?... Why not?

		ENID
	Just because.

		REBECCA
	We have other plans.

		TODD
	I guess I should have figured that
	you two would do something
	different.

		ENID
	What are you going to be when you
	grow up, Todd?

		TODD
	Well I'm going to major in Business
	Administration and, I think, minor
	in Communications.

		ENID
	See, that's exactly the kind of
	thing we're trying to avoid.
		(pause)

Todd starts to talk again but Enid has noticed something off
to the side.

		TODD
	So... I --

Enid grabs Rebecca and turns her away from Todd before he can
finish his sentence.

		ENID
	Oh my god, look! Is Stacy Himmler
	going out with Rod Harbaugh?

		REBECCA
	How perfect.

		ENID
	He better watch out or he'll get
	AIDS when he date-rapes her.

Todd, forgotten, walks away. The singer wails a sappy,
maudlin ballad. Enid spots DENNIS, the class loser, wandering
around by himself.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	God, just think, we'll never see
	Dennis again.

		REBECCA
	Good.

		ENID
	God, think about that... that's
	actually totally depressing.

INT. THE QUALITY CAFE - DAY

The QUALITY CAFE is Enid and Rebecca' s hangout. A 50-ISH MAN
with shaved head, and his VAGUELY DIABOLICAL WIFE sit eating
lunch. Enid is drawing a picture of them in her sketchbook
when Rebecca arrives.

		REBECCA
	Hi.

		ENID
	Look at these people behind you.
	I'm totally convinced they're
	Satanists.

		REBECCA
	Why?

		ENID
	Just look at them!

REBECCA turns and makes eye contact with MR. SATANIST. She
calmly turns back to face Enid before cracking up.

		REBECCA
	So, when are we going to start
	looking for our apartment?

		ENID
	Soon... I have to wait and see how
	this Summer class goes.

		REBECCA
	Did you sign up yet?

		ENID
	Yeah, I just picked the one that
	sounded the easiest.

		REBECCA
	God, it's so weird that we're
	finally out of high school... We've
	been waiting for this our whole
	life! Now we can get our own
	apartment and do anything we want.
	It's such a weird feeling.

		ENID
	I know, it hasn't really hit me
	yet.

Enter JOHN ELLIS, an obnoxious young man with a perpetual
smirk.

		JOHN
	Well, if it isn't Enid and Rebecca,
	the little Jewish girl and her
	Aryan friend.

		ENID
	You're late, asshole.

		JOHN
	Fine, and how are you?

		ENID
	Did you bring that tape?

He puts a videotape on the table, just out of reach.

		JOHN
	You never paid me for that tape
	with the Indian dance routine.

		ENID
	I did too!

		JOHN
	Tsk! You Jews are so clever with
	money...

		ENID
	Fuck you, you stupid redneck hick!

		REBECCA
	Hey, look, the satanists are
	leaving!

		ENID
	We should follow them!

As the SATANISTS walk outside, they open umbrellas, even
though it's a bright, sunny day.

		REBECCA
	Totally... Oh my God, look!

The girls get up to follow them. Enid grabs the videotape.

		ENID
		(to John)
	Thanks for the tape - I'll have to
	pay you later, I'm broke.

		JOHN
	Hey, where are you going?

		ENID
	Later, "Dude".

		REBECCA
	Much later.

		ENID
	In fact, never.

EXT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY

Under harsh, glaring sunshine, the girls follow a half-block
behind the SATANISTS.

		REBECCA
	What do you do if you're a
	satanist, anyway?

		ENID
	You know, sacrifice virgins and
	stuff...

		REBECCA
	That lets us off the hook.

EXT. ACROSS FROM WOWSVILLE - TEN MINUTES HAVE PASSED

The SATANISTS continue slowly along with Enid & Rebecca still
following.

		ENID
	Maybe there's some weird secret
	satanic society that meets at the
	Quality Cafe and all of the other
	regular customers are in on it
	except for us.

		REBECCA
	Or maybe not.

		ENID
	Maybe they're slowly poisoning us
	or they're planning to brainwash us
	and --

		REBECCA
	Okay, okay!

EXT. WOWSVILLE DINER - CONTINUOUS

		ENID
	Hey, look at this...

Enid points at the mini-mall in front of them. A new
restaurant - we see their banner: "GRAND OPENING. WOWSVILLE -
THE AUTHENTIC 50'S DINER".

		ENID (CONT'D)
	"Authentic 50's diner"? Since when
	were there mini-malls in the
	1950's?

		REBECCA
	God, it's so totally pathetic.

INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - DAY

They're in a booth looking at menus. It's a less accurate
version of "Johnny Rockets". A golden oldie from the 80's
plays on the jukebox.

		REBECCA
	Who can forget this great hit from
	the 50's?

		ENID
	I feel as though I've stepped into
	a time warp!

The WAITER approaches. He has an ostentatious 70's-style
perm.

		REBECCA
	Check out the awesome "fifties"
	hairdo on the waiter.

		WAITER
	Hi, my name is Allen, and I'll be
	your waiter this afternoon.

		ENID
	Hi, Al!

		REBECCA
	Can we call you "Weird Al"?

		WAITER
	Heh heh. Our specials today are
	pasta Vasilio, which is a pasta
	salad with a light basil
	vinaigrette--

		ENID
	That was a popular dish in the
	50's, huh Weird Al?

		AL
	I imagine so! Also, we have a
	spinach tortellini in a ricotta
	sauce. Both of those are $6.95...
	shall I give you a few minutes to
	mull it over?

		ENID
	I just want an order of onion
	rings.

		REBECCA
	I might actually get the pasta
	special.

		ENID
	You loser!

		AL
	Pasta special and an order of onion
	rings. Very good.

Al leaves.

		ENID
	Did you notice all those weird
	things on the menu? Like "The Salad
	Explosion"?

		REBECCA
	I know... and instead of "dessert"
	it says "Mindbenders."

		ENID
	What does that even mean?

INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - TEN MINUTES LATER

Enid spots an abandoned newspaper, THE FREE WEEKLY, on the
adjoining table.

		REBECCA
	Check out the Personals... maybe
	our future husbands are trying to
	contact us.

		ENID
	God, this paper is so boring. Who
	reads all this shit?
		(flips through it until
		 she gets to the
		 Personals)
	Here we go...
		(reading)
	"Windsurfing Doctor, Mensan IQ,
	maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the
	clubs, make each other laugh!"

		REBECCA
	You can have that one.

		ENID
	Okay, well here's yours...
		(reading)
	"Who said all the most eligible
	bachelors are taken? Not this one!
	Stunning bod, very snugglelicious
	ocean sunset dreamer."

		REBECCA
	Gross.

Al returns with their food.

		AL
	Can I get you ladies anything else,
	or are you all set?

		ENID
	Later I might be interested in one
	of those far-out "mindbenders."

Al leaves. Enid goes back to the paper.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Jesus! Listen to this one: "Do you
	remember me? Airport shuttle, June
	7th. You: striking redhead with
	yellow dress, pearl necklace, brown
	shoes. I was the bookish fellow in
	the green cardigan who helped you
	find your contact lens. Am I crazy,
	or did we have a moment?"

		REBECCA
	God, that's so pathetic. I bet she
	didn't even notice him.

		ENID
	I know. And he's like psychotically
	obsessing over every little detail.

		REBECCA
	We should call him and pretend to
	be the redhead.

		ENID
	Oh, we totally have to.

Enid tears out the ad and puts it in her sketchbook.

CU of sketchbook.

INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Enid and Rebecca sit with Rebecca's grandmother OOMIE in her
living room. They eat TV dinners while watching Oomie's
favorite TV SHOW, which we hear but don't see.

		NASAL-VOICED GIRL (V.O.)
	So what happened next, Donna?

		DONNA (DUMB BLONDE'S V.O.)
	Then I told him he'd better take
	out his hose and pump me!

		NASAL-VOICED GIRL/ANOTHER GIRL (V.O.)
	Don-na?!

		DONNA (V.O.)
	You guys! My car was out of gas!

LAUGH TRACK. Enid leans toward Rebecca.

		ENID
		(whispers)
	Does Oomie really like this show?

		REBECCA
		(whispers)
	Isn't it weird? It's her favorite.

		OOMIE
	Girls! Shh!

Enid and Rebecca exit.

INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING

Rebecca looks through Enid's sketchbook while Enid fiddles
with the remote, fast-forwarding through a tape in the VCR.

		REBECCA
	So what should we do?

		ENID
	Wait... I just want to see what's
	on this tape.

		REBECCA
	What is this?

		ENID
	I dunno. John Ellis always puts on
	all this sick stuff that I have to
	fast-forward past to get to the
	good stuff there's supposed to be a
	Don Knotts movie on here someplace.

Sound of FAST-FORWARDING. Rebecca glances up from the
sketchbook.

		REBECCA
	Wait, what is that?

Enid stops fast-forwarding. We don't see the screen but we
hear weird sounds like BOOTS WALKING THROUGH DEEP MUD.

		ENID & REBECCA
	EEEEWWWW!

Enid lurches forward to avert her gaze. She clicks of f the
VCR, but leaves the TV on. She notices a PHOTO ALBUM on a
bookshelf under the television.

		ENID
	Hey - why do you have this?

		REBECCA
	You lent it to me in like tenth
	grade.

		ENID
	I've been looking all over for
	this.

ANGLE ON ALBUM as she leafs through it. We see a picture of a
FIVE-YEAR-OLD ENID with glasses.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Look at how cute I am!

		REBECCA
	What a little hosebag.

ANGLE ON PHOTO of ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD ENID & REBECCA at a party.

		ENID
	Look, that's back when I hated you.

		REBECCA
	I remember every minute of that
	party.

		ENID
		(another page)
	There's my dad with Joanie.

		REBECCA
	I can never keep them all straight -
	was she the super-bitch?

		ENID
	No, she was the second wife. The
	third one was the super-bitch -
	Maxine.
		(finds a picture)
	There! Look at her!

ANGLE ON PHOTO of MAXINE.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	What a fucking monster!

Something on TV catches Rebecca's eye.

		REBECCA
	Oh my God! This is that comedian I
	was telling you about! You "have to
	see this guy -- he's the absolute
	worst!

A dead-pan comedian, JOEY McCOBB, is doing his stand-up
routine in a standard brick-wall comedy venue. He has a
contrived "I'm a weirdo" shtick.

		JOEY
	Just because I live with my mother
	people think I'm peculiar... so
	what if she's been dead for fifteen
	years! Hehn hehn...
		(Peter Lorre laugh)

		REBECCA (V.O.)
	God, that's barely even a joke.

		JOEY
	As I always say, take my life...
	please!

		ENID (V.O.)
	If he's supposed to be so weird,
	how come he's wearing Nikes?

		ANNOUNCER
	Joey McCobb, ladies and
	gentlemen... Joey McCobb!
		(APPLAUSE)

		ENID
	Joey McCobb is our God.

		REBECCA
	I want to do him!

		ENID
	I bet! Actually he reminds me of
	that one creep you went out with --
	you always go for guys with some
	lame, fake shtick.

		REBECCA
	What are you talking about -- who?

		ENID
	That Larry guy -- what look was he
	going for? A gay tennis player from
	the forties?

		REBECCA
	Fuck you!

Rebecca turns the page of Enid's sketchbook to the torn-out
personal ad.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	Hey! We forgot to call the loser!

		ENID
	Which loser?

		REBECCA
	You know, the green cardigan guy.

		ENID
	Oh yeah.

Rebecca goes to the phone and offers the receiver.

		REBECCA
	You call.

		ENID
	Why do I always have to do it?

		REBECCA
	You're better at it.

		ENID
		(as she dials)
	I remember when I first started
	reading these I thought DWF stood
	for "dwarf!"

		REBECCA
		(ear up to phone)
	What does it stand for?

		ENID
	Shh, it's his answering machine...
		(pause)

We hear the indistinct traces of a musical message followed
by a faint BEEP.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Hi, it's me - your "striking
	blonde." Of course I remember you.
	Let's get together for lunch
	sometime... How about Friday at one
	o'clock?... Why don't you meet me
	at my favorite restaurant,
	"Wowsville"... It's in the mall on
	Century Parkway... I'll see you
	there, darling... and be sure to
	wear that sexy green cardigan...

As Enid hangs up they both start laughing.

EXT. SIDEWINDER - DAY

A franchise convenience store with a western motif.

INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY

JOSH, 19, is taking his apron off as his BOSS, a humorless
Greek immigrant, counts out the cash register. Cheerful Muzak
plays.

		BOSS
	AH AH AH! What you think you doing?
	You still got five minutes left on
	you shift!

Enid (wearing wraparound shades) & Rebecca enter.

		ENID
	Well hello there, young employee of
	the Sidewinder.

		JOSH
	Look, I already told you I'm not
	going to give you a ride.

		ENID
	What can you tell me, young man,
	about the various flavors of
	"frozen yogurt"?

		JOSH
	Look, I'll be done in a minute.
	Just wait outside.

		ENID
	I'm afraid I don't understand. I
	simply wish to know --

		BOSS
	JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?

		JOSH
		(SIGHS)
	The flavors we're featuring this
	week, in addition to old favorites
	chocolate and vanilla, are Six-Gun
	Strawberry, Wild Cherry Round-up,
	and Ten Gallon Tangerine.

		ENID
	I don't believe I care for any of
	those.

Rebecca giggles. A customer, DOUG, enters: a lowly specimen
with bad hair-cut, mustache, and jail-house tattoos, wearing
filthy designer jeans and no shirt.

		DOUG
	Hey, Josh... I need two packs of
	smokes. I'm on a double shift
	tonight... fuckin' sixteen hours,
	man.

Doug brings a 40-ouncer to the counter. Josh has two packs of
Newports waiting for him.

		DOUG (CONT'D)
	Hey, and gimme six of these beef
	jerkys too - I'm hungry enough to
	chew the crotch out of a rag doll!

Doug pays.

		BOSS
	Hey! I told you: No shirt, no
	service!

		DOUG
		(as he leaves)
	Fuck you, man!

		ENID
	So Josh...

		JOSH
	Look, can we talk in a minute? I'm
	almost done.

Enid looks at herself in the security mirror. She takes off
her hat and messes up her hair. She then takes off her shades
and replaces them with her standard horn-rims.

		REBECCA
		(nudging Enid, points
		 outside)
	Look at this!

Outside we see Doug practicing with nunchuks and drinking a
beer. Heavy metal music blares from his car radio. The BOSS
sees this and goes out to yell at him.

		BOSS
	You get out of here!

Josh joins Enid & Rebecca on the other side of counter.

		ENID
	That guy rules!

		JOSH
	Who, Doug? He spends more time here
	than I do...

		ENID
	So Josh, will you give us a ride?
	Please? Pretty please? It's going
	to be super fun!

		JOSH
	No.

		REBECCA
	Please Josh?

		JOSH
	Forget it, there's no way... find
	some other poor sucker to abuse.

EXT. JOSH'S CAR - DAY

Josh is driving, chauffeur-like, with the two girls relaxing
in the back seat.

		JOSH
	Why do you even need a ride? You
	could walk there in two minutes.

		ENID
	It's just an excuse for us to spend
	ti with you.

Enid and Rebecca giggle.

		REBECCA
	So Josh, if this guy freaks out,
	will you protect us?

		JOSH
	He has every reason to freak out --
	this is a totally fucked-up thing
	to do to somebody!

		ENID
	God, I think Josh is too mature for
	us.

		REBECCA
	I know, look at the way he
	drives... he's like an old man.

		ENID
	Yeah, Josh, c'mon... MOVE IT!

EXT. GAFFEY STREET - DAY

Their car accelerates.

INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - 12:35 PM.

The three of them are seated at a corner booth. A song from
any decade other than the 50's PLAYS on the jukebox. A
BUSINESSMAN enters.

		REBECCA
	Look, maybe that's him!

		ENID
	It's still twenty-five minutes
	early.

		JOSH
	Aren't there a million places like
	this?

		ENID
	This is the ultimate. It's like the
	Taj Mahal of bad, fake 50's diners.

		JOSH
	So, where's "Weird Al"?

		ENID
	SHH! He's back there. I can see his
	hair bobbing up and down.

		REBECCA
	I want to "make love" to him.

		ENID
	I'm going to tell him you said
	that.

WEIRD AL approaches with menus.

		AL
	So nice to see you again, ladies.

		ENID
	Hey, Weird Al, there's something my
	friend wants to tell you --

		REBECCA
	SHUT UP!

		ENID
	She says she wants to MMPH!

Rebecca puts her hand over Enid's mouth.

				CUT TO:

A PUSH SWEEPER, SWEEPING THE CARPET.

ANGLE ON: OLD WOMAN slowly sweeping.

WE FOLLOW HER BACK TO: ENID, REBECCA & JOSH. THEY'RE NOW
EATING: TEN MINUTES HAVE PASSED, IT'S 12:45.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	So Josh... Becky and I are trying
	to figure out what makes you tick.
	Tell us about your political
	beliefs.

REBECCA laughs.

		JOSH
	Yeah, right.

		ENID
	No, I'm serious. Give us your whole
	basic philosophy in a nutshell.

		REBECCA
	Oh my God, look, that's got to be
	him!

A GUY enters.

		ENID
	Is he wearing a green cardigan?

		REBECCA
	What exactly is a cardigan anyway?

The GUY joins a friend.

		ENID
	That's not him... Jesus, stop
	freaking me out.

		JOSH
	In answer to your question, I
	suppose I endorse policies that are
	opposed to stupidity and violence
	and cruelty in any form...

		ENID
	I figured something like that...

		REBECCA
	Oh my God!

They see a somewhat funny-looking guy in his late 30's,
wearing a green cardigan, SEYMOUR, enter. Enid and Rebecca
hunch down in their seats.

		ENID
	It's obviously him!

		REBECCA
	I can't believe it!

Seymour sits down and looks around. Weird Al brings a menu.

ANOTHER ANGLE ON: WEIRD AL bringing his milkshake. Ten more
minutes have passed, it's 12:55.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	What's going on now? What's he
	doing?

		ENID
	Oh my god, he just ordered a giant
	glass of milk!

		JOSH
		(bursting her bubble)
	It's a vanilla milkshake.

Fifteen more minutes have passed - it's 1:10 PM. Seymour
looks around, still hopeful. His date is now TEN MINUTES
LATE.

		REBECCA
	What's he doing now?

		ENID
	He's still just sitting there. God,
	this is totally unbearable!

		JOSH
	I agree.

		REBECCA
	I wish I could see him.

		ENID
	Go ahead and look, but don't make
	it too obvious...

Rebecca turns around and pretends to look past Seymour.

It's now 1:30 PM. His date is 30 MINUTES LATE. Seymour gets
up and walks sadly towards the cashier (Weird Al).

		REBECCA
	Do you think he knows?

		ENID
	I dunno...

They watch him leave. Enid goes up to pay the bill while Josh
and Rebecca go outside.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Hey Weird Al, did that guy say
	anything to you before he left?

		AL
	Not a thing.

Enid goes back to the table to leave a tip, two dollars. Al
passes behind her.

		AL (CONT'D)
		(cheerfully professional
		 despite her abuse)
	Thank you and come again.

Enid hesitates, overcome with guilt. She glances back at Al,
then digs every penny out of her pocket (about seven dollars
in coins and wadded up bills) and adds it to his tip.

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

The trio drive in silence. Suddenly, an extra-wide pick-up
vrooms past Josh, cutting off the driver (SEYMOUR) next to
him. SEYMOUR bobs violently as he screams silent obscenities.

		JOSH
	Jesus, look at this guy.

		ENID
	Oh my God, that's HIM!

		REBECCA
	Are you sure?

		ENID
	Totally! Look!

ANGLE ON: SEYMOUR really having a fit now. Once it's out of
his system, he reverts to an amiable poker-face.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	He's insane!

		REBECCA
	We should follow him home.

		JOSH
	Forget it.

		ENID
	Come on, Josh... don't you want to
	see where he lives?

		JOSH
	No.

		ENID
	But this guy is like a one-of-kind,
	rare butterfly, and we have to
	follow him back to his natural
	habitat...

		JOSH
	You need counseling.

EXT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - DAY

Several minutes have passed. Seymour parks.

		REBECCA
	God, he lives right in our
	neighborhood!

Seymour gets out and disappears up the steps of his building.

		ENID
	He doesn't even look that bummed
	out, really.

		REBECCA
	I know... wouldn't you be totally
	pissed off?

		ENID
	This kind of thing must happen to
	him all the time.

INT. EXPERIMENTAL FILM - DAY

FULL SCREEN: grainy B&W video footage. The CAMERA travels up
a shadowy flight of stairs. We hear FOOTSTEPS, a rhythmic
POUNDING, and a deranged CHILDREN'S CHOIR ("LALALALALALA").

		WOMAN'S VOICE
		(cheap echo effect)
	Returning to the house of my
	Fatherfatherfatherfather...

The CAMERA reaches the top of the stairs, we see a door that
slowly CREAKS open. We move into the room beyond, it's
decorated with stuff from the 50's and a giant crucifix. We
HEAR a televangelist's sermon. We MOVE CLOSE on a little
girl's doll. Very slowly a MAN'S HAND reaches for the doll
and drags it into the shadows. The hand throws the now
mutilated doll into a toilet; water and blood swirl around.
We see grainy footage (shot off of TV) of Christians angrily
picketing an abortion clinic. CREDITS come up: THE END. A
FILM BY ROBERTA ALLSWORTH.

INT. ART CLASS - DAY

The lights go on, the VIDEO ends and the monitor is shut off.
There are about a dozen students, mostly pimply 14-year-old
boys, a few 14-ish girls, and Enid, dressed in schoolgirl
outfit. The teacher, ROBERTA ALLSWORTH, addresses the class.

		ROBERTA
	That piece is entitled
	"Mirror/Father/Mirror." I like to
	show it to people I'm meeting for
	the first time because it says so
	much about who I am and what it
	feels like to inhabit my specific
	skin.
	And this is exactly what I'm hoping
	to get from each of you over the
	course of this Summer: a picture of
	your own self-exploration. My own
	background is in video and
	performance art, but I'm hoping
	that doesn't influence you and that
	you'll find your own ways of
	externalizing the internal. At the
	end of the Summer, this class has
	been invited, along with several
	others in the area, to participate
	in a show of High-School art at the
	Neighborhood Activity Center. The
	title of the show will be
	"Brotherhood and Community: Art as
	Dialogue." I think the
	"Brotherhood" theme ties in nicely
	with the theme of self-discovery
	that I'd like to emphasize in this
	class. Are there any questions so
	far?
		(she's completely lost
		 them)
	Great...

EXT. SEYMOUR'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Enid and Rebecca stand in front of Seymour's apartment.

		ENID
	This is way too creepy.

		REBECCA
	He won't see us... we'll just stalk
	him from a distance.

		ENID
	I'm afraid if I see him, I'll start
	feeling really bad again.

A pause.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	So what should we do? We can't just
	hide all day waiting for him to
	come out...

EXT. SEYMOUR'S BUILDING - MAILBOX

There are three mail slots. Enid pulls the mail out of the
first one. We see FLOWER BULB CATALOGUES, and LADIES HOME
JOURNAL.

		ENID
	This is girl mail.

She grabs the mail out of SLOT NUMBER TWO.

		ENID
	This is all computer catalogues and
	stuff...

Rebecca is looking at the mail from SLOT NUMBER THREE.

		REBECCA
	The W.C. Fields Fan Club
	Newsletter...
		(she flips through the
		 mail)
	Oh my God, The National Psoriasis
	Foundation!

		ENID
	Bingo!

She shoves back the contents of slot number two and grabs the
mail from Rebecca. We hear MALE VOICES around the corner.

		REBECCA
	Wait! Do you hear that?

Enid jams the mail back in the slot in a panic.

		ENID
	Shit!

They slowly walk around the bushes toward the voices.

INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

They see the GARAGE SALE, in progress. They've all spotted
each other.

		REBECCA
	What should we do? What if he
	recognizes us?

		ENID
	Come on, it's too late now...

A middle-aged HOUSEWIFE browses with little enthusiasm as
Enid & Rebecca tentatively approach. Enid spots a MONGOOSE
VS. COBRA taxidermy piece near Joe...

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Ew, look at this...

		REBECCA
	Gross!

		ENID
	I think it's cute - look at his
	little weasel teeth.

		REBECCA
	Ew, it's like some gross rat...

		JOE
		(hardly looking up from
		 TV)
	It's a mongoose.

		REBECCA
	Mm...

		ENID
	A what?

		JOE
	A mongoose... they eat snakes...
	you never heard of a mongoose?
	That's a classic piece of vintage
	taxidermy. Nobody alive today knows
	how to do work like that.

		ENID
		(looking underneath it)
	How much is this?

		JOE
	Umm... That's not officially for
	sale... I might have to hang onto
	that for the time being.

Joe shuts off the TV. He turns to the girls, not wanting to
lose the rapport he's established with two potential
customers.

		JOE (CONT'D)
	So, are you looking for anything in
	particular? There's a lot of other
	stuff in storage...

He picks up a plastic Casio-type guitar/keyboard (a child's
toy) and starts noodling pre-programmed rock licks.

		JOE (CONT'D)
	Perhaps the "Jam-in-ator" appeals
	to you.
	Absolutely no practice necessary.
	You shread like a giant. Just press
	a button.

		ENID
	That's okay...

She notices several modern jazz LPs on Joe's table.

		ENID
	Do you have any other old records
	besides these?

		JOE
	Seymour does.

		ENID
	Who does?

		JOE
	Him. Seymour. He's the man with the
	records.

Enid glances at Rebecca and mouths the implausible name:
"Seymour?!" Rebecca snorts, unable to control her laughter,
and turns away from the table. Enid keeps her cool...

		ENID
	Do you have any old Indian records?

		SEYMOUR
	Indian records?

		ENID
	You know, like weird 1960's Indian
	rock n' roll music.

		SEYMOUR
	I don't have anything after about
	1935. I may have one Hindu 78 from
	the twenties in my collection, but
	it's not really for sale. I don't
	really collect "foreign."

Enid drifts over and begins thumbing through a box of 78s.

		SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
	Those are all 78s... Can you play
	78s?

		ENID
	Sure!... Wait, maybe not 78s, but I
	can play regular records...

He points her to a nearby box of LPs.

		SEYMOUR
	There's some good stuff in here...
	do you like old music?

		ENID
	Sure, I guess.

		SEYMOUR
	Well there's a few choice LPs in
	here that re-issue some really
	great old blues stuff.

Rebecca tugs on Enid's sleeve. Enid gets free and continues
looking through the records. She stops on one with an
especially wacky cover.

		ENID
	Is this one any good?

		SEYMOUR
	Nah, it's not so great. Here's the
	one I'd recommend.

He pulls out a bland-looking record: "COLLECTOR'S ITEMS,
VOLUME THREE." Rebecca shifts impatiently behind her.

		SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
	This track alone by Memphis Minnie
	is worth about $500 if you have the
	original 78. She was one of the
	greatest guitar players that ever
	lived, and a great singer and
	songwriter as well. I know the guy
	who owns the original and lent it
	for use on this reissue.

		ENID
	Wow!

Rebecca snorts at Enid's over-exuberance. Enid kicks her.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	How much is it?

		SEYMOUR
	A dollar seventy-five.

		ENID
	Okay.

She pays him.

		SEYMOUR
	If you don't like it bring it back
	for a refund. We're here every
	Saturday.

He puts the record into a bag.

		ENID
	I'm sure it's fine.

INT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY

Enid & Rebecca sit in their usual booth. Rebecca is reading
THE FREE WEEKLY.

		REBECCA
	That was truly pathetic.

		ENID
	I know... I still can't get over
	that his name was "Seymour."

Rebecca starts looking through the APARTMENT LISTINGS. She
takes a pen out of her purse.

		REBECCA
	He was so excited when you bought
	that record -- you're a saint!...
	God, these apartments are super
	expensive...

		ENID
	It was so cute how he had his own
	little bags. I thought I was going
	to start crying!... Do you think
	they're gay?

		REBECCA
	What about the "striking redhead in
	the yellow dress"?

		ENID
	Oh yeah...

		REBECCA
	He should totally just kill
	himself... Hey, here's one
		(circles it)
	... Oh wait...
		(crosses it out)
	you have to share it with a non
	smoking feminist and her two
	cats...

		ENID
	I dunno... I kind of like him...
	He's the exact opposite of
	everything I really hate... In a
	way he's such a clueless dork that
	he's almost cool...

		REBECCA
	That guy is many things but he
	definitely isn't "cool"... This one
	would be okay, but there's no
	kitchen...

		ENID
	Yeah, but... you know what I mean.

		REBECCA
	Not really...

		ENID
	Forget it, I can't explain it...

Awkward silence. Melorra enters.

		MELORRA
	Oh my god, what are you guys doing
	here?

		ENID
	What are you doing here, Melorra?

		MELORRA
	My acting workshop is across the
	street from here. I'm just on my
	break.

		ENID
	Well, we won't keep you.

		MELORRA
	I love this place... it's so - you
	know, "funky."

Enid and Rebecca look at each other.

		MELORRA (CONT'D)
	What are you guys up to?

		REBECCA
	We're looking for an apartment.

		MELORRA
	God how cool. Where are you moving?

		ENID
	We're not sure yet, that's why
	we're looking.

		REBECCA
	Somewhere downtown.

		MELORRA
	God that's so exciting!
		(looks at clock)
	Oops, I should go. Bye you guys!
	Call me.

Melorra leaves quickly.

		REBECCA
	"Funky"?

		ENID
	What, is she black now?

They watch her cross the street - she's dressed in expensive
"casual" clothes with a fancy backpack.

		REBECCA
	I've been thinking about when we
	look for our apartment how we have
	to try and convince people that
	we're like these totally rich
	yuppies...

		ENID
	What are you talking about?

		REBECCA
	That's who people want to rent to.
	It's a known fact that it's way
	easier to get a job and everything
	if you're rich... All we have to do
	is buy a few semi-expensive outfits
	and act like it's no big deal...
	it'll be fun.

		ENID
	You just want an excuse to dress
	like some stupid fashion model
	without me making fun of you.

		REBECCA
	Just promise you'll do it.

		ENID
	Okay, okay, I promise... Jesus,
	you're out of your mind.

INT. ENID'S BATHROOM - DAY

Loud water running; PUNK ROCK blares from adjoining bedroom
as Enid, her head in the sink, sings along, making up her own
words. As she straightens INTO FRAME, we see that she's dyed
her hair green. She grabs a towel and heads into the bedroom.

INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Her DAD enters with a mixing bowl, oblivious to the green
hair and loud music.

		DAD
		(over music)
	Have you seen my blue spatula?

		ENID
	Nope. What are you making,
	pancakes?

		DAD
	Not if I don't find that goddamn
	spatula.

Lad leaves. Enid messes up her hair in different ways while
singing along to the tape and looking at herself in the
mirror. Rebecca opens the door and stands in the doorway.

		REBECCA
		(disdainful)
	When did you do that?

Enid turns around, startled, but instantly regains helps
composure.

		ENID
	What? How long have you been
	standing there?

EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/NEAR ACME SHOES - DAY

		REBECCA
	Did you have to buy new hair dye or
	did you still have some left over
	from eighth grade?

		ENID
	Fuck you, bitch!

They walk past a sad-looking ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE, in
a distinctive old building, that looks as if it's been there
forever. They stop and peer through the window.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	We still have to go in there
	sometime.

		REBECCA
	It's always closed...

		ENID
	I bet they have tons of incredible
	shoes hidden in the back.

They continue walking.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Hey look, it's the pants.

We see a pair of discarded jeans on the sidewalk.

		REBECCA
	Where are we going?

		ENID
	Let's go hassle Josh.

		REBECCA
	"Hassle"?

They see a MIDDLE-AGED MAN dressed in a shabby threadbare
suit and hat sitting at what was once a bus stop. The rusty
sign has a red sticker on it that says "No longer in
service."

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	There he is...

		ENID
	As always.

		REBECCA
	Waiting for the bus that never
	comes...

		ENID
	I wonder if he's just totally
	insane and he really thinks a bus
	is coming or --

		REBECCA
	Why don't you ask him.

Enid sits next to THE MAN. Rebecca stands behind the bench,
taken aback that Enid is going to end the long standing
speculation.

		ENID
	Hi... what's your name?

		MAN
		(looks at watchless wrist,
		 then down the street)
	Norman.

		ENID
	... are you waiting for a bus?

		MAN
	Yes.

		ENID
	I hate to tell you this but they
	cancelled this bus line two years
	ago... There are no buses on this
	street.

		MAN
	You don't know what you're talking
	about.

EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Enid & Rebecca are on the outside porch/walkway on the second
floor of Josh's building. Enid POUNDS on his pasteboard door;
the windows RATTLE with each hollow THUD.

		ENID
	JOSH!

		REBECCA
	JOSH!

		ENID & REBECCA
	JOSH!

		ENID
	He's probably in there jerking off.

		REBECCA
	I'll bet he never jerks off...

		ENID
	Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like
	that.

		REBECCA
	Should we leave a note?

Enid finds a piece of paper - the back of a pizza flyer.

		ENID
	Do you have a pen?

She writes, while Rebecca looks over her shoulder. "Dear
Josh. We came by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door.
Therefore you are gay. Signed, Tiffany and Amber."

		REBECCA
	You're not really going to leave
	that are you?

Enid pushes the note over his doorknob.

EXT. ENTERING ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY

		REBECCA
	Why are we going here? I hate this
	place.

		ENID
	It'll only take a second.

INT. ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY

They enter. We see racks of books-with titles like "Make
Explosives At Home." Rebecca walks over to the magazine rack.

		CREEP #1
	-- I'm telling you, you're wrong --
	carpet beetles are the only way to
	get the flesh off a corpse...
	Boiling is strictly for amateurs!

		ENID
	Don't you creeps ever talk about
	anything nice? Don't you ever talk
	about fluffy kittens or the Easter
	Bunny?

		CREEP #1
	Look who's talking - little miss
	badass...

		CREEP #2
	Yeah, nice outfit - who are you
	supposed to be, Cyndi Lauper?

		ENID
	Blow me, doofus!

John Ellis emerges from the back and begins to unload a box
of books onto the shelves. He stops and looks at Enid.

		JOHN ELLIS
	Didn't they tell you?

		ENID
	Tell me what?

		JOHN ELLIS
	Punk rock is over!

		ENID
	I know it's over, asshole, I --

		JOHN ELLIS
	If you really want to "fuck up the
	system,- you should go to business
	school -- that's what I'm gonna do:
	get a job at some big corporation
	and fuck things up from the inside!

		ENID
	That's not even --

		JOHN ELLIS
	Yeah yeah yeah. Do you have my
	money?

She wads up a twenty-dollar bill and throws it at him.

		JOHN ELLIS (CONT'D)
	Oh, how "punk."

		ENID
	That tape sucked, by the way!

		JOHN ELLIS
	I'm so sorry if you were offended!

He heads toward the back room with the empty box.

		ENID
	Go die, asshole!

		JOHN ELLIS
	Get a job!

He exits. Rebecca walks over to Enid.

		REBECCA
	What was that all about?

		ENID
	It's not like I'm some modern Punk
	dickhead... It's obviously supposed
	to be a 1977 Punk look, but I guess
	Johnny Fuckface is too stupid to
	get it!

		REBECCA
	I didn't get it either.

		ENID
	Everybody's too stupid!

INT. ENID'S BEDROOM/BATHROOM - EVENING

Enid dejectedly enters and heads straight for the bathroom.
She rummages through a cabinet until she finds the right box
(black hair dye). She wets her hair, then goes into the
bedroom and mechanically turns on her boom box. The punk rock
song we heard earlier plays. She yanks out the tape and
flings it away. She skims through her records and CDs,
dismissing them all. She notices Seymour's bag in the corner.
She takes out the record and puts it on. The first tune is an
upbeat instrumental number. She returns to the bathroom.
Several minutes pass. TRACK TWO begins on the LP. She (and
we) slowly begin to take notice. It's a strange, haunting old
BLUES RECORD. We see that the tune has struck a nerve.

INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

The song continues. Enid sits in her bean-bag chair. Her hair
is now dyed back to black. As the song ends, she picks up the
needle and starts it again.

INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

		ENID
	Yeah, it took a while before I got
	a chance to play it, but when I
	heard that song it was like --

		SEYMOUR
	So you really liked it? Yeah,
	there's some really rare
	performances. You liked that
	Memphis Minnie, huh?

		ENID
	Yeah, that's good too... the whole
	record was good, but that one song,
	"Devil Got My Woman" -- I mostly
	just keep playing that one over and
	over... Do you have any other
	records like that?

		SEYMOUR
	The Skip James record? Yeah, that's
	a masterpiece. There are no other
	records like that! I actually have
	the original 78 of it in my
	collection. It's one of maybe five
	known copies.

		ENID
		(nearly sincere)
	Wow!

		SEYMOUR
	Do you want to see it? I can run
	upstairs and get it...

		ENID
	Yeah, sure, I guess...

		SEYMOUR
		(to Joe, he always says
		 this when he leaves his
		 table)
	Watch my stuff.

Seymour exits. An uncomfortable pause as Enid stands at the
table. She touches the mongoose's tooth.

		JOE
		(not looking up)
	You still interested in that?

		ENID
	I thought it wasn't for sale.

		JOE
	I'm thinkin' maybe I could let it
	go...

		ENID
	It's kind of falling apart.

Seymour returns with the 78, holding it like a precious
object.

		SEYMOUR
	Here it is. It's only about V minus
	and has an incipient lam crack, but
	plays decent as I recall.

Seymour passes the 78 to Enid who fo1lows suit and holds it
carefully by the edges.

		ENID
	Wow...

Enid pretends to drop the record.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Oops! I dropped it!

		SEYMOUR
	NO!!!

		ENID
	Hey, I was only kidding!

She hands the record back to Seymour, who's shaken and
embarrassed.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Jesus, Seymour... are you all
	right?

INT. ART CLASS - DAY

Starts with a PAN ACROSS a wall of unimpressive high school
art: dumb drawings of fighting Chuck Norris-types, traced
centerfolds, highly sexualized horses, etc. And, on a table,
a wire sculpture made from two coathangers.

		ROBERTA
	I'm not going to start a discourse
	on the subject of "good" art vs.
	"bad" art; these judgments are for
	each person to make on his own. I
	merely want to help each of you
	find the best way to look within
	yourselves the best key to your
	particular lock. Last week I asked
	you to-try and create a piece of
	artwork that responds to something
	that you have strong feelings
	about.

Enid enters late and puts her sketchbook on the table.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	And it looks like we have some
	really interesting work up here....

Roberta peruses some of the art, then points to a very
violent drawing.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	What can you tell, us about your
	piece... uh...
		(struggles to read
		 signature)
	... Phillip?

		PHILLIP
		(very stupid and nervous)
	Uh... it's uh... it's about The
	Mutilator...

		ROBERTA
	My goodness!

		PHILLIP
	It's this really great video game
	about a guy who kills people with a
	big hammer...

		ROBERTA
		(trying to make a joke)
	I thought maybe this was supposed
	to be your father.

No response from Phillip. Roberta nicks up Enid's sketchbook
and leafs through it.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	And what can you tell us about
	this...
		(searches for name)

		ENID
	Enid. It's sort of like a diary I
	guess.

We see several sketches, including the drawing of the
SATANISTS. Roberta shows a few pages to the class.

		ROBERTA
	I think that Phillip and Enid can
	help us to see that there are-many
	different ways we can express
	ourselves.
	We can do things like these
	cartoons that are amusing as a sort
	of light entertainment or we can do
	work that is more serious in scope
	and feeling and that deals with
	issues; emotional, spiritual,
	political; of great importance. I
	hope that you will each have the
	tools to do that type of work by
	the end of this class.
		(pause, points at WIRE
		 SCULPTURE)
	Who is responsible for this?

		MARGARET
	I am.

		ROBERTA
	Talk to us about it...

		MARGARET
	It's my response to the issue of a
	woman's right to choose... it's
	something I feel super-strongly
	about.

		ROBERTA
	Isn't this a wonderful piece,
	class? This definitely falls into
	that higher category of art I was
	speaking of earlier.

MARGARET glances over at Enid. Enid gives her a dirty look.

INT. "MASTERPIECE VIDEO" STORE - AFTERNOON.

On a monitor, a generic trailer is playing.

		MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
	Hello and welcome to Masterpiece
	video. How may I help you this
	afternoon, sir?

		CUSTOMER
	I'm looking for a copy of 8 1/2.

		MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
	Yessir! Is it a new release, sir?

		CUSTOMER
	No, it's the classic Italian film.

		MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
	Let me look that up on the computer
	for you, sir!
		(fiddles with computer)
	Yes, here it is - 9 1/2 WEEKS with
	Mickey Rourke. It's in our "Erotic
	Dramas" section.

		CUSTOMER
	No, not "9 1/2", 8 1/2 , the
	Fellini film.

		MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
	I'll check that for you sir. How do
	you spell the actor's name - F-I-L
	E-E-P-E-E...?

WE SEE Enid & Rebecca, dressed up in sexy outfits.

		REBECCA
	How about this one?

		ENID
	Hey, you have to see my new good
	luck charm.

She pulls out a small porcelain figure of a MAN FLUSHING
HIMSELF DOWN A TOILET with the words "Goodbye Cruel World" on
the base.

		REBECCA
	Ew ... when did you get that?

		ENID
	This morning at Seymour's garage
	sale.

		REBECCA
	God, aren't you tired of Seymour
	yet?

Rebecca picks up another tape.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	How about this?

		ENID
	Forget it. I'm sure it sucks. All
	these movies suck.

An obnoxious SIX-YEAR-OLD tries to get his PARENTS to add
another tape to their already tall stack. He stares at the
video monitor.

Another MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE reshelves videos near them.

		MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #2
		(overly cheerful)
	Hello! How are you young ladies
	this evening? May I help you find a
	particular Masterpiece movie?

		ENID
	No.

They walk by him.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Let's get out of here, this place
	makes me sick.

		REBECCA
	We have to do something fun tonight
	this is my last weekend of freedom
	before I start my stupid job.

		ENID
	I know a party we could go to...

		REBECCA
	What? Where?!

		ENID
	It's a surprise.

		REBECCA
	I don't believe you.

		ENID
	If I promise you there's really a
	party with a lot of guys, do you
	promise you'll go?

INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

A depressing COLLECTORS' GET-TOGETHER in progress. Enid &
Rebecca sit on an old sofa in the corner. Nine or ten RECORD
COLLECTORS mill about.

		JEROME
	There are some records I will pay
	serious money for, provided they're
	a sincere V plus. Other than that
	I'd prefer to just have them on CD.

		STEVEN
	CDs will never have the presence of
	an original 78.

		JEROME
	WRR-ONG! A digital transfer
	adequately mastered will sound
	identical to the original. Do you
	have a decent equalizer?

		STEVEN
	I have a Klipsch 2B3.

		JEROME
	Obviously the problem! You expect a
	ten-band equalizer to impart state
	of-the-art sound? Dream a little
	dream! etc...

Enid & Rebecca are sitting nearby.

		REBECCA
	I totally, totally hate you.

		ENID
	Aw c'mon, this is a fun party.

ANGLE ON: Joe stands talking to GERROLD, an obnoxious, pushy,
fast-talking guy who keeps eyeing Rebecca. He shovels food
into his mouth as he speaks.

		GERROLD
	So what's the story with the two
	cheerleaders over here?

		JOE
	They're Seymour's.

		GERROLD
	Seymour? You gotta be kidding me!

		JOE
	Don't worry about it. He's not
	gettin' any and neither are you.

		GERROLD
		(poking Joe in the chest)
	Let me tell ya somethin', Joe...
	Listen to me, Joe... you can't hit
	a home run without swinging the
	bat!

		JOE
	Right.

Gerrold walks over to where Rebecca is sitting. He sits on
the arm of sofa next to her.

		GERROLD
	Mind if I sit here?

		REBECCA
		(staring straight ahead)
	Yes.

		GERROLD
	Whoa, that was cold! Hey, you're
	okay, you're pretty sharp. So uh...
	hey, you're wearing a green dress -
	whadda you Irish? I bet you're
	Irish. What's your name?

		REBECCA
	Melorra...

		GERROLD
	Melorra, listen to me - let me tell
	you something Melorra... you seem
	like an interesting chick - what
	are you doing hanging out with
	these losers here? Whaddya say you
	and me take off and hit some
	nightspots etc. etc.

		ENID
	I'll be right back, I'm gonna go
	get a beer.

		REBECCA
		(to ENID)
	Wait...

Enid goes over to the beer keg. Nearby Seymour stands talking
to PAUL - a humorless, middle-aged guy in a suit and tie
who's contemptuously examining one of Seymour's 78s.

		SEYMOUR
	... but it plays like new. There's
	no groove wear.

		PAUL
	Oh please... It has an enlarged
	center hole and a hair crack.

Enid approaches them.

		SEYMOUR
	But the crack is so tight it's
	completely inaudible.

		PAUL
	A tight hair crack is just that - a
	crack. I don't collect cracked
	records.
		(walking away)
	I only pay a premium for mint
	records Seymour, you know that!
	Please!

		ENID
	What was all that stuff about
	enlarged holes and tight cracks?

		SEYMOUR
	I... I didn't think you would have
	any interest in this get
	together... I mean if you had told
	me you were coming I would have
	warned you -- it's not like a real
	party or anything.

		ENID
	You're right about that.
		(pause)
	So this is your record collection?

		SEYMOUR
	Oh God no. This is just junk I have
	for sale or trade. The record room
	is off-limits.

		ENID
	Really? Can I see it?

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, well sure... you can if you
	want to... it's just I don't want
	all these guys in there at once...
	you know...

INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING

Enid & Seymour enter his inner sanctum, beverage containers
in hand -- nicely-displayed old collectibles cover just about
every inch of wall space.

		ENID
	Wow! This is like my dream room!
	Are these all records!

		SEYMOUR
	I have about fifteen hundred 78s at
	this point. I've tried to pare down
	my collection to the essential...

		ENID
	God, look at this poster! I can't
	believe this room! You're the
	luckiest guy in the world! I'd kill
	to have stuff like this!

		SEYMOUR
	Please... go ahead and kill me!
	This stuff doesn't make you happy,
	believe me.

		ENID
	Oh, come on! What are you talking
	about?

		SEYMOUR
	You think it's healthy to
	obsessively collect things? You
	can't connect with other people so
	you fill your life with stuff...
	I'm just like all the rest of these
	pathetic collector losers.

Enid writes her name in the dust.

		ENID
	No you're not! You're a cool guy,
	Seymour.

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah right... If I'm so cool, why
	haven't I had a girlfriend in four
	years? I can't even remember the
	last time a girl talked to me.

		ENID
	I'm talking to you... I'll bet
	there are tons of women who would
	go out with you in a minute!.

		SEYMOUR
	Oh, right...

		ENID
	No really... I guarantee I could
	get you a date in like two
	seconds...

		SEYMOUR
	Good luck...

		ENID
	I'm totally serious!

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, well...

		ENID
	I mean it -- You leave everything
	to me -- I'm going to be your own
	personal dating service!

		SEYMOUR
	I appreciate the offer but you
	really don't --

		ENID
	Mark my words, by the end of this
	summer you'll be up to your neck in
	pussy!

		SEYMOUR
	Jesus! That's very nice of you Enid
	but I - I really --

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

As Enid and Seymour walk. A 20-ish secretary-type passes.

		ENID
	What about her? Would you go out
	with her?

		SEYMOUR
	I don't know, what kind of question
	is that? I mean it's totally
	irrelevant because a girl like that
	would never be caught dead with
	me...

		ENID
	But putting that aside for now,
	would you go out with her?

		SEYMOUR
	I really didn't get a good look at
	her.

A breasty, overweight 40-year-old walks by.

		ENID
	Okay, what about this one? Are you
	into girls with big tits?

		SEYMOUR
		(embarrassed)
	Jesus!

		ENID
	C'mon Seymour, I'm trying to
	collect data here! Don't you want
	me to find you your perfect dream
	girl?

		SEYMOUR
	I'm just not one of those guys who
	has a "type"...

		ENID
	Every guy has a type!

		SEYMOUR
		(he doesn't really mean
		 this)
	I mean as long as she's not a
	complete imbecile and she's even
	remotely attractive...

They walk by "the pants."

		ENID
	Hey look, there's Norman!

He's sitting as before at the defunct bus stop.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Hi Norman.

Norman nods politely. Seymour looks quizzically at Enid.

EXT. CITY STREET/NEAR SIDEWINDER - DAY

They're in another part of town near THE SIDEWINDER.

		ENID
	We need to narrow this down
	somehow... we need to find a place
	where you can meet women who share
	your interests.

		SEYMOUR
	Maybe I don't want to meet someone
	who shares my interests.
	I hate my interests! Where can I go
	to meet the exact opposite of
	myself?

		ENID
	Yeah yeah yeah... Just tell me your
	five main interests, in order of
	importance.

		SEYMOUR
		(sighs)
	Well, let's see... I guess I'd have
	to put Traditional Jazz, Blues, and
	Ragtime music at the top of the
	list, then probably...

		ENID
	Let's just say "music" - that way
	you only use up one...
		(spots The Sidewinder)
	Wait, we have to go in here for a
	second...

INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY

They enter. Josh has his back to the counter as he makes a
complicated frozen yogurt sundae for a little girl.

		ENID
	Hi Josh.

		JOSH
		(without turning around)
	Hi.

		ENID
	I just stopped in to say hi.

		JOSH
	Yeah, well... hi...

He turns around non-chalantly, holding the sundae. He looks
up and sees Enid with the guy from Wowsville (Seymour).

		ENID
	This is my friend Seymour.

Josh is startled and drops the sundae. The girl starts
crying. Josh immediately starts to clean up the mess. Enid,
satisfied, heads with Seymour for the door.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	See you later, Josh!

As the door closes, we hear a familiar voice.

		BOSS
	JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Enid & Seymour continue walking.

		SEYMOUR
		(pause)
	So is that your boyfriend?

		ENID
	Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend...
	He's just this guy that Becky and I
	like to torture.

		SEYMOUR
	Well are --

		ENID
		(interrupts suddenly)
	Oh my god! We have to go in here!

They are in front of STAN'S, a porno shop.

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, sure... very funny....

		ENID
	Please, Seymour... Becky and I have
	been dying to go in here but we
	can't get any boys to take us...
	Please?

		SEYMOUR
	I - I'd really rather not...

		ENID
	We'll just go in for one minute --
	it'll be a riot!

		SEYMOUR
	I don't think so...

		ENID
	PLEASE? We have to!

		SEYMOUR
	I really don't think it's a good
	idea.

		ENID
	Fine, I'll go by myself then...

INT. ANTHONY'S II - DAY

Enid & Seymour enter. There are a half dozen MEN browsing
through the videos and magazines.

		ENID
		(whispering)
	Wow! Look at all these creeps!

		SEYMOUR
	Shh!

		ENID
	OH MY GOD!

Enid runs over and grabs a BLOW-UP SEX DOLL. Everyone in the
store looks at them. Seymour blushes and sweats.

		ENID
	What kind of weirdo would actually
	have sex with this? We have to buy
	this!

She looks around, over-stimulated.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	God, this place is a total riot!

She picks up a magazine.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Look at this -- "Lollipop Lolitas"
	- isn't child pornography totally
	illegal?

		SEYMOUR
	These are older women just dressed
	up to look young... I think.

ANGLE ON a pair of THIGH-HIGH LEATHER FETISH BOOTS.

		ENID (V.O.)
	Oh my god!

WIDER ANGLE: She's in another part of the store near the
CASHIER.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	How much are these boots? Do you
	have these in size five?

		CASHIER
	That's the only pair of those I
	have right now. I'm getting a new
	order in next week...

She spots something and gasps. She yells across the store.

		ENID
	OH MY GOD SEYMOUR! You have to lend
	me the money to buy this.

Everyone looks at Seymour as he sheepishly approaches. He
takes out his wallet.

		SEYMOUR
	Uh, I don't have much money with me
	right now.

		ENID
	C'mon, Seymour, please?

		CASHIER
	Why don't you come back in two
	weeks - we'll be having our annuAl
	Back-to-School sale.

INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - LATE AFTERNOON

Rebecca is at the counter serving a long line of YUPPIES. We
can see a sign next to the counter that reads: "Answer
today's trivia question and get a free small coffee".

		YUPPIE #1
	I'd like a medium latte for here.

		REBECCA
	Can I get you a biscotti to go with
	that?

		YUPPIE #1
	NO! Just the latte.

Enid is next wearing a RUBBER BONDAGE MASK with devil horns.

		ENID (V.O.)
	Give me all your money, bitch!

		REBECCA
	Where did you get that?

		ENID
	You won't believe it! Guess!

		REBECCA
	Where?

		ENID
	Anthony's II!

		REBECCA
	No way... when?

		ENID
	Just now... I went with Seymour.

		REBECCA
	You cunt!

FELDMAN is in line behind Enid. He's a poodle-haired, fedora
wearing eccentric in a motorized wheelchair-golf cart
contraption.

		FELDMAN
	Excuse me - I can't read the trivia
	question!

Enid is in the way. She reads it to him.

		ENID
	"Where on the human body is the
	'Douglas Pouch' located?"

Feldman grunts and starts to tap away on his powerbook while
Rebecca, rolling her eyes, goes to get his coffee. A DIGITAL
GRAPHIC of the FEMALE FORM on his computer screen. With a few
keyboard strokes he zeroes in on a schematic of the
REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. An area behind the cervix BLINKS.

		FELDMAN
	Slightly below the uterus on a
	female.

He takes his coffee and putters towards the door.

		ENID
	That guy is totally amazing.

		REBECCA
	He does that every single day.

		YUPPIE #2
	Can I get a decaf mocha to go?

		REBECCA
	Can I get you a...

		YUPPIE #2
	NO, I don't want a biscotti with
	that.

YUPPIE #2 pays and leaves.

		ENID
	God, how can you stand all these
	assholes?

		REBECCA
	I don't know... Some people are
	okay, but mostly I feel like
	poisoning everybody.

		ENID
	At least the wheelchair guy is sort
	of entertaining...

		REBECCA
	He's a total asshole... He doesn't
	even need that wheelchair, he's
	just totally lazy!

		ENID
	That rules!

		REBECCA
	No, it doesn't. You'll see... you
	get totally sick of all the creeps
	and losers and weirdos.

		ENID
	But those are our people...

		REBECCA
	Yeah, well...
		(pause)
	So when are you going to get your
	job?

		ENID
	I'm working on it... I've got a few
	leads... it's just that right now I
	have, all these projects that take
	up all my time.

		REBECCA
	Like what?

		ENID
	Nothing. Don't worry... I promise
	I'll get a job next week.

		REBECCA
		(pause)
	God, I can't believe you went to
	Anthony's without me.

INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - DAY

Enid and her dad are eating breakfast. A 13" TV sits on the
kitchen counter behind them.

		TV COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
		(sincere)
	Hope comes in all forms. To the
	endangered white stork searching
	for wetlands it comes in the form
	of a sanctuary provided by people
	who care. Do people care? Chevron
	does. That's why at Chevron we're
	just as concerned...

		DAD
	Are you still looking for a job? Do
	you have any leads?

		ENID
	Will you get off my back for once?

		DAD
	It's tough to find a good job
	without any kind of training.

		ENID
	Look, I told you I'm not going to
	college.

		DAD
	Well, I think it's good to keep all
	your options open. You can always
	enroll for the winter quarter.
	You,could even live here and go to
	the city college part time, and
	still get a job if you wanted to.

		ENID
	Look at me -- I'm not even
	listening to a word you're saying.

Pause.

		DAD
	Did I tell you who I ran into at
	the bagel place?

		ENID
		(reading cereal box)
	Who?

		DAD
	Guess.

		ENID
	How should I know?

		DAD
	Someone from the past.

		ENID
	Who?

		DAD
	Give up?

		ENID
	YES.

		DAD
	Maxine.

		ENID
	Not the Maxine?

		DAD
	Yup.

		ENID
	God, how horrifying.

INT. COLLEGE COFFEE HOUSE DAY

Enid and Rebecca sit in a semi-crowded college hang-out.

		REBECCA
	... you don't have to make a
	million dollars -- just get any
	stupid job so we can at least start
	looking for an apartment.

		ENID
		(thoughtful pause)
	I wonder if I hang around with you
	because you're like my surrogate
	mother figure or something. Like I
	have this subconscious biological
	need to be nagged and bitched at
	constantly.

		REBECCA
	You hang out with me because nobody
	else can stand to be around you.

		ENID
	Or maybe... did you ever think that
	deep down we really might be
	lesbos? Maybe that's why we spend
	so much time together.

		REBECCA
	You're gross.
		(pause)
	See that guy?

		ENID
	Which one?

		REBECCA
	He gives me a total boner!

		ENID
	He's like the biggest idiot of all
	time!

The guy, a COLLEGE SOPHOMORE, walks by them with two friends.

		COLLEGE SOPHOMORE
	Are you guys up for some reggae
	tonight?

		REBECCA
	Okay, you're right.

		ENID
		(whispers)
	Heads up.

An earnest "ALTERNATIVE-ROCK" GUY approaches Rebecca. He
hands her a flyer.

		GUY
	Hey, my band is playing here on
	Friday night and uh... there's
	gonna be a bunch of cool bands
	playing and stuff and you don't
	have to pay if you show this flyer
	at the door... you should come
	check it out.

		REBECCA
		(shyly)
	Thanks ...
		(she looks away)
	Enid takes the flyer from Rebecca.
	There are a bunch of bands listed.

		ENID
	Which one is your band?

		GUY
	Alien Autopsy.

		ENID
		(sarcastic)
	Bitchin'.

		GUY
		(embarrassing pause; then,
		 to Rebecca)
	Yeah, well... maybe I'll see you
	there...
		(pause; walks away)

		ENID
	What a dork!

		REBECCA
	You're just jealous.

		ENID
	Yeah, right... Believe me, at this
	point I'm over the fact that every
	single guy likes you better than
	met!

		REBECCA
	Face it, you hate every single boy
	on the face of the earth!

		ENID
	That's not true, I just hate all
	these obnoxious, extroverted,
	pseudo-bohemian losers!
		(sad pause)
	Sometimes I think I act so weird
	because I'm crazy from sexual
	frustration.

		REBECCA
	Haven't you heard about the miracle
	of masturbation?

		ENID
		(sighs)
	... maybe we should be lesbos ...

		REBECCA
	Get away from me!

INT. ENID'S FANTASY - EVENING

Starts on full moon in night sky, framed right --

				DISSOLVE TO:

... a dark moonlit room. Enid lies on her stomach in bed. We
MOVE IN CLOSER to her head as though entering her thoughts,
which slowly fade in: WE MOVE TOWARD a vertical sliver of
light -- a cracked-open bathroom door.

WE MOVE into the bathroom and see Enid taking a shower. Josh
enters, dressed in a black suit, holding a large bouquet of
flowers. CUT. We start again, exactly as before, only without
the flowers. He starts to take off his clothes. CUT. He
enters again and gets right in the shower, fully clothed.
They begin to kiss. After a passionate moment, the door
opens. Rebecca stands there, stunned.

				CUT BACK TO:

We see only the slightest trace of Enid in the darkness. She
sighs.

INT. ART CLASS - DAY

CLOSE-UP ON a charcoal portrait of DON KNOTTS.

		ROBERTA
	Who is this, Enid?

		ENID
	It's supposed to be Don Knotts.

		ROBERTA
	And what was your reason for
	choosing him as your subject?

		ENID
	I dunno... I just like Don Knotts.

		ROBERTA
	I see... interesting...

She moves on.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	What do we have here, Margaret?

		MARGARET
	It's a tampon in a teacup...

Class GIGGLES.

		ROBERTA
	I can see that... now what can you
	tell us about it? First of all,
	what kind of sculpture is this?

		MARGARET
	It's a "found object"... that's
	when an artist takes an ordinary
	object and places it in an artistic
	context and thus it becomes art.

		ROBERTA
	Very good. Now, what can you tell
	us about it in regard to your
	artistic intent?

		MARGARET
	I guess I see the teacup as a
	symbol for womanhood, because of
	tea parties in the olden days, but
	instead of tea I was trying to kind
	of confront people with this...
	like...

		ROBERTA
	This shocking image of repressed
	femininity!

		MARGARET
	Right, exactly!

		ROBERTA
	I think it's really a wonderful
	piece, Margaret!

Enid gives Margaret another dirty look.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	This illustrates perfectly what I
	was saying about not being afraid
	to use controversial imagery,
	class...

EXT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - DUSK

Seymour drives. Enid plays with the radio stopping on an
obnoxious AM Disc Jockey.

		DISC JOCKEY
	KFTO comin' atchya on this
	beautiful evening.

		SEYMOUR
	God, that asshole's voice is so
	hateful! No wonder I never listen
	to the radio!

		ENID
		(shutting it off)
	Relax, Seymour, relax...

		SEYMOUR
	That thing is just so shrill and
	piercing and loud - it's like
	someone jabbing me in the face!
		(imitating insincere DJ
		 voice)
	KFTO comin' atchya on this
	beautiful evening...

She changes the subject and holds up a 78 record.

		ENID
	So, why did you bring this along?

		SEYMOUR
	I brought it for him to autograph.
	He's going to be amazed to see it -
	it's one of two known copies... I
	can't believe they have him for the
	opening act and not the headliner.
	What an insult!

		ENID
	This bar's going to be packed with
	girls for you to pick from.

		SEYMOUR
	I'm not holding my breath in that
	department.

Seymour waits at a stop sign for two OBLIVIOUS OVERWEIGHT
WOMEN, each with TODDLERS and baby carriages, to cross..

		SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
	What are we, in slow motion here?!
	What are ya, hypnotized? Have some
	more kids, why don't you?... For
	Christ's sake, would you move!?

		ENID
	Jesus, Seymour.

EXT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT

A marquee reads, "TONITE: BLUESHAMMER also FRED CHATMAN"

INT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT

FRED CHATMAN, age 82, plays an acoustic blues number. He's
good, but he's being politely ignored for the most part by
the TWENTY-SOMETHING PATRONS. Most of them are more
interested in a baseball game showing on a big-screen TV.

		SEYMOUR
	I can't believe these people! They
	could at least turn off their
	stupid sports game until he's done
	playing!

FRED finishes to POLITE APPLAUSE. An M.C. takes the mic.

		M.C.
	Let's hear it for Fred Chatman
		(a little more APPLAUSE)
	Hey don't go away because we've got
	Blueshammer coming up in just a
	minute!

A CUTE GIRL, mid-20's, stands near their table sipping her
drink. Enid nods in her direction for Seymour's benefit as if
to say, "check it out."

		SEYMOUR
	Yes, that would certainly do...

		ENID
	Well, offer her a seat! You want me
	to do it?

		SEYMOUR
	Wait a minute! Hang on! Jesus, I
	gotta think of something to talk to
	her about. No! No...

		ENID
	Just wait here.

Enid gets up before Seymour can stop her and talks to CUTE
GIRL who looks back at Seymour and smiles. She goes to join
him. Enid walks off in the direction of the bar, giving
Seymour a "thumbs up."

		CUTE GIRL
	Hi.

		SEYMOUR
	Hello. Uh... that was great music,
	huh?

		CUTE GIRL
		(sitting down)
	Yeah, I just love blues.

		SEYMOUR
	Actually, technically what he was
	mostly playing would more
	accurately be classified in the
	"ragtime" idiom. Although of course
	not in the strictest sense of the
	more classical ragtime piano music
	like that of Scott Joplin or Joseph
	Lamb. Authentic Blues has a more
	conventional twelve-bar structure
	in its stanzas.

		CUTE GIRL
	Oh if you like authentic blues,
	you've just gotta see Blueshammer!
	They're so great!

ANGLE ON: Enid standing alone at the bar. We see Seymour and
Cute Girl from her POV. Her gaze drifts to the other people
in the bar. WE MOVE OVER the faces of all the guys and stop
on a skinny, introverted-looking guy with a pool-cue. He
makes a shot and instantly goes into an ostentatious cue
twirling routine. Her gaze drifts on.

She sees herself in a mirror behind the bar and takes off her
hat reconfiguring her hair. She reaches into her purse and
puts on a bulkier pair of glasses. This is interrupted by
BLUESHAMMER taking the stage. Young, white, cocky, pretty
boys.

		LANCE
		(LEAD SINGER)
	All right people! Are you ready to
	BOOGIE? Cuz we gwine play you some
	authentic, way-down-in-the-delta
	blues to rock your world! One, Two,
	Three...

A din of loud noise. CUTE GIRL immediately leaps to her feet,
boogeying to the music.
Several horny ALPHA MALES press in on Seymour (who's still
sitting), spilling his drink as they vie to dance with her.
Seymour extricates himself from the table and walks toward
the bar where Enid sits.

		SEYMOUR
	What did you tell that girl?

		ENID
	I told her you were a big record
	executive and you were thinking of
	signing that band to your label.

		SEYMOUR
	Jesus...

INT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - NIGHT

		SEYMOUR
	Now I remember why I haven't gone
	anywhere in months. I'm not even in
	the same universe as those
	creatures back there. I might as
	well be from another planet.

		ENID
	We just need to figure out a place
	where you can meet somebody who
	isn't a total idiot, that's all.

		SEYMOUR
	Look, I really appreciate your
	help, Enid, but let's face it, this
	is hopeless.

		ENID
	It's not hopeless...

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, well it's simple for
	everybody else - give 'em a Big Mat
	and a pair of Nikes and they're
	happy! I just can't relate to 99.9%
	of humanity.

		ENID
	Yeah, well, I can't relate to
	humanity either, but I don't think
	it's totally hopeless...

		SEYMOUR
	But it's not totally hopeless for
	you... I've had it. I don't even
	have the energy to try anymore.
	You should make sure you do the
	exact opposite of everything I do
	so you don't end up like me...

		ENID
	I'd rather end up like you than
	those people at that stupid bar...
	At least you're an interesting
	person... at least you're not
	exactly like everybody else...

		SEYMOUR
	Hooray for me.

INT. SEYMOUR'S APT. - NIGHT

Enid walks in behind Seymour.

		SEYMOUR
	I'm not sure I have anything to
	drink... there might be some --

		ENID
	It doesn't matter, I'm not staying
	long... I just want to make sure I
	convince you not to give up yet.

		SEYMOUR
	"Yet."

INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

They both have drinks now. He puts on a jazz record, an
instrumental.

		ENID
		(picks up an antique knick
		 knack)
	Wow, this is so cool...

		SEYMOUR
	If you don't mind my asking -- why
	do you care so much if I get a date
	or not?

		ENID
	I dunno... because I can't stand
	the idea of a world where a guy
	like you can't get a date...

Enid finds a PAINTING leaning in a pile of stuff against the
wall in the corner. It's an old-fashioned cartoony stereotype
of a black man's head, with big lips and a huge toothy smile.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	What the fuck, Seymour?! What is
	this?

		SEYMOUR
	What?... Oh that... I borrowed that
	from work about fifteen years
	ago... I guess it's mine now.

		ENID
	What, are you a klansman or
	something?

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, right, I'm a klansman -
	thanks a lot!... Do you know the
	Cook's Chicken franchise?

		ENID
		(quoting TV commercial in
		 deep voice)
	"Four-piece Cook's special deep
	fried with side n' slaw it's OUT
	RAY-GEOUS"!

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, well "Cook's" is just a made
	up name. When they originally
	opened back in 1922 they were named
	"the Coon Chicken Inn" -- that's an
	early painting of their first logo.

He takes out a scrapbook.

		SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
	I'm obsessed with all this stuff -
	this lost culture of the 20th
	century.

She looks through the scrapbook - we see the Coon Chicken
logo transform first into a less stereotyped black man, then
into an older distinguished black chef with the logo "Cook's
Chicken Inn." Then to a white version of the same chef,
followed by a female white chef, then to a streamlined 90's
version. On another page is a collection of cosmetic labels
tracing the design evolution of a different company.

		ENID
	Why doesn't everybody know this?

The record ends. Seymour gets up to take it off the
turntable.

		SEYMOUR
		(somewhat bitterly)
	It's ancient history. The same
	reason nobody knows about this
	Lionel Belasco record.

He puts on another record.

		SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
	Actually, I was a whole lot more
	interested in the Cook's phenomenon
	when I was about your age. I've
	kind of lost interest since I've
	been working for them...

		ENID
	You work at Cook's Chicken?

		SEYMOUR
	For nineteen years...

		ENID
	What are you, a fry cook or
	something?

		SEYMOUR
	Nothing so glamorous... actually,
	I'm an assistant manager at their
	corporate headquarters.

		ENID
	Jesus, I'd go nuts if I had to work
	in an office all day.

		SEYMOUR
	Hey, I get good benefits, a good
	early retirement plan, nobody ever
	bothers me...

		ENID
	Yeah, but still...

		SEYMOUR
	I make enough money to eat and buy
	old records... what more do I want?

Enid puts down the scrapbook, stares at the painting.

		ENID
	So, I don't really get it -- are
	you saying that things were better
	back then
		(points at painting)
	even though there was stuff like
	this?

		SEYMOUR
	No, in a lot of ways things are
	better now... I dunno... it's
	complicated. Everybody still hates
	each other, but they know how to
	hide it better, or something...

		ENID
		(suddenly)
	Hey, can I borrow this?

		SEYMOUR
	What? Why?

		ENID
	I promise I'll take good care of
	it.

		SEYMOUR
	I dunno... they're very sensitive
	at work about all this stuff. Maybe
	it would be better if you --

		ENID
	Don't you trust me, Seymour?

INT. ART CLASS - DAY

We see another wall of student art dominated this time by
Enid's (Seymour's) 3' x 4' painting.

		ROBERTA
	Let's address some discussion to
	this piece.

		SNOTTY GIRL
	I don't like it.

		ROBERTA
	Can you tell us why?

		SNOTTY GIRL
	I don't know.

		HIPPY-ISH BOY
	I think it's totally weak.

		BLACK GIRL
	Yeah, it's not right.

More kids respond at once. Even Margaret is confused.

		ROBERTA
	These are all valid comments, but I
	think we should see if the artist
	has anything to bring to this.

		ENID
	Well, I got the idea when I was
	doing some research and I
	discovered that Cook's Chicken used
	to be called Coon's Chicken, and so
	I decided to do my project based on
	this discovery as kind of a comment
	on racism... and the way racism is
	whitewashed over in our culture...

		ROBERTA
	Did you actually do this painting?

		ENID
	Well, no - it's more like a "found
	art object."

		ROBERTA
	And how do you think this addresses
	the subject of racism?

		ENID
	It's complicated... I guess I'm
	trying to show how racism used to --
	more out in the open and now it's
	hidden, or something...

		ROBERTA
	And how does an image like this
	help us to see that?

		ENID
	I'm not sure... I mean...
		(thinks)
	I guess because when we see
	something like this it seems really
	shocking and we have to figure out
	why it's so shocking?

A long pause as Roberta and the class stare at the painting.

		ROBERTA
	I don't really know what to say,
	Enid...
		(another over-long pause)
	... It's a remarkable achievement.

INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING

Enid is lying on her back with her head on Rebecca's stomach.
Both stare blankly at the ceiling.

		REBECCA
	Are you kidding? It's a dream job!
	I can't believe you got a job like
	that without even trying... God, I
	wish that was my job...

		ENID
		(trying to generate some
		 enthusiasm)
	Yeah, maybe it'll be okay. At least
	I'll get to see every movie for
	free, I guess... I had to lie and
	tell them I already graduated...

		REBECCA
	When are you finally going to get
	your diploma?

		ENID
	I dunno, but next week is my last
	class...

		REBECCA
	Anyway, now we can start looking
	for the apartment...
		(waits for some response
		 from Enid, but there is
		 none)
	Do you remember when we first came
	up with that whole idea of renting
	our own apartment?

		ENID
	Wasn't it like eighth grade?

		REBECCA
	Seventh... you wanted to move out
	right then!

		ENID
	That must have been when my dad was
	married to Maxine...

		REBECCA
	I remember our big plan was as soon
	as we got the apartment we were
	going to trick Daniel Dusentrieb
	into coming over and then fuck him.

		ENID
	We were such desperate sluts back
	then.

INT. PACIFIC THEATER - AFTERNOON

Enid is behind the candy counter dressed in a brown and
orange uniform.

		MANAGER
	I'm gonna let you handle the four
	thirty crowd by yourself - that way
	I can evaluate your performance
	while it's slow and ease you into
	the bigger crowds.

		ENID
	You can count on me, sir!

A customer, an ALCOHOLIC LOSER, approaches the candy counter.

		LOSER
	Do you serve beer or any alcohol?

		ENID
	I wish!... actually you wish...
	after about five minutes of this
	movie you'll wish to God you had
	about ten beers!

LOSER stares blankly, hesitates, then goes into theater.

		MANAGER
		(pulling her aside)
	What are you doing? You don't ever
	criticize the feature!

		ENID
	Why? What difference does it make?
	You already got his money...

		MANAGER
	Look, that's the policy... if you
	want to make up your own rules you
	can open your own theater...

		ENID
	But I was only trying to be
	friendly...

		MANAGER
	Look, we don't pay you to be a
	movie critic -- just do your job.

		ENID
	Okay, okay... I won't say a word...

ANOTHER ANGLE - an hour has gone by.

		CUSTOMER
	Medium popcorn.

		ENID
	That's three dollars.

		CUSTOMER
	Let me have plenty of butter on
	that.

		ENID
	Ewww!...
		(making a face)
	Here you go -- smothered in
	delicious yellow-chemical sludge!

		MANAGER
		(pulling her aside)
	What the hell is wrong with you?!

		ENID
	What? I'm just kidding around with
	the customers... It's my shtick!

		MANAGER
	Well lose it! And why aren't you
	pushing the large sizes? Didn't you
	get training about upsizing?

		ENID
	But I feel weird... it's so sleazy.

		MANAGER
	It's not optional!

		ENID
	Jesus...

		CUSTOMER #2
	Can I get a medium sprite?

		ENID
	A medium sprite? Why sir, do you
	not know that for a mere twenty
	five cents more you could purchase
	a large beverage that has a volume
	of over twice that of a puny medium
	drink?
		(she gives MANAGER a look)
	... I'm only telling you this
	because we're such good friends --
	Medium is strictly for suckers who
	don't understand the concept of
	value!

INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY

Rebecca is behind the counter glaring at Enid.

		REBECCA
	What are you talking about? What
	kind of loser gets fired after one
	day?!

		ENID
	I told you - my manager was a total
	asshole! Don't worry, I'm going to
	get another job... and anyway, I
	have some ideas for how to make
	money in the meantime...

An angry CUSTOMER returns with her drink.

		CUSTOMER
	I'm not at all happy with this
	latte what do you intend to do
	about it?

EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

It's the next day. Enid has set up a GARAGE SALE in front of
her apartment building. Rebecca arrives.

		REBECCA
	This is it? I can't believe you're
	selling some of this stuff.

		ENID
	Fuck it. Everything must go!

		REBECCA
	Oh my god, I remember this hat...
	this was during your little old
	lady phase...

A trendy young HIPSTER happens along and looks through the
clothes, then to the table where he picks up a ridiculous
looking stuffed animal.

		HIPSTER
	How much is this?

		ENID
	That's not for sale.

		HIPSTER
		(noticing price tag)
	Wait, it says five dollars...

		ENID
	Oh, that's a mistake -- I decided
	not to sell it...

The HIPSTER looks around a little more and then leaves.

		REBECCA
	What was that all about? I thought
	everything must go!

		ENID
	Oh yeah right, like I'm gonna let
	some asshole with a goatee own
	Goofy Gus.

A couple is browsing. The GIRL, a severely skinny, CLUBHOPPER
TYPE in platform shoes looks at the clothes; the BOY, a long
haired SKATEBOARDER, goes through her records.

		GIRL
	How much is this dress?

		REBECCA
	Oh my god, you're selling that?

		ENID
		(long pause)
	That's five hundred dollars.

		GIRL
	What?

		ENID
	Five hundred.

		GIRL
	You're crazy -- it should be like
	two dollars!

		ENID
	I was wearing that dress the day I
	lost my virginity.

		GIRL
	Well why do I care about that?

		ENID
	Why do you even want it?. It would
	look stupid on you.

		GIRL
	God, fuck you!

Enid turns to the boy - he's holding some records and a book.

		ENID
	Put that stuff back, it's not for
	sale.

		BOY
	What is this? Some fuckin' joke?

		ENID
	Yes! Go away!

They stomp off.

		REBECCA
	Now are you going to get a regular
	job?

		ENID
		(defeated, quiet)
	Don't worry.

		REBECCA
	If it makes you feel any better, I
	don't think you could've gotten
	more than ten bucks for all this
	stuff.

		ENID
	Yeah, thanks.

EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

Twenty minutes later. Most of the stuff is gone. Enid packs
up one last box to carry inside.

		REBECCA
	Do you want to do something
	tonight?

		ENID
	I can't, it's Seymour's birthday...
		(suddenly)
	Shit! What time is it? I have to go
	to the store! I was going to make
	him a cake...

		REBECCA
		(miffed, sighs)
	Well, are we still going shopping
	tomorrow?

		ENID
	Yeah, I guess... call me...

She heads toward the stairs with the box. Rebecca watches her
go.

		REBECCA
	Since when can you make a cake?

INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - EVENING

Enid presents Seymour with a HOSTESS CUPCAKE with a single
lit candle in the center. The lights are off.

		ENID
	You can open your eyes now.

		SEYMOUR
	Oh... uh, thanks a lot Enid... I
	really appreciate it...

		ENID
	No, Doofus... blow it out!

He leans forward and blows out the candle, then abruptly
straightens up and holds the small of his back in pain. Enid
turns the lights back on.

		SEYMOUR
	Arrrghhh! Ah Jeez... Christ...

		ENID
	Are you okay?

		SEYMOUR
	It's just my stupid back. I'll be
	all right in a minute...

She notices him adjust something under his shirt.

		ENID
	What is that?

		SEYMOUR
	Oh... uh... It's just this elastic
	thing I have to wear for lumbar
	support...

		ENID
	What, like a girdle?

		SEYMOUR
	Maybe now you understand why I
	can't get a date.

		ENID
	Yeah, well, you're not the only one
	Everybody I know has totally fucked
	up problems... It seems like only
	stupid people have good
	relationships...

		SEYMOUR
		(sarcastically cheering
		 her on)
	That's the spirit!

		ENID
	I mean, I'm eighteen years old and
	I've never even had a real, steady
	boyfriend for more than like two
	weeks!

		SEYMOUR
	Really?

		ENID
	Never...

		SEYMOUR
	I'm starting to think that even if
	I did get a girlfriend it really
	wouldn't change anything.

		ENID
	I know. It's not like it makes all
	your problems go away.

		SEYMOUR
	Then again, that's easy for me to
	say, since I'll never even get a
	date. I'm sure you have hundreds of
	guys who are interested in you.

		ENID
	Actually, I've got a total crush on
	this one guy right now, but it's a
	really fucked-up situation...

		SEYMOUR
	Oh yeah?

		ENID
	Oh wait, you met him... remember
	that guy Josh? I'm like practically
	obsessed with him, but I can't do
	anything about it because Becky
	would freak out.

		SEYMOUR
	Why?

		ENID
	Never mind, it's way too
	complicated...
		(pause)
	Did you have problems like this
	when you were my age - where you're
	totally confused all the time?

		SEYMOUR
	I won't even dignify that with a
	response.

He gets up and looks through his shelves for a record.

		ENID
		(looking at his records)
	I wonder if you really like all
	these old records or if you only
	like the fact that nobody else
	likes them?

		SEYMOUR
		(a sore subject)
	Who knows?

The phone RINGS. Seymour ignores it.

		ENID
	Aren't you going to get that?

		SEYMOUR
	Let the machine get it. I have no
	desire to talk to anyone who would
	be calling me...

After several more RINGS the machine picks up and we hear
Seymour's message. After the BEEP there's a long fumbling
pause...

		SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
	I knew it... it's my mother.

		VOICE ON MACHINE
	Uh... HI! Uh... I'm calling for...
	um... you placed an ad in the
	Weekly over a month ago and...
	well, I'm the redhead in the yellow
	dress... at least I think I am... I
	saw the ad when you first placed it
	but I was in this relationship at
	the time so I cut it out, and now
	I'm not in the relationship
	anymore...
		(giggles)
	God, this is really confusing...
	anyway, if you still want to talk
	to me I can be reached at KL5-2603,
	that's my work number and my name
	is Dana... um... BYE!

		ENID
	Wow!
		(feigning ignorance)
	What was that all about?

		SEYMOUR
	It's just somebody's idea of a
	joke...

		ENID
	That didn't sound like a joke to
	me... what, did you write a
	personal ad or something?

		SEYMOUR
		(still confused)
	Uh yeah. A long time ago... she
	called before once... it's just
	somebody trying to humiliate me.

		ENID
	Seymour! I promise you that wasn't
	a joke -- you have to call her
	back!

		SEYMOUR
	How can you be so sure?

		ENID
	Well, uh... I'm an expert-about
	stuff like this -- she was totally
	for real!

INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - ABOUT 10 PM

Enid enters - a light is on in the kitchen.

		DAD (O.S.)
	Pumpkin? Could you come in here for
	a minute?

She walks slowly to the kitchen - a suspenseful moment. She
sees, first, her Dad (wearing an apron) and then, a
hauntingly familiar MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.

		DAD (CONT'D)
	Pumpkin, do you remember Maxine?

		MAXINE
	Hi, Enid.

		ENID
	Hi.
		(to Dad)
	Look, I'm kind of tired - I think
	I'll go to bed.

		DAD
	I made spaghetti. Do you want some?

		ENID
	I-I really have to get up early for
	class tomorrow.

		MAXINE
	It's really quite something to see
	you all grown up like this, Enid.
		(no response from Enid)
	I'd love to hear about what you're
	doing. I can't help but feel that I
	had some small part in how you
	turned out...
		(another silent pause)
	What are you studying? You were
	always such a smart little girl.

		ENID
	I'm taking a remedial high school
	art class for fuck-ups and retards.

INT. ART CLASS - DAY

A toothy, zit-covered 14-YEAR-OLD BOY poses with a very
poorly-made sculpture. A flash goes off and he jumps
slightly, sending pieces of his sculpture flying.
It's Roberta, taking photos. She moves on to Enid, in front
of her big painting.

		ROBERTA
	Smile, Enid...

Enid ad-libs a weird expression as... the flash goes off.
Roberta now turns to address the class.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	I'm going to miss you people... I
	feel that we've all done a lot of
	growing this summer. I hope that
	each of you feels as though you'll
	be taking away something from this
	experience; I know I certainly will
	be...

A long "poignant" pause as she smiles admiringly at them.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	Remember, the art show is this
	Saturday at seven-thirty sharp. Try
	to get there at least 15 minutes
	early.

The students get their things together and file out.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	Enid, can I talk to you for a
	minute?

		ENID
	Uh-oh.

		ROBERTA
	Don't worry - it's nothing bad. I
	was just wondering what your plans
	were for next year?

		ENID
	I'm not really sure - working, I
	guess...

		ROBERTA
	Well, I know this is really short
	notice, but I got a call from a
	very close friend at the Academy of
	Art & Design and she tells me that
	I'm allowed to place one student
	from your graduating class in a one
	year scholarship program...
	and, well, I hope you don't mind,
	Enid, but I took the liberty of
	submitting your name.

She gives her a booklet and an application form.

		ENID
	Hmm.

		ROBERTA
	As far as I know it includes
	housing and meals and everything...
	it is really quite an offer...

		ENID
	... wow...

		ROBERTA
		(pause)
	So what do you think?

		ENID
	I dunno... Would I have to take
	classes and stuff?

		ROBERTA
	Well, yes...

		ENID
	I...

		ROBERTA
	Let me know as soon as you can,
	Enid. This could be a great thing
	for you.

INT. INDOOR SHOPPING MALL - DAY

Enid & Rebecca are in a Crate & Barrel-type store looking at
housewares.

		ENID
	I think one of us should fuck
	Josh...

		REBECCA
	Go ahead...

		ENID
	No, really...

		REBECCA
	God, you're really obsessed...

		ENID
	I am not -- I just think it'd be
	funny to see what he'd do...

		REBECCA
	I thought we decided that Josh was
	way too cool to be interested in
	sex, and that he's the only decent
	person left in the world and we
	would never want to bring him down
	to our level and all that...

		ENID
	Yeah, but maybe one of us should at
	least try...

		REBECCA
	No matter what happened it would be
	a big disaster... Let's just try
	and keep everything the way it is.

Rebecca spots some particularly fetching dishware.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	Look, we have to get these...

		ENID
	I can't afford stuff like this
	right now.

		REBECCA
	I'm sick of waiting - we need to
	start getting stuff if we're ever
	going to move.
		(pause, sees towels)
	Aren't these the greatest towels?

		ENID
	Why do you care about this kind of
	stuff?

		REBECCA
	Don't you want nice stuff?

		ENID
	I can't imagine spending money on
	towels.

		REBECCA
	You don't have to. I'll pay for all
	the stuff right now and you can pay
	me back when you finally get a job.

		ENID
	You're insane.

		REBECCA
	Do you still want to go to that
	thing tonight?

		ENID
	What thing?

		REBECCA
	That guy's band is playing
	tonight... Alien Autopsy.

		ENID
	Oh yeah... maybe... Seymour's going
	on his big date tonight and I kind
	of want to be around when he calls,
	so I can hear how bad it went.

		REBECCA
	God, I'm so sick of Seymour.

INT. DANA'S APARTMENT - EVENING

Seymour is just finishing the dinner DANA has cooked for them
at her place. Dana is an attractive redhead, about 40.

		SEYMOUR
	That was great - jeez, thanks again
	for cooking all this.

		DANA
	Oh I love to cook. I guess most
	women wouldn't invite a man over on
	the first date, but I believe you
	should trust your instincts. When I
	talked to you on the phone you just
	seemed so... I don't know...
	harmless. Ready for ice cream?

Dana heads for the kitchen. Seymour gets up to relieve his
backache. He walks over to a framed photo on the wall.

		DANA (CONT'D)
	Here we are... it's mocha mint from
	Lickety Splits. Oh, isn't that
	photograph just heart-rending?

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah ... where is this? Bosnia?

		DANA
	Was it Bosnia? I forget...
		(pause)
	It's so sad, the tragedy of an
	entire country eloquently captured
	in the face of one little boy.
		(pause)

A Soul/Funk song starts up on the radio that catches her
attention. She goes over and turns it up.

		DANA (CONT'D)
	Oh, I just love this song! Isn't it
	great? Doesn't it make you want to
	dance? C'mon!

		SEYMOUR
	Uh, well, that's okay - I don't
	dance, heh, heh...

		DANA
	Don't be silly, anyone can dance.
	Here, just follow me... watch my
	feet.

		SEYMOUR
	No, really I --

She drags him around. He's still holding his ice cream.

		DANA
	C'mon Seymour, it's all in your
	mind. Just loosen up and feel the
	music! Here, put down your bowl of
	ice cream.

She takes his ice cream and puts it on a table.

		SEYMOUR
		(checking his watch)
	Hey, it's nearly nine already -
	we're gonna have to leave now if
	we're going to make that movie.

		DANA
	Oh, all right... Party-pooper! Just
	let me put a few things away.

She shuts off the stereo as he sits and eats his ice cream.

		DANA (CONT'D)
	I'm so excited to see this film -
	Dustoffvarnya is such a brilliant
	director! Did you see his last
	film, The Flower That Drank The
	Moon? It was simply glorious!

		SEYMOUR
	Uh, no. I missed that one. But what
	do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy
	movies.

		DANA
	Really? I never really cared for
	those. Why does the fat one always
	have to be so mean to the skinny
	one?

INT. ENID'S ROOM - EVENING

It's 9:30 PM. Enid is drawing in her sketchbook. She looks
impatiently at the phone. Time passes - it's 11 PM. She can't
stand it anymore.

INT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Seymour picks up the phone. Dana is in the background getting
some ice in the kitchen.

		SEYMOUR
	Uh... hello?

		ENID
	Hi, it's me...

		SEYMOUR
	Oh, hi...

		ENID
	So, what happened?

		SEYMOUR
		(almost whispering)
	Actually, it's kind of still
	happening... she's over here right
	now... I think everything's going
	pretty well...

		ENID
	What? You're kidding me...

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, so I better go -- it's not
	really the best time to talk...

		ENID
	What, are you going to like have
	sex with her on your first date?

		SEYMOUR
	Jesus, Enid... I'll talk to you
	later... bye!

He hangs up. Enid is stunned... Now what? She calls Rebecca.

INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Rebecca is sitting on the couch in her pajamas when the phone
RINGS. She picks it up.

		REBECCA
	Hello?

		ENID
	Do you still want to do something
	tonight?

		REBECCA
	What happened to Seymour?

		ENID
		(still shocked by this)
	I can't believe it - he actually
	scored!

		REBECCA
	How repulsive!

		ENID
	So should I come over?

		REBECCA
	Actually, I'm just about to go out
	with some friends...

		ENID
	What are you talking about? Who?

		REBECCA
	Just some people from work...

		ENID
	I don't believe you.

		REBECCA
	Yeah well, you said you were
	busy... look, I'd better get
	going... I'll call you tomorrow.

Rebecca hangs up. Clearly, she's not going anywhere.

EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Enid stands outside Josh's door. A tentative pause; then she
knocks. Josh opens the door, stunned. Enid is wearing an
uncharacteristically "sexy" outfit.

		JOSH
	Hi... what's up?

		ENID
	Can I come in?

INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

She goes in and looks around nervously... the note (Tiffany &
Amber) is tacked to the wall.

		JOSH
	Are you the one who left that note?

		ENID
	I guess.

Pause. Enid sits down on futon/sofa.

		JOSH
	So what's up?

He picks up half-finished beer and drinks self-consciously.

		ENID
	I don't know... I'm totally
	confused...

Josh doesn't respond - there's another awkward pause.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Sit over here.

He sits, tentatively. Long pause.

		JOSH
	Do you want something to drink?

		ENID
	Why?

		JOSH
	What do you mean "why"?

		ENID
	Are you trying to get me wasted so
	you can take advantage of my
	womanly charms?

		JOSH
	Yeah, right...

		ENID
	"Yeah, right"... well why not?
	What's so wrong with me?

		JOSH
	Nothing.

		ENID
	Then why do you hate me so much?

		JOSH
	When did I say I hated you?

		ENID
	You've never once said anything
	even remotely nice to me.

		JOSH
	You make me nervous! I always feel
	like you're going out of your way
	to make me feel uncomfortable so
	you can laugh at me!

		ENID
	That's just the way I am!

		JOSH
	Yeah, well --

		ENID
	It's just my stupid way of getting
	attention! God, I practically love
	you, Josh!

Stunned pause, then she bravely leans forward and kisses him.
He kisses back but she is clearly the aggressor... they get
more and more into it.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Do you have any protection?

INT. JOSH'S APT. - 1 AM.

Later, post-coital on the now unfolded futon... Enid lies on
her back, Josh is face-down on top of her with his head to
the side. Enid has a blank, disillusioned stare.

		JOSH
		(now he's romantic and
		 sappy)
	You must have known all along how I
	-- you know -- how I felt about you
	-- it must be totally obvious...
	God... I always used to dream about
	this...

		ENID
		(staring ahead)
	Why do you have that stupid poster?

INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - DAY

It's the next morning. Josh is asleep. Enid, fully awake and
dressed, sits on the bed looking at him, thoroughly
disillusioned. She pulls out a record from his collection and
grimaces. She opens a closet door and finds an electric
guitar.

		JOSH
		(waking up, groggy,
		 happily surprised)
	Oh, hi...

		ENID
	Why do all guys have to,play stupid
	guitars? It's so typical... Either
	they're into cars or guns or sports
	or guitars... it's so obvious...

		JOSH
	How long have you been up?

		ENID
	I couldn't sleep... I should get
	going; I feel really weird...

		JOSH
	Do you want to go get breakfast
	somewhere?

		ENID
	I don't think we should... Look,
	you have to totally promise me you
	won't tell Becky about this.

		JOSH
	Why not?

		ENID
	Because if you do, I'll kill you!

		JOSH
	Okay... I promise.

		ENID
	Just take my word for it... if she
	ever finds out about this I'll
	never hear the end of it...

INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - DAY

Rebecca is dressed in her best apartment-hunting outfit. She
sits on her bed, dialing the phone with the FREE WEEKLY open
on her lap. She circles something with her pen while the
phone rings.

		REBECCA
	Goddammit, bitch -- where are you?

INT. ENID'S BEDROOM -DAY

Enid lies perfectly still on her bed, staring at the ceiling
while the phone rings.

EXT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME

Establish the restaurant.

INT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME

Seymour sits alone eating lunch. We see Enid approach
stealthily from behind.

		ENID
	Boo!

		SEYMOUR
		(very startled)
	YAAA!

She sits across from him.

		ENID
	Where have you been? I've been
	looking all over for you... I've
	been wandering the streets day and
	night trying to find you...

		SEYMOUR
	Really?

		ENID
	No, actually Joe told me you were
	here... so how come you never call
	me anymore?

		SEYMOUR
	I know, I'm sorry... I-I've been
	really busy...

		ENID
	Yeah, I'll bet! So, how's it going
	with what's-her-name? Dana?

		SEYMOUR
		(he looks nervously at his
		 watch)
	Oh... pretty well, surprisingly...
	you know...

		ENID
	So, what kind of stuff do you guys
	do together? Is she into old
	records and stuff?

		SEYMOUR
	Sort of... she doesn't dislike any
	of that stuff... she's trying,
	anyway... actually, we're supposed
	to go antique shopping for her
	apartment this afternoon...

		ENID
		(not convinced)
	Sounds good...

Seymour looks again at his watch.

		SEYMOUR
	We really should get together
	sometime soon... I-I'll definitely
	call you this week --

		ENID
	What, are you trying to get rid of
	me?

		SEYMOUR
	No... no, it's just that I should
	get going in a few minutes, and --

		ENID
	Aren't you even going to ask me how
	I'm doing?

		SEYMOUR
	I-I'm sorry... uh so... uh... how --

		ENID
	I dunno... okay, I guess...
		(pause)
	I fucked that gay Josh finally...

		SEYMOUR
	... so... is he your boyfriend now?

		ENID
	Maybe... I dunno... He wants to be,
	of course. I'm weighing several
	offers at the present time...

Suddenly, Dana enters.

		DANA
	Seymour?... uh... hello... I guess
	I'm a little early...

		SEYMOUR
	Dana! Hi!
		(pause as the gears whirl)
	Uh, Dana... this is Enid...

		DANA
	Hello...

		ENID
	It's great to finally meet you!

Dana sits next to Seymour, facing Enid.

		DANA
		(looking back and forth
		 between Enid and Seymour)
	How do you two know each other?

		ENID
	I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned
	me we're old friends.

		DANA
	Really?

		ENID
	Yes, we're very close... In fact, I
	was standing right next to Seymour
	the first time you called. If not
	for me, he would have never called
	you back!

		DANA
	Is that right?

Seymour begins to stammer some kind of response.

		ENID
		(phony)
	Oops! Look at the time! I've got to
	run! I'll stop by to see you some
	time, Seymour...
		(then to Dana)
	It was really great to meet you!

INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT EVENING

Enid is in her room getting dressed. Dad enters.

		DAD
	I have some good news for you,
	Pumpkin.

		ENID
		(sigh)
	What is it now?

		DAD
	Are you still looking for a job?

		ENID
	I guess.

		DAD
	Well, Maxine thinks she can get you
	a sales job at Computer Station.
	Normally you have to have
	references and at least two years
	of experience, but she thinks she
	can convince them.

		ENID
	Tell her to forget it - I don't
	need her help.

INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - EVENING

A homemade banner reads: "HIGH SCHOOL ART SHOW - BROTHERHOOD
AND COMMUNITY: ART AS DIALOGUE." Along one wall is all the
work from Roberta's class: a collection of eccentric abstract
bric-a-brac and Enid's large painting. The painting has drawn
a small crowd. We see a chain of events beginning with three
PARENTS talking to a matronly DIRECTOR/CURATOR who in turn
seeks out Roberta (wearing make-up and fancy-ish clothes for
the first time).

		DIRECTOR
	I'm afraid you're simply going to
	have to take that painting down.
	Several of the parents have
	complained.

		ROBERTA
	I will do no such thing.

		DIRECTOR
	Then you leave me no other choice
	than to remove it myself!

She marches towards it. Roberta runs after her.

		ROBERTA
	I think we should give the artist a
	chance to talk to the parents about
	her intentions with this piece...
	We should be promoting discussion
	as a solution, not censorship.

Roberta sees Margaret and grabs her.

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	Margaret, have you seen Enid?

Margaret shrugs "no." ROBERTA looks through the crowd. A
college-age news-hack-type with a FREE WEEKLY T-SHIRT snaps a
photo of the DIRECTOR removing Enid's painting.

EXT. SEYMOUR'S APT. BLDG. - EVENING

Enid, dressed as though for a glamorous date, stands knocking
on Seymour's door.

		SEYMOUR
	Oh... uh, hi... What's up?

INT. SEYMOUR'S PLACE - CONTINUOUS

Enid worms her way past his unwelcoming stance. Seymour is
wearing designer stone-washed denim jeans that look
ridiculous on him. Joe can be seen in the kitchen.

		ENID
	I'm going to this stupid art show
	and I want you to be my date...
	There's something I have to show
	you...

		SEYMOUR
	I... I don't know. I don't really
	think I should...

		ENID
	Of course you should. C'mon, I'm
	already a million hours late.

		SEYMOUR
	... I better not...

		ENID
		(pause)
	Well forget the art show... let's
	do something else.

		SEYMOUR
	I... i wish I could, Enid, but I
	really can't right now... I -- it's
	just that I --

		ENID
	Well when can we do something?

		SEYMOUR
	It's just that, well, you know,
	Dana just got out of a really bad
	relationship and I don't want to
	give her the wrong idea... you
	know...

		JOE
		(walking by with his
		 sandwich)
	Don't mind me, I'll just be in my
	room.

		ENID
	Where did you get those pants?

		SEYMOUR
	Oh, uh... they were a present from
	Dana.

		ENID
	And you like them?

		SEYMOUR
	Well, you know... what do I know
	about clothes... I've never been
	the most fashionable guy -- it's
	nice to have someone do all the
	work for me...

		ENID
		(pause)
	So that's it? You don't ever want
	to see me again?

		SEYMOUR
	No, of course I do... It's just
	that right now I need to --

		ENID
	What's her problem anyway? Did she
	actually tell you you couldn't see
	me?

		SEYMOUR
	No, no... not exactly... she just
	doesn't understand how I would know
	somebody like you...

		ENID
	What does she mean by that -
	"somebody like me"?

		SEYMOUR
	Just someone so young...

		ENID
	You must have done something to
	make her think you like me.

		SEYMOUR
	I... I don't think so.

		ENID
	Does that mean you don't like me?

		SEYMOUR
	No, of course not.

		ENID
		(looks him in the eye)
	So, do you like me, Seymour?

		SEYMOUR
	In what way do you mean?

		ENID
	In whatever way you think I mean.

		SEYMOUR
	(not sure what to say; long pause)
	I don't know... I'm sorry, but
	Dana's a very jealous person. I
	just don't want to screw that up
	right now... I'm sure she'll dump
	me soon and we can go back to being
	friends...

		ENID
	I don't think you understand how I
	really feel about you, Seymour.

		SEYMOUR
	... What do you mean?

		ENID
		(pause)
	Nothing. Don't worry, I won't
	bother you any more.

EXT. ENID'S NEIGHBORHOOD - EVENING

A LONG SHOT of Enid as she walks home alone.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Enid & Rebecca walk down the street. Both wear landlord
friendly J. Crew outfits.

		ENID
	Where are we? This is a weird
	neighborhood...

		REBECCA
	It's a totally normal, average
	neighborhood!

		ENID
	I just mean it's weird to me...
	I've never been anywhere near here
	in my life.

		REBECCA
	Josh says this is a really good
	neighborhood...

		ENID
	What? When did you see Josh?!

		REBECCA
	He came into work.

		ENID
	Why? What did he say?

		REBECCA
	Nothing.

		ENID
	When was this?

		REBECCA
	I don't know! God, don't act so
	jealous I only talked to him for
	two minutes.

They walk along in conspicuous silence.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	Twenty-seven fifty-three... do you
	see it?
		(looks around)
	That must be it...

		ENID
		(without enthusiasm)
	Great...

		REBECCA
	What?! It looks totally normal...
	what's wrong with it?

		ENID
	I said "great"...

		REBECCA
	Oh yeah, I can tell you really love
	it!

		ENID
	Well, what am I supposed to say? "I
	can't wait to live in some
	depressing shit-hole in the middle
	of nowhere"?!

		REBECCA
	There's something wrong with every
	single place we look at! Why don't
	you just come right out and tell me
	you don't want to move in with me?!

		ENID
	Because you'll freak out and act
	like a total psycho about it.

A few passersby stop to watch.

		REBECCA
	You're the psycho! You haven't been
	able to deal with anything since
	high school ended!

		ENID
	You're the one who's still living
	out some stupid seventh-grade
	fantasy!

		REBECCA
		(as she walks away giving
		 her the finger)
	FUCK YOU! Have fun living with your
	dad for the rest of your life!

INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

Enid is on her bed, crying. Her jacket and shoes are strewn
about the floor.

		ENID
	God FUCK YOU TOO!

We see her Dad standing outside her bedroom. As he enters he
tries to make enough noise so that she notices him before she
really embarrasses herself. She stops crying and pretends to
be asleep.

		DAD
	Pumpkin? What's wrong?

		ENID
		(her back to him, doesn't
		 move)
	Nothing.

Dad sits next to her on the bed and puts his hand on her
shoulder.

		DAD
	If there's something wrong I wish
	you'd tell me about it...

Enid pulls away from him and sits up on the opposite side of
the bed, facing away from him

		ENID
	It's nothing -- it's just some
	hormonal thing... don't worry about
	it...

		DAD
	I've got some important news to
	tell you, but it can wait till
	later if you're not feeling...

		ENID
	What?

		DAD
		(speaking slowly and
		 methodically)
	Well... as you know, Maxine and I
	have been seeing a lot of each
	other, and we decided it might be a
	good idea for all of us if she came
	back here to live at the end of the
	Summer, just so we can all get to
	know each other and to make sure
	this is what we want.

Enid maintains a poker face for several long seconds before
she bursts into tears, utterly defeated.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL - DAY

Enid, determined, walks down the empty halls. She goes into a
room marked "Art Class".

INT. ART CLASS - CONTINUOUS

Roberta is in there with a bearded EX-HIPPY COLLEAGUE.
They're covering a STUDENT in plaster.

		ENID
	Hi I brought over my application
	for the art academy... I hope it's
	not too late...

Roberta, absorbed in her plastering, glances at Enid.

		ROBERTA
	Just a minute...

Then, realizing who it is...

		ROBERTA (CONT'D)
	Enid! I'm so sorry about what
	happened.

		ENID
	What do you mean?

		ROBERTA
	The whole business with the art
	show and the newspaper -- it's
	absolutely --

		ENID
	Huh?

		ROBERTA
	Didn't Principal Jaffee call you?

		ENID
	I didn't check my messages...

		ROBERTA
	Oh my goodness... well, the whole
	thing is just ridiculous, and as
	soon as the school board is back in
	session next Fall I'm going to do
	everything I can to help you.

		ENID
	Help me what?

		ROBERTA
	Well they're forcing me to give you
	a non-passing grade in the class
	because of what happened at the
	exhibition... but don't worry --
	I'm sure I'll be able to get you
	your diploma in the Fall!

		ENID
		(pause, overwhelmed)
	But... can I still get that
	scholarship to the Art Academy?

		ROBERTA
	I'm sorry, Enid - you have to be an
	official high school graduate
	before I can nominate you.
	I had to give it to someone else...
	But I'm sure next year I can --

The PLASTER-COVERED STUDENT makes an uncomfortable moaning
noise.

		EX-HIPPY COLLEAGUE
		(flustered, to Roberta)
	Hey, can you help me out over here?

EXT. QUALITY CAFE - EVENING (SAME DAY)

Enid walks the streets - it's dark out now. She goes by the
Cafe - it's CLOSED FOR REMODELING.

EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - LATER

She continues walking until she's across the street from
Norman's bus stop. She sees him there, as always. Suddenly, a
BUS, well-lit from the inside and completely empty, pulls up
to the stop and Norman gets on.

INT. SEYMOUR'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (ABOUT 11 PM)

A knock on the door - Seymour shuffles out in T-shirt, pants,
and goofy slippers. He looks through the peephole and sees
Enid. He opens the door.

		SEYMOUR
	What are you doing here?

		ENID
	I had to see you.

		SEYMOUR
	What's up?

		ENID
	Can you at least let me in?

		SEYMOUR
	Uh... sure... come in.

		ENID
		(crying)
	Look, I just need somebody to be
	nice to me for five minutes and
	then I'll leave you alone.

		SEYMOUR
	What's the matter?

		ENID
	Do you have anything to drink?

Enid goes to look for herself.

		SEYMOUR
	Uh... I think there's some root
	beer...

		ENID
	What about this?

She returns from the kitchen with a giant bottle of
champagne.

		SEYMOUR
	That's Dana's - I'm supposed to be
	saving it for our two-month
	anniversary. You better not --

		ENID
		(as she starts opening)
	FUCK DANA. I'm sick of Dana.

She opens it and drinks straight from the bottle. Seymour's
look says: "Oh well, I'm fucked, I give up."

INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

Enid & Seymour sit on the bed listening to old records and
drinking out of the bottle.

		ENID
	You need a bigger place - this is
	like a little kid's room.

		SEYMOUR
	I could never move - I've got too
	much stuff.

Enid notices an extremely ugly modern sculpture in the
corner. She goes over and picks it up.

		ENID
	Where did you get this?

		SEYMOUR
	Dana bought it when we went antique
	shopping. She said it didn't go
	with her stuff, so she gave it to
	me... she thought it fit in better
	with my "old time thingamajigs."

		ENID
	Jesus, how can you stand her?

Seymour takes another slug off the bottle.

		SEYMOUR
	God, she's going to kill me... this
	bottle is half-empty!

		ENID
	That's great! "Half-empty" - that's
	what I like about you, Seymour,
	you're a natural pessimist!

		SEYMOUR
	If you expect the worst, you're
	never disappointed.

		ENID
	What are you talking about? You're
	disappointed every minute of your
	life.

		SEYMOUR
	I'm just being realistic.

		ENID
	At least you're not like every
	other stupid guy in the world - all
	they care about are guitars and
	sports... they're all such fags!

		SEYMOUR
	I hate sports.

		ENID
	How come in all that time I was
	trying to get you a date, you never
	asked me out?

		SEYMOUR
	You're a beautiful young girl... I
	can't imagine you would ever have
	had any interest in me, except as
	an amusingly cranky eccentric
	curiosity.

		ENID
	Yeah, but still... it's kind of
	insulting for a girl to be ignored
	like that.

		SEYMOUR
	I mean... of course I... why
	wouldn't I want to go out with you?

		ENID
	I dunno... I always feel like
	everybody secretly hates me. I'm
	just paranoid I guess. I mean, you
	like me don't you? We're good
	friends, right?

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, sure. Of course.

		ENID
		(contemplative pause)
	... Maybe I should just move in
	here with you... I could do all the
	cooking and dust your record
	collection and stuff until I get a
	job.

		SEYMOUR
	What about Joe?

		ENID
	Oh yeah... and Dana...
		(says her name with whiny,
		 disdainful voice)
	You were a lot more fun before you
	met Dana. You've been acting way
	too normal lately... you're a
	bitter, twisted, fucked-up guy,
	Seymour, that's why I like you.

		SEYMOUR
		(more drunk than before)
	Yeah, well I like you too...

TEN MINUTES LATER

The bottle is empty.

		ENID
	You know what my number one fantasy
	used to be?

		SEYMOUR
		(pause)
	What?

		ENID
	I used to think about one day not
	telling anybody and just taking off
	and going to some random place...
	Do you ever think about stuff like
	that?

		SEYMOUR
	I guess I probably used to when I
	was your age.

		ENID
	It would have to be some totally
	average day when nobody was
	expecting it, and I'd just
	disappear and they'd never see me
	again.

		SEYMOUR
	Sounds like a healthy way to deal
	with your problems.

		ENID
	You know what we should do? Let's
	go get in your car right now and
	just take off! We could just drive
	away and find some new place and
	start a whole new life... fuck
	everybody!

		SEYMOUR
	I don't think I'm in any condition
	to drive.

		ENID
	I'll drive, then -- we'll go out in
	a blaze of glory!

		SEYMOUR
	So where would we go?

		ENID
	Who cares? Let's just go... what's
	stopping us?

		SEYMOUR
	I dunno, I...

		ENID
	I'm serious! I'm just so sick of
	everybody! Why can't I just do
	whatever I want?

		SEYMOUR
	What do you want?

		ENID
	What do you want?

		SEYMOUR
	I-I-I...

		ENID
	What's the matter with you,
	Seymour? Don't you like me? Be a
	man for once in your life!

She kisses him passionately. He's shocked but kisses back.
This escalates, leading to the sex act, shown with merciful
brevity.

WE SEE Enid & Seymour, post-coital.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	God, Dana's going to kill you!

		SEYMOUR
	... Do you really want us to drive
	away somewhere?

		ENID
	What?... Maybe... no... I dunno...

		SEYMOUR
	I will if you want to.

		ENID
	No... forget it...

		SEYMOUR
		(embarrassingly sappy)
	I-I never expected anything like
	this to happen...

		ENID
	Yeah, well... me neither...

		SEYMOUR
	You must know I always... did you
	really mean all that about moving
	in with me?

		ENID
	I was just thinking out loud...
		(doesn't want to hurt his
		 feelings)
	I mean, you've got this whole thing
	with Dana -- I'm not going to let
	you fuck that up...

		SEYMOUR
	But, I...

		ENID
	Shhh... I really need to get some
	sleep.

Enid turns her back to him. We see from REVERSE ANGLE that
she's only pretending to be asleep. She looks troubled, as
though she's just made a big mistake. Seymour puts his arm
around her. It's the only time we've seen him look relaxed
and happy.

		SEYMOUR
	Good night...

He kisses her arm and goes to sleep.

INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

Seymour wakes up. Enid is gone.

INT. DANA'S OFFICE - EXPANSION REALTY - DAY

Dana is on the phone. A lantern-jawed male COLLEAGUE listens
in, his head pressed up against hers.

		DANA
		(into phone)
	It's a thirty-year fixed at five
	and-a-half...

Seymour nervously enters her "workspace". Dana is pleasantly
surprised - she stops her conversation.

		DANA (CONT'D)
		(covering receiver)
	Seymour! Hello! What are you doing
	here?

		SEYMOUR
	Oh -- please - don't let me
	interrupt finish your phone call.

		DANA
	We're almost done.
		(she continues into phone)
	Hi. Yeah... no, it's excluded.
	They've already paid the earnest
	money... well, let them bring it up
	if they notice it at the final walk
	through. Right, great, sounds good!

She hangs up and high-fives her colleague. They bear-hug.

		COLLEAGUE
	Great job! I'm proud of ya! Well,
	I'll check you guys later. I'm
	gonna go start the paperwork.

Colleague leaves; Dana turns to Seymour.

		DANA
	Hey... so, what brings you down
	here?

		SEYMOUR
	I uh... I feel that I need to uh --
	there's something I feel I have to
	say... I uh, I've never said this
	to anyone before -- believe me,
	I've stayed in horrible
	relationships for years just so I
	wouldn't have to do this, but I
	uh...

		DANA
	What are you trying to say?

		SEYMOUR
	It's just that I feel like it's
	maybe not a good idea for us to
	keep going out.

Dana sits down, staring ahead, stunned for a moment. Suddenly
she breaks down sobbing.

		SEYMOUR (CONT'D)
	I-I honestly never intended for
	this to happen...

		DANA
	Please tell me it isn't that
	teenager!

		SEYMOUR
	Enid and I were just friends. You
	know... we feel comfortable around
	each other... she really likes my
	old records and...

		DANA
	I can't believe this! I thought at
	the very least a guy like you would
	never pull this kind of shit on me!

She starts crying again. Seymour awkwardly tries to comfort
her.

		SEYMOUR
	Dana, I... um...

Dana pushes him away violently.

		DANA
	You disgusting pig! You're just an
	overgrown baby who can't deal with
	a woman your own age. You pathetic
	weakling! You make me sick!

INT. ENID'S ROOM - THE SAME DAY

Enid is now utterly defeated. The phone rings. She lets the
machine pick it up. Maxine enters.

		MAXINE
	May I ask what you're doing?

		ENID
	Shhh!

		MAXINE
	I want to know what you think
	you're doing, staying out all night
	and worrying your father to death!

		ENID
	Oh yeah, like he even noticed.

		MAXINE
	Listen, young lady... I know you
	don't like me -- I don't really
	care whether you do or not -- but I
	will not allow you to treat your
	father the way you do.

We hear Seymour on the machine in the background...

		SEYMOUR (V.O.)
	I really want to talk to you. I've
	been thinking about what you said
	about moving in here...

		ENID
	I can treat him any way I want to -
	I'm an adult! Leave me alone!

Maxine leaves. Seymour finishes his message. Enid picks up
the phone and dials.

		REBECCA (V.O.)
	Hello?

		ENID
	I need to talk to you.

INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY

Enid & Rebecca sit at a table. Rebecca is wearing her
uniform.

		ENID
	I'm sorry about the other day. I
	don't know what's wrong with me...
	I really do want to move in with
	you.

		REBECCA
	I don't know... I was thinking
	maybe I should live alone. I
	decided to rent that place we
	looked at. I'm moving in next week.

		ENID
	Please let me come with you. Please
	please please...

		REBECCA
	I don't know - I'm not sure it's a
	good idea.

		ENID
	Of course it's a good idea... it's
	our plan.

		REBECCA
	But how are you gonna pay rent and
	everything? You don't even have a
	job.

		ENID
	I'll get a job tomorrow, I promise.
	If I don't, you can totally tell me
	to fuck off.

INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE MORNING

Enid is putting on her shoes. Her Dad opens the door slightly
and sticks his head in.

		DAD
	Pumpkin, are you in there?

		ENID
	Are you going to yell at me?

		DAD
	About what?

		DAD (CONT'D)
	Yeah, I heard about that.

		ENID
	I was in a horrible mood - tell her
	not to worry, I'll be completely
	out of her life in a few days.

		DAD
	She understands what you're going
	through and she really wants to
	help you. She says that job at
	Computer Station is still available
	if you want it.

		ENID
	I-I'm not sure... yeah, maybe.

		DAD
	Actually, I was just checking to
	see if you were here - your friend
	Seymour is on his way up.

		ENID
	What do you mean "on his way up"!?

		DAD
	I just buzzed him in.

Just then, three sharp KNOCKS on the front door.

		ENID
	What's wrong with you?! Tell him
	I'm not here!

		DAD
	But I can't --

		ENID
	JUST DO IT!

Dad goes to answer the door. Enid hides in her room.

		DAD (V.O.)
	I'm not sure when she'll be back...

Enid looks out the window and sees Seymour walking away. She
has a terribly sad look on her face.

INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING

Seymour sits in dim light, dialing an antique "candlestick"
telephone. In the background, a Peter, Paul and Mary concert
plays on the TV. We hear three rings followed by Enid's
answering machine message. He hangs up before it finishes.
Joe walks by the doorway.

		JOE
	Well, here's where the fun never
	stops!

		SEYMOUR
	Yeah, I'm really, really happy.
	Really having a good time.

		JOE
	Still torturing yourself over that
	Enid, huh?

Seymour doesn't answer. He looks away.

		SEYMOUR
	Where else am I ever going to find
	another girl who likes Geeshie
	Wiley records?
		(pause)
	She could at least have the decency
	to call me back.

		JOE
	Maybe she was just using you to try
	and get back at some guy. Who
	knows? It could be a million
	things. It's wasted time trying to
	logically figure out the female
	brain, that's for sure.

Again no answer from Seymour, he stares off into space.

		JOE (CONT'D)
	Maybe she's got another boyfriend.

		SEYMOUR
		(bummed out, wants Joe to
		 stop)
	Yeah, well... thanks for cheering
	me up.

		JOE
		(deadpan)
	No problem.

Seymour looks so miserable that even Joe has some compassion
for him.

		JOE (CONT'D)
	Look at it this way - at least
	things can't get any worse.

Joe leaves. Seymour is left listening to the record.

INT. COOK'S CHICKEN HEADQUARTERS - DAY.

Seymour is at work, walking down a carpeted hallway with many
doors on both sides. A door opens and a Tony Robbins-ish, 35
year-old MANAGEMENT EXECUTIVE sticks his head out.

		EXECUTIVE
	Seymour! Just the man I want to
	see. Step in here for a minute.

Seymour enters.

		EXECUTIVE (CONT'D)
	Have a seat.

He plunks down the current issue of THE FREE WEEKLY - it's
open to a 1/2 page article on page 8 with the headline "Oh
Brother!" and a photo of THE PAINTING being removed.

		EXECUTIVE (CONT'D)
	What can you tell me about this,
	Seymour?

INT. ENID & REBECCA'S NEW APT.

Enid is wearing a bright orange "Computer Station" T-shirt
and a yellow vest with a "trainee" tag. She's looking around
at her new home: a hopelessly drab, characterless apartment.

		REBECCA
	So, whaddya think?

		ENID
	It's fine.

		REBECCA
	So where's all your stuff?

Enid points to a small box with sketchbook, etc.

		ENID
	There.

		REBECCA
	That's all you're bringing?

		ENID
	I'm gonna finish packing tonight...
	I'll bring it over tomorrow
	sometime.

		REBECCA
	What time?

		ENID
	I dunno...

		REBECCA
	Make sure you're here by noon - we
	have tons of stuff to do... Oh
	yeah! I have to show you something
	else!

She drags Enid into the kitchen and opens a BUILT-IN IRONING
BOARD as though it's the most amazing thing she's ever-seen.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	Isn't this the greatest?

INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE EVENING

Enid is sorting her stuff into boxes. Digging through her
closet, she finds a box that she doesn't recognize. Inside
are her old children's records (45's). She excitedly takes
one out and plays it. She folds her clothes while listening
to this song, which clearly is getting to her. She grabs
mechanically for the next thing hanging in her closet. It's
the uniform from her job at "Computer Station." She folds it,
puts it in the box, then stops, staring at the orange fabric.

INT. ENID AND REBECCA'S APT. - THE NEXT DAY

Rebecca is nervously arranging and re-arranging her stuff.

She puts up her gigantic new kitchen wall clock and sets the
time to 12:45. She goes to the phone and calls Enid. The
machine picks up and Rebecca hangs up. She does another
tedious, pointless task. IT'S NOW 3:30. She's pissed off and
goes to the phone to call again. As it rings there's a knock
on the door. Relieved, she hangs up and goes to answer.

		REBECCA
		(as she opens the door)
	What's wrong with you, retard -
	it's three-thirty!

It's Seymour standing there, not Enid.

		SEYMOUR
	Uh... hi. Uh... Enid's stepmother
	told me I'd find her here?

		REBECCA
	She's not at home?

		SEYMOUR
	No... they said she was here...

		REBECCA
	What the fuck is she doing?! She
	was supposed to be here three hours
	ago!

		SEYMOUR
	Uh, do you mind if I wait? I really
	need to talk to her.

		REBECCA
		(allows him to step inside
		 but leaves the door open)
	Are you sure she wasn't there?
	Maybe she was just hiding from you.

		SEYMOUR
	Why would she be hiding from me?

		REBECCA
	I don't know... where is she, then?

		SEYMOUR
	Maybe she's with Josh?

		REBECCA
	Josh!? Why would she be with Josh?

		SEYMOUR
	I don't know.

		REBECCA
	Why? What did she tell you?

		SEYMOUR
	She just mentioned him a few times
	and said that they had been dating -
	I thought maybe she was...

		REBECCA
	What? Is she having some secret
	affair with Josh?

		SEYMOUR
	I have no idea - I just want to...

		REBECCA
	Why wouldn't she tell me? There's
	no way! She could never keep that
	to herself... you're crazy.

		SEYMOUR
	Really, I don't know enough about
	it to...

		REBECCA
	That slut!

		SEYMOUR
		(changing subject back to
		 me)
	Why did you say she might be hiding
	from me? Did she say anything to
	you about me?

		REBECCA
		(getting revenge on
		 Seymour)
	Yeah, she thinks you're a dork.

		SEYMOUR
	Did she say that?

		REBECCA
	Look, what do you expect?
	Considering how we met you.

		SEYMOUR
	What do you mean?

		REBECCA
	On that pathetic fake blind date.

		SEYMOUR
	What are you talking about?

		REBECCA
	Didn't she ever tell you about
	that? God, she really is
	pathological...

		SEYMOUR
	What fake blind date? What are you
	talking about?

Rebecca goes over and gets Enid's sketchbook out of the box
and flips through it. When she gets to the right page she
hands it to Seymour.

		REBECCA
	Here. Read it and weep.

We see a pasted-up PERSONAL AD beside a DRAWING OF SEYMOUR in
wowsville. On the facing page we see a drawing of JOSH with
his name surrounded by RED HEARTS.

EXT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON

Seymour's car screeches into the parking lot. He bursts into
the store, ready f or once in his life to make a scene.

INT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON

Josh is behind the counter cleaning the Slurpee machine, with
his back to the entrance, as Seymour storms in. Doug is over
by the magazine rack reading a dirt bike magazine.

		SEYMOUR
	I hope you had a good laugh at my
	expense.

Josh turns around - what's going on? He recognizes Seymour.

		JOSH
	Huh... oh... hi... uh...

		SEYMOUR
	You want to see something funny?
	I'll show you something funny!

As he says this he flips over a SMALL DISPLAY RACK of potato
chips. Then he tries to flip over a BIG DISPLAY CASE in front
of the counter but is unable to budge it - he keeps trying
and gets more and more frustrated.

		JOSH
	HEY!

Josh runs from behind the counter to stop him before he
creates a huge mess. He tries to grab Seymour and they get
into a ridiculous frantic scuffle. Seymour starts yelling.
Suddenly Doug appears and gets Seymour in a choke hold with
his nunchucks. Doug ad-libs cop-style jargon. Josh is freaked
out. Seymour realizes what a fool he is and starts to cry.
The Boss comes out of the back room...

		BOSS
	Josh! What going on here?!

INT. ENID & REBECCA'S APARTMENT - AROUND MIDNIGHT

The apartment is dark - lit only by a harsh, annoying
streetlight. Rebecca sits on the couch in sweat clothes,
exasperated. She goes to look out the window. Cars with loud
radios can be heard driving by. She goes to the phone - she
checks it and hangs up. Pause. She picks it up again - one
last try. She dials the number and waits. We hear the BEEP of
the answering machine. Rebecca hangs up.

She gets into a sleeping bag (spread out in the center of a
cold linoleum floor). She zips the zipper all the way over
her head and curls up into a whimpering ball.

				FADE TO BLACK.

TITLE CARD: "SEVERAL MONTHS LATER"

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY

The dialogue begins in voice-over as the title card fades. We
slowly fade in to see Seymour, lying on a pink pastel
psychiatrist's couch, as he speaks to his THERAPIST, a
handsome, well-coiffed woman in her late 40s.

		SEYMOUR
	I have to admit, things have really
	started looking up for me since my
	life turned to shit.

		THERAPIST
	So tell me more about this job.
	What exactly will you be doing?

		SEYMOUR
	Well, mostly archival research,
	cataloguing old records and writing
	liner notes for their CD reissues.
	It's really... I can't believe it.

		THERAPIST
	Remember what I said when we first
	started -- this little breakdown
	might turn out to be the best thing
	that ever happened to you!

		SEYMOUR
	It doesn't pay very much, but I
	should be able to afford my own
	place in a few months... Do you
	think that's too soon? I'm really
	anxious to get my record collection
	out of storage...

		THERAPIST
	Why don't we start with that next
	week?

Seymour looks up. She nods toward the large wall clock behind
her: thirty seconds after five. Re gets up and she walks him
slowly toward the door.

		SEYMOUR
	Thank you, doctor.

		THERAPIST
		(as she opens the door)
	Don't thank me. You're doing all
	the work.

A pause. They stand facing each other.

		THERAPIST (CONT'D)
	Seymour?

		SEYMOUR
	Yes?

		THERAPIST
	Do you have a check for me?

Seymour takes a filled-out check from his shirt pocket. In
the waiting room, we see SEYMOUR'S MOTHER.

		MOTHER
	Seymour? Are you done? Did you have
	a chance to think about what you
	might want for dinner while you
	were in there?

		SEYMOUR
	We can talk about it in the car,
	Ma...

As they leave Seymour looks back and smiles weakly at the
doctor.

INT. QUALITY CAFE - LATE AFTERNOON

The Cafe has been FULLY REMODELED and now resembles Wowsville
more than the old Quality Cafe. There are no neighborhood
"characters" anymore, only well-heeled twenty-somethings. We
see that Rebecca is now a waitress here. She tears off a
check and places it in front of a super-muscular, polo
shirted EUROPEAN HIPSTER, who is too busy tapping away at his
POWERBOOK to notice.
She walks toward the end of the counter to total up her
receipts. She looks up and sees Enid, wearing tasteful 1930's
style clothes, sitting across from her.

		ENID
	Hi.

		REBECCA
	Oh, hi... I almost didn't recognize
	you -- I think I need to get
	glasses; you're all blurry!

		ENID
		(nodding toward muscular
		 HIPSTER)
	You're lucky then, you can't see
	the veins on that guy's biceps.

		REBECCA
	Actually, he's a really nice guy.

We see at this point that Rebecca & Enid are no longer
friends, but there are also no hard feelings evident.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
	Do you want anything?

		ENID
	Maybe an orange juice.

Rebecca goes to get it. Enid looks around, bemused and
saddened by what The Quality Cafe has become.

		ENID (CONT'D)
	Hey, look what I got...

She takes a crumpled envelope from her pocket and pulls out
her DIPLOMA.

		REBECCA
	Wow... finally.

		ENID
	It just came yesterday...

Pause. Josh enters. Enid turns around.

		JOSH
	Hi Enid.

		ENID
	Hey Josh.

		JOSH
	Are you ready to go?

For a moment it's not clear who he's talking to, and then:

		REBECCA
		(still counting receipts)
	Yeah, just one second...

She finishes, takes off her apron and emerges from behind the
counter. She kisses Josh perfunctorily.

		REBECCA (CONT'D)
		(to Josh)
	Did you remember to pay the phone
	bill?

		JOSH
	Yeah.

		REBECCA
		(to Enid)
	Call me sometime.

		ENID
	Definitely. We still have to go to
	that shoe store sometime.

Rebecca & Josh leave. Enid is totally alone in the now-alien
world of the Quality Cafe. A momentary pause as she calmly
stares into her orange juice. We see a small, round TRAVEL
BAG at her feet.

EXT. CITY STREETS/ACME SHOES - EVENING

We see Enid walking down the familiar streets of her world.
It's early evening, quiet except for distant street noises.
She walks toward the old ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE. It
looks the same, miraculously preserved, until she stands
right in front of it. She looks through the partially papered
over window and sees WORKMEN inside installing new fixtures:
a modern counter and several small tables, all made from a
FAMILIAR GREEN PLASTIC. A sign in the window reads: "Coming
Soon: Another COFFEE EXPERIENCE.

EXT. CITY STREET - EVENING

She continues walking as the sun has set and there is a calm
stillness to the city. She turns a corner and is startled by
her reflection in a large window made of one-way glass. She
stops and looks at herself. Everything about her looks
perfect for once; no need to change a thing. She moves closer
to the glass and, shading her eyes, tries to look inside.
She continues walking. Darkness is just setting in and she
has the street all to herself.

EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - NIGHT

We see Enid at NORMAN'S BUS STOP, sitting on the bench. She
looks at the apartment building across the street. A woman
who has just arrived home from work turns on the TV, bathing
her living room with that EERIE BLUE LIGHT. The same thing
happens in another window down the street... then another...
Enid looks down the street. In the distance A BUS rounds the
corner and heads toward her.

From a third-story window across the street, we see the bus
as it arrives and stops, blocking Enid from view. A moment
later it pulls away, leaving an empty bench. The CAMERA moves
upward, farther and farther away as the music swells and the
credits roll.

EXT. BRIDGE - EVENING

The bus disappears over the crest of the bridge.

		      THE END